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Categories
- "If your tears had a voice, what would they be saying?" Irvin Yalom MD
- "Busyness and exhauston can sabatoge healing." Jerry Sittser, A Grief Disquised.
- "Grief is thousands of feelings: horror, disbelief, overwhelming sadness, white hot rage, missing who you lost...and that's only the first few minutes each day." Melody Beattie
- "Grief is not logical". Susan L. Fuller http://www.surviveyourgrief.com
- "Words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' crazy." Kelly Schleyer Powers
- "You do not work through bereavement. It works through you." Virginia Ironside, 'You'll Get Over It'-The Rage of Bereavement
- "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." Washington Irving
- "I wish you would've told me," she said, "that losing you would be like losing my life." ...taken from author, Mary De Muth's novel, The Muir House.
- "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
- "In a world rocky with human failure, there is a land lush with divine mercy. Your Shepherd invites you there. He wants you to lie down. Nestle deeply until you are hidden, buried, in the tall shoots of his love, and there you will find rest." ...Max Lucado,Traveling Light
I love your blog, you should add instructions for the RSS feed feature so I can get automatic notifications of new blogs. If you can help me set it up please email me! Ii will bookmark you for now. Again Excellent Blog!
Excellent Blog !!!!
Thank you so much! 🙂
Thanks for some great information reagrding this
I appreciate your comment. Thank you.
Hey guys,
I sent this to Mona’s phone when she was here…
Can’t tell if she’ll listen to it, but im sure when she grows up she’ll appreciate it!
This is dedicated to both of you!! BEAUTIFUL song!
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
…’Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothin’ you confess, could make me love you less
I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
So, if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrong
I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pretenders-lyrics/i_ll-stand-by-you-lyrics.html ]
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You’re feelin’ all alone
You won’t be on your own
I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Yeah
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
No, no, no, no, no
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by youSee More
Tuesday at 1:06pm · LikeUnlike
Zeina,
Thank you for the beautiful song. I am familiar with this song, but I have not heard it in a long time. What perfect timing! I woke up anxious about my trip and when I listened to the song, it reminded me that I am never alone.
It is wonderful what you share with Mona Jr. You may not think she “hears” you, but she does. I know with my boys that sometimes I feel all my words as a mom fall on deaf ears, but then something they say or do gives me a sign they are truly listening. Keep it up and some day Mona Jr. will look back on all the love you have given her and be forever grateful for her Zeina.
I hope I will have access to a computer on my trip, because I will miss you guys! Enjoy your weekend and keep writing!
Hope ull have a gr8 trip!! Keep n touch when u can!!
Thanks for the advice!!
Zeina,
Never had anything dedicated to me before. Thank you!
Beautiful. I love the words.
Zeina,
Very accurate quote…
What a nice quote
“”Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” “
Zeina and Sandi,
That is a great one. Someone told me that I was treading water after Sam passed away. Then they said, you must be really strong to keep your head above water. I found that encouraging as well. Thank you both for your support and encouraging words for this weekend. I am grateful for my fellow swimmers!!
yep
Hey Jenny,
How was the dinner with Sam’s family?
Hope it turned out ok! Looking forward to know about the marathon too!
The insecurities & fears I guess stay along, especially when there’s a memory or an anniversary they flow to the surface. I remember having them recently & Sandi telling me it’s from the anniversary of my aunt’s death being near ..That was enough to comfort me…
Something happened today that got me stumped, I was helping Mona with her english & I saw that piece of writing she did it was titled “My Mom’s death”, she talked in details about her mother death and how it made her feel then & now.. I just can’t describe what came over that minute I was reading…
But it made me realize that i should involve her gradually to read what I write…To share with her a little percentage of what I share wth u guys!
I’m going to start writing stories for her according to her age about how much her mother’s/another relative’s death affected me…& will see how that goes!!
Zeina,
The dinner went really well. It was so comforting for all of us, especially Sam’s mom. We laughed and shared a few tears. I appreciate you asking about my dinner. I will also check back in with you guys when I return from my trip for the half marathon.
It is wonderful that Mona is writing about her mom and her feelings about her mom’s death. You must have experienced so many different feelings when you read her story. Sharing your stories is a wonderful idea. The bond that you share is so incredible and what a blessing for you both. Keep me posted on how Mona does with her writing…that is wonderful!!
Jenny,
I’m glad you were able to be with Sam’s family on his birthday.
Will be rooting for you doing the 1/2 marathon on Saturday.
“Way to go, Jenny, you can do this!!”
Zeina,
What a priceless treasure for you have Mona Jr’s story of her mom’s death ad how she felt and feels…
Great insight into her!
And I love your idea about sharing your written stories with her. Writing is such a lasting legacy.
She doesn’t see it now how precious it was for her to let me read it,(I made a copy) even though she changed her mind after few minutes!! & she always turns away when I mention her mother.
I’m going to write a story for her , but I have no idea whether to make it a story about her mother’s death or another relative & then turn it up a level later on…?
Also I’m thinking to write on it “TOP secret” this way she’ll b more excited to read.
on both ways I’ll post here b4 I give it to her!!
Zeina,
I appreciate your comments. Most of all believing I am brave by sharing my last moments with Sam. It is so encouraging to have others see me as brave when I see myself as someone struggling to face grief each day. I love your idea to write and post here when I am sleepless. Many times I have questions or thoughts come to mind that I am not comfortable asking others. I will just start posting. This grief site has become a lifesaver for me. I read daily and find so much comfort in the friendships I have developed here. Sandi used a good word in her response to your post on insomnia, reconcile. I still have many things to reconcile in my mind and heart. I sometimes go thru this stage of insecurity and fear. I do not feel Sam’s presence or love like I used to and I am afraid he is gone. I feel like I have lost him again. I can’t explain why this happens, but sometimes I have bad dreams and can’t reach him by phone or he is mad at me. From all I have read on grief, I would guess it is my dealing with abandonment. These times seem to follow a pattern of when I am worried or stressing over an event. For instance tomorrow is Sam’s birthday and this weekend the half marathon. Sam’s family and I are meeting at a half way point between our cities tomorrow night for dinner…which I am so grateful!! Do you ever feel the insecurities or fears? Grief is certainly thousands of feelings and many do not make sense and so many times I feel like I am crazy! Comforting to be able to share. Thank you!!
Jenny,
The nights can seem terribly dark, can’t they? My son used to say to me,
“Mom, it’s only dark outside.”
I love your solutions for your dark nights. Even the sobbing can bring relief.
Sandi,,
So much truth and wisdom in what your son said. I have never thought of it that way. My boys used to be afraid of the dark and wanted to leave lights on at night. Sam told me to tell them that it is safest in the dark in your own home, only you know how to get around in the dark. I had not thought of what Sam said until I read your comment. Both are good ways to look at the dark and see a ray of light.
Thank you for your comments on my run as well. You are right, it is to honor Sam, so not my pace. This run is to honor Sam. I appreciate the reminder!!
Hey ,
Approximetely each year the friday before easter has been an occasion for us to visit my aunt’s grave, around 6 in the morning…
This year things were a bit different!
Thursday evening I couldn’t sleep till Friday 5 in the morning, thinking whether I should visit my aunt’s grave or not!!
I decided not to…But by the end I said a little prayer for her & went to bed!!
This event brought back memories about many other sleepless nights b4 my aunt died(b/c we werent talking) & after ….
Any1 else had problems with insomnia through grief?
Zeina,
I have experienced many nights of insomnia. Most nights I fall asleep crying and wake up at 2 or 3am…then I toss and turn. In the beginning, I would relive the events leading up to Sam’s passing away. On Wednesday morning, Sam and I talked on the phone for a long time about how bad he felt, he called at lunch time on his way to the doctor and he was laughing and joking. When I didn’t hear from him that evening, I called and he was in so much pain he didn’t want to talk and after I tried to encourage him, he hung up the phone. That was my last conversation with Sam. None of us knew what Sam was going through and when his mom sat in the ER with him that night, she didn’t call anyone. She expected him to bounce back as he had many times before. I got my call that Sam was out of surgery and not expected to make it on Thursday morning before 6am. I go over and over in my mind the Wednesday and Thursday morning…at first I was so angry I didn’t drive to Charlotte, but I had no idea he was in the hospital. I have found that praying for peace before I lay my head on my pillow is so helpful. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I pray or read my Bible or devotion book. Some nights, the pain is so unbearable all I can do it sob and pray for God to hold me tight. I know the sun will come up the next day, but nights are the darkest times…not to mention there is no one to call at 2 or 3 am!! God knows this pain and he knows we are at his mercy and he is waiting for us to surrender to him. It is difficult isn’t it? You are in my prayers.
Jenny,
I’m so happy ur brave enough to share the last moments with Sam with us! It’s a story I’ll never forget…I wasn’t brave enough to share my grief in the first few months/years…
Till now I still hesitate b4 opening the subject with anyone, but being around you & Sandi has made me accept that side of me & embrace it more!!
I sometimes still cry to sleep on anniversaries or certain memory triggers, but there’s always something that happens afterwards that makes me laugh instantly that’s how I know Mona is watching over me wanting to remember her with a smile even through a broken heart!
Sam& Bill are out there sending you signs that they’re with Jesus…& to find a reason for laughter u guys make sure to embrace it!!
Jenny 4got to mention!
When u wake up@ 2 or3 am & find no1 to talk to!
Log in here & leave us a message!! Even if we may not reply instantly, but ull feel alot better to let things off ur chest!
Zeina,
I had many nights of insomnia in grief. I remember reading or watching TV until my eyes blurred. Then the replay would start. I would turn out the light and re-live the moment Bill died…over and over…trying make the ending come out differently and I would have been there at his side. Or try to figure out if he would even have known I had stepped out of the room. I finally reconciled it all, but it took awhile.
Sleepless nights has got to be one of the inevitable side-effects of grief.
Sandi,
I’m sorry you weren’t there with Bill when he died, if it draws any comfort, my insomnia began the minute I stopped talking to my aunt for 6 months prior to her death & it was all so unexpected that it gave me nights of nightmares!!
I feel better knowing other people thought about such things…
Like you I have replayed the moments after my aunt’s death…for some reason this year more than ever! But it doesn’t cause me insomnia very often like before, maybe because I began to accept them they have come back!!
Right now it’s just a replay of certain events that happened after my aunt died that hurt me & I never got the chance to think of then! I think i’ll write them out!!
Jenny,
I’m so grateful you feel safe and at home on GriefWalk.
How is your 1/2 marathon training coming along?
Sandi,
My training is coming along pretty well. I had a flare up of an old injury, so I have been cautiously training since. I told Quinn (my 17 year old) today that I was really nervous. He just smiled and said, “mom, you have been running and you will do fine. Stop worrying!” Just what I needed to hear. I think of what you said Bill always said when he ran with injuries…it will either get better, worse or stay the same…true words of a runner. Thank you for asking.
GriefWalk is my home away from home. I re-read and check post daily. Like the comfort of an old friend, safe and warm.
So happy that ur training is going smooth!!
Take good care of urself my friend!!
Looking forward to read more about ur race!
Jenny,
Your son is right…you WILL do fine. And you’re running to honor Sam, right? So however fast or slow you go, you’re still honoring him by the running.
Sandi & Jenny….
Can’t remember if I had posted this before…
If i have then It will be a good reminder that you’re never alone !
Jenny, hope it will make ur first easter a bit more bearable!
Standing Strong
Life can knock us over at times, just when we begin to pick up the pieces we realize how few people have remained near us. Life is full of losses; we decide when we should simply crash over them or just move beyond them. Both are important because a person couldn’t possibly start one without finishing with the other.
Its losses like death of a loved one that I find most misunderstood. People surrounding you expect you to be “OK” within a minimum time frame just so they won’t have to go through a touchy situation with you, or probably feel bad to watch you cry. They urge you to be strong, to let go or say the silliest cliché I’ve ever heard “Leave time to heal everything”.
On the other hand you’re sitting aside watching life pass you by, remembering every memory, every touch, each smile, every decision you made with that person, you’re reviewing every conversation probably looking at every picture and wondering what the deceased was thinking when it was taken. That’s when you wonder if you’ll ever know such happiness, and if anyone would ever understand you as the loved one did. You now understand what most people take half a lifetime to achieve…how much a gap one person could leave, and how lonely that gap could make you feel.
Sometimes in the middle of your loneliness and that un-bearable silence, someone comes along, almost out of nowhere, to break the silence and guide you through it. A thread of light comes through no matter how tiny it may seem you instinctively follow through, and they become from the closest people who challenge you to give your best.
One day surely after the series of hating life, and some of the things you once cherished and being angry at the pain this event had caused you. You simply accept it! You wake up appreciating life a little more, looking to the past just to see the beautiful things our loved ones had left to hang on for the future. It will feel like the first dawn in centuries, appreciating the seasons as they may come.
Now you’ll know that whatever loss would stand in your way, that you have to be patient with yourself, you’ve been through that road before, so it couldn’t possibly be worse. You become strong on your own terms not because people had told you to stay strong!
Zeina,
Absolutely wonderful and describes feelings and emotions that only someone that has traveled the journey of grief would understand. I felt as if I was reading my thoughts! The number of people that I can talk with about Sam and my grief has been reduced because they do not want to see me sad. I can see the look in their eyes, “oh, here she goes again!”. Yes, I stare at the pictures of Sam and remember details of that day or memories flood my mind of the past. Often I ask myself if I will ever feel that joy again, but then as you said….something will bring a smile to my face and warmth in my heart. I am finding joy in the simple things of life…watching birds, planting flowers, and enjoying nature. When I come to this site, I feel at home because I know I am safe and with friends that understand grief. I miss Sam as I know he knew me best. With each encouraging word I read here from you and Sandi, I feel myself healing and getting stronger. I know this journey is lifelong, but the hurt and pain will lessen. Most importantly as you said, be patient with myself and allow God to take me through grief. Thank you for your post and all the wisdom you have shared. In the past two days, you have been a ray of sunshine for me!! Thank you!!
thankyou so much for these words..The pain is still fresh…I dont want to end up a bitter widow..I am right now & have turned my back on my faith,,We were very active in our church..He was a decon & sunday school teacher..Everything has changed…Now these people we loved so I want nothing to do with..I think i’m going crazy…when I have to go in public if I see someone I know I hide..I know my husband wants me t go on..I cant,,,I think I’m losing my mind,,,..thankyou all for letting me vent…Your words do give nme hope,,,
Susie,
I understand your feelings. I used to wonder if I was going crazy also. I felt very alone, not understanding that my feelings were normal after a loss. My emotions were all over the place…
Is church a reminder for you that he is no longer there? It would be for me. I moved right after my husband died, so I didn’t have the option, but I think it would have been hard for me to go back there.
I can assure you, though it doesn’t seem like it now, it will get better!! Meanwhile, we are all here for you.
Sandi
Zeina,
Words of wisdom and encouragement. Thank you!
I suggest taking everything in as it is, however it comes…
You’re not letting go of your loved ones, you’re just keeping them with you in a different way…
Their bodies have been long gone now, but their souls are with Jesus…& the memories you have of them will always live on in your hearts!!
After acceptance you’ll be able to let go of hurt, pain…& etc. But “Letting go” doesn’t mean forgetting our loved ones!
Forget, the term ” Letting go of our loved ones” I heard it so much & it blocked my grief for so long , so I deleted it from my vocabulary…
& Jenny if you’re not ready to let go yet! It’s not a bad thing, you’ve been hurt…& going through alot of pain…ur adjusting to a new life! A NEW YOU!!
Just take it all in as it is & things will be better!!
For NOW!!
Hope u guys can find it in your hearts to erase that word from your vocab. for good!! Because it blocks some emotions & grief that u really need to go through to get to the other side!!
Once everything is ready ull see how you will let go naturally, not because u were forced to !!
Jenny,
I’m not sure how much wisdom I have here, since I have trouble with this myself. But I don’t think it means letting go of Sam. He will always be in your heart and what you were together will always be true.
As far as letting go of anything, you do that when you’re ready. But is grief a matter of “letting go”, or is it a matter of “adjusting” to our loss?
Anyone else have any insights on letting go?
Sandi,
Thank you…just those words were sufficient for me. I so sad when I read “letting go” because I am not ready yet to let go of anything. I still hang on to grief because it is a reminder of my loss and the love I have for Sam. My mom has always said, you will learn to live with your loss and for me that is more comforting. As always, thank you for being here!!
Sandi,
I read so much about letting go. I could use some help in that area. What do we let go of? The pain, sorrow, and hurt? I seem to get upset whenever I read those words, because to me it means letting go of Sam and I can’t do that. I have thought of this so much lately and could use some of your wisdom.
Don’t over think it…you do let go eventually of the pain sorrow & hurt…BUT It’s never about letting go,there’s a biiger pictures it’s about adjusting to a new life…
U can’t let go of anything untill u have adjusted & then acceptance comes!
If u can’t do that now because it’s still early, take ur time Jenny!!
One step at a time!!
Again Zeina, you have put things in perspective….I am not ready and one step at a time. For this Easter, I am truly grateful to have found you and Sandi to walk with me on this journey of grief…however long it takes. God Bless you!
Hey guys
Finally Mona’s birthday video uploaded!!
I had to lower the quality but it’s still clear!!
Zeina,
The video is wonderful. Mona Jr. is blessed to have you in her life and the smile on her face shows the love and joy she feels for you. Mona lives in your heart and she is smiling on you for being such a blessing to her children. You are a beautiful woman and thank you for sharing a part of your life with me.
Jenny,
When the loss first happened I was really angry at the thought of the kids being left behind….
My anger was so intense that I wished she never had kids, but the way they saw things in their innocence and imagination changed my life forever…
So I strived to be with them, & they strive to show me every day how beautiful this life could be…
So they are a blessing to me! I could never forget that!!
Zeina,
Such a touching video…
What Mona did for you while you were growing up, I see you doing for Mona Jr. 🙂
Thank u Sandi! She repeated the video 5 times when I was there, she adores those songs!!
Their mother wasn’t photographed much as a child, so she always made sure she had a camera close by so they would have enough pictures…
Right now..I can’t get enough of them I have over million pictures of them…
Jenny,
I agree, grief is like a rollercoaster. And thank God, He does send comfort through special people, hand-picked by Him for our individual needs.
Isn’t it wonderful to be in the hands of God who cares for you personally?
Sandi,
Yes, it is wonderful to be in the hands of God. When this journey gets too tough, I remind myself that God will be there to catch me and he will never leave my side. This morning I read a devotion that reminded me that our loved ones are only sleeping and we will be reunited one day in heaven. It is comforting to me to know that God has everything in control, I just have to trust him.
Grief reminds me of a rollercoaster. I may feel joyful and peaceful, but know at any moment grief will send me over the edge and hanging on for dear life. Last week I was over the edge and looking for something to soften the fall. I called Sam’s brother and he reminded me that there would be sad days, but the love would never go away and Sam would always be close by. These words have been spoken to me many times by others, but for some reason those comforting words coming from Dave brought me overwhelming peace. I left the next day for Charlotte and a trip that had me feeling anxious turned out to be hopeful, comforting and joyful. More than likely, I surprised my family with a strength that can only come from God and found an outpouring of comfort and fellowship with Sam’s family. I returned home today feeling somewhat renewed. I will enjoy this time at the peak of my rollercoaster ride and with God’s grace, the downhill ride will not be as steep. Perhaps I am beginning to heal and if so, I am grateful for knowing there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Grief does take time, lots of prayers and the faith to put one foot in front of the other. Trust God to put people in my path with words of comfort and wisdom. I am grateful for Dave’s comforting tone, words and love.
Jenny
The light at the end of the tunnel is there, it’s just being blocked by few dark clouds u see it when the clouds move away for a while…& then it comes back as loneliness, anxiety…etc.!
Trust that God & Sam’s love will guide you along the way!!Also trust & believe in yourself, no matter what it is you feel! That’s the only way you’ll find a way out!
That is one piece of advice I wish someone had told me in the midst of my grief, but I’m happy I get the chance to pass it along!
Hey Guys,
It was Mona jr’s 11th birthday yesterday, & the thought of her mother never left my mind all day…
I was telling people around me & Mona jr. about how much her mother waited for that baby to come 11 years ago…& the funny story about how my aunt’s friend lost her way to the hospital when my auntie was in labor…When they finally got to the hospital parking lot was full & my aunt wouldn’t get down from the car till they found a parking space, they were all screaming laughing in hysterics @ her…lol she was scared to go down alone…
Such joyful moments never seem to leave your mind, & I remembered that yesterday on my way to my grandmother’s house as a surprise for Mona…My surprise attempt didn’t work according to plan, Mona was @ a friend’s house & saw my car from down the road & seemed to scream out to me to stop so I could pick her up…BUT I didn’t see or hear her.
I made her a video for her birthday highlighting the best moments we’ve had so far…She loved it,(practically coming out of my ears) because I put in two of her favorite songs…
I’ll post on youtube tommorow!!
Pictures are here: (The small girl & boy in the photos are Mona’s ADORABLE half sister & brother)
https://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=647606&id=721095152&l=138cf7d0a3
Zeina,
The pictures are so nice. Mona Jr. is a beautiful young lady. I know you are so proud of her and she is blessed to have you in her life. I loved the story of Mona while in labor! Those are memories that will last a lifetime and you will always share with Mona Jr. April is an eventful month for all of us with all of the anniversaries and birthdays. We will all get thru this together…for which I am truly grateful. Thank you for sharing your pictures and stories…you are inspirational.
Jenny
I miss her so much these 2 days…
Strange coincidences that the songs she loved are just being spread around either on the radio or a tape that I was checking to see what was on it…
Mona jr. is a young lady already I miss having her follow me everywhere like when she was younger…But, on the other hand maybe I’m gaining her as a young friend…I’ll just have to wait & see..
Yes we will get through it together…& wish you a great month!!!
Zeina,
Love the pictures. Mona Jr. is a lovely young lady. It’s so great that you’re sharing stories of her birth with her. That’s something she will value more and more through the years. You are such a blessing to her.
Sandi,
Yea I know right now she doesn’t ask alot about her mother…But I have a hunch that she’d like to know more about her in the future!
One thing is for sure…My aunt would have been proud of both kids!!
Jenny,
What wonderful news for your son! How proud you must be of him. 🙂
I love your attitude; it’s got to be helping you through your grief over Sam.
When is Sam’s birthday?
Sandi,
Thank you for your comments. I am trying my best to keep up a good attitude, but it is exhausting! Sam’s birthday is April 27. He would have been 64 years old. The half marathon is April 30 and was my initial reason for signing up to run. I knew the birthday week would be tough and I wanted to focus on a run. Hope you are doing well and as always I appreciate your thoughts and inspiration.
Jenny,
Birthdays and anniversaries are so exhausting, aren’t they? Even when I’m not thinking about them, my body remembers.
Sandi and Zeina,
I hope you are both doing well. This has been a busy, but also eventful week. My oldest son’s birthday was Tuesday and for the first time in 19 years, I was not with him to celebrate. He is 500 miles away in prep school. I thought of how much I miss him, but realized it is all part of a mom letting go of her son as he grows into a man. I was reminded of Sam’s mom and the sorrow she will experience in a couple of weeks on Sam’s birthday. Death has a way of putting life in perspective. For Sean’s 19th birthday, he received his appointment to attend West Point!! What a wonderful gift and the timing was incredible. It was bittersweet for me as I rejoiced for Sean and missed calling Sam with the good news. Again, I am reminded of how life goes on and the first of every event will be a reminder that Sam is not here, but he is always in my heart. Sam’s favorite saying was, “life’s for living”, so this week I have tried to focus on small things I can do to see more joy and see God’s blessings in each day. Sean received wonderful news and I saw God smiling on my son. Emails and phone calls from family and friends that bring a smile to my face…all encouraging and hopeful. God brings us rainbows after the storm, we just have to keep our eyes open.
Jenny
WOW What a wonderful surprise for all of you..Happy Birthday to your son! He was born April 5th?
Mona’s b-day was yesterday April 6th
You all deserve the best, good hearted people should always receive goodness & greatness … It is rewarding, when you see that silver lining. You just have to hold on to it when it gets really tough & I can see you’re doing that….
So so happy for your son…
Looking forward to know how you’ll continue through Sam’s birthday & your half marathon…& hopefully we’ll be here every step of the way!
Ur really amazing & u can do this!!!
I loved this quote!!
"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
David Harkins quotes
Zeina,
That is beautiful. I have to remind myself of what my mom said to me, “would you give up all the pain to have never experienced the love you shared with Sam?” Your quote reinforces the sentiment as well. Thank you for sharing.
Zeina,
This is wonderful. Thank you!
Jenny,
You have been a great encouragement to me today, with your focus on Sam’s new home with no pain or sorrow. Thank you for the reminder…
Sandi,
Thank you for your encouraging words and most of all prayers. I found out tonight that Sam’s house sold. I was overwhelmed with sadness and lots of tears. I guess it made it seem more real to me and something else to let go of. I know the family that bought the house and Sam’s house is in wonderful hands. Just another step in the grieving process.
Sam’s new home is so much better and I need to keep that in my thoughts. For Sam is at peace with no pain or sorrow. He is with God in a wonderful new home.
Jenny,
You are moving through your grief in such a healthy way.
It’s so hard, these months you’re going through, but it WILL get better. You are on the road to healing. The hurt will ease and at the same time, Sam will remain in your heart.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Zeina,
Your writing is so true. There are times when we bury the sorrow. I remember at times not wanting to think about Sam not being here on this earth. When the thoughts of never seeing him again came to mind, I pushed them away and told myself to face it later. Well, later has arrived for me. Something will trigger my memory and I am overwhelmed with sadness as I realize Sam is not here anymore. I am facing it now. I saw a car exactly like Sam’s today…and I realized at that moment I was holding my breath. I exhaled and realized I had to face it, he was not coming back. The sadness was not gut wrenching today, but at times it can be. I am truly trying to face each day with truth and crying when I need to cry. I have set aside my drive to work as my crying time. It helps me to face my co-workers and do my job if I have “purged”. Nights are the toughest for me, just as you wrote, I too lie awake praying for my eyes to close. I am afraid to get still because then my mind will wander to the sadness. It was helpful to read that you faced these moments and the more you dug into them the freer you became to find joy. I have those joyful moments now at times and when they come, I cherish them even if only for an hour or two. I believe I function to most people as if nothing has occured in my life, but underneath the mask is grief. To those closest to me or I trust enough to share my grief, it helps to take off the mask. Each day is one foot in front of the other…but for me that is a graduation from one breath at at time. I am so glad we have this site to talk about our fears, sadness, memories and joyful times as well.
Jenny,
The triggers ur talking about are called “Grief triggers” they’re completely normal,and are not a setback…
You’re ok for 1 day or two, then a memory comes back & u feel like u crashed, totally ok!!!
That’s how u move forward….u can’t take the pain all at once so u get few times of happiness and then the triggers come back…
I agree with Sandi, ur definetely on the right track!!& very proud every time I read a post coming from you!!
Sandi & Jenny
Another post from my journey…hope u guys like it!
________________________________________________
The beautiful, clear, white snow filled the place as I approached the small church; it was stunned with a peaceful silence that leaves you with nothing, but your own thoughts. Your personal most intimate fears arise. The same that you leave behind till you reach a moment of distress, where you can’t do anything but face them. That exact moment the whole world was empty. It had been long since I felt at ease. The sun was certainly shining on my side.
It wasn’t long that my whole world seemed to crash, because I waited for a change, that I never worked on achieving. Everyone told me time would heal all wounds. But does it?
Maybe, time never heals it’s probably something we are told, when the other person is avoiding a sticky situation or it’s simply their idea of making it through hardships. Perhaps, I listened to all the wrong people, but myself. I went with the flow during the times I should have gone against the flow. When they told me not to cry, I should have cried my eyes out. And when they told me not to talk about a memory, I should have screamed for everyone to listen. When they advised me not to write about my loss, I should have told them it was none of their business.
All I ever wanted was to understand how I felt about certain issues; instead I waited numbly for my problem to go away, leaving it for time to its job. The train of the restricted past seemed to follow me everywhere, to the extent that each time I’d start to write a memory I would stop….Maybe it wasn’t ok, to feel angry about all this.
The more time passed the more anxiety that train loaded, I set on that track for so long, that made me detest any event coming my way.
February days seemed to be the longest, as I’d recall a storm I dived in and never came out. The nights seemed so long, as I lay awake praying for my eyes to close, but never did.
Spring days made my heart blue, especially with Mother’s day approaching, I dreaded the day I’d celebrate that day without my Godmother by my side. I never had the strength to face it, and still waited for time to heal or for that gap to magically disappear.
The cheerful June days, didn’t bring along the sounds of laughter I wanted to hear. The smell of the sea brought in nothing, but pain and the sun seemed to shine of everyone except for that one gloomy figure in the corner.
I dreaded the sound of November showers as it fell on the window sill and turned away from the happy memories when there was someone there to pull me in from the rain.
All I ever did was waited and waited for time to heal a loss; I was supposed to face. Instead I was still on the same track never digging left or right into what was bothering me.
Till one day my whole world came crashing down with a memory similar to the one I never faced, every emotion I ever ignored came back stronger than I had ever imagined. The anger that never came out, the gap that I never admitted was there hit twice as much hard as it could have been if faced directly.
I never realized so much could have avoided if I had just listened to my feelings. I noticed that no one would listen if I never talked and nothing, but more harm would come if I ignored it this time.
So I took the challenge, everything I never faced crashed into my face, this time I didn’t put them aside.
The more I dug into the loss, freer I became. Freedom brought back joyful memories I never thought I’d remember with a smile. I am accepting every memory and the truth that what happened did affect me greatly.
Yet, they have their place in the past.
Just like a chapter in a book I had read before and chose not to read again.
Zeina,
Wonderful writing and wonderful, wonderful advice! It sure doesn’t pay to hold feelings back, does it? They come out eventually. I’m so glad you accepted all your feelings as OKAY.
Thank you so much for posting this. Wish I could have read this during the first year after my husband’s death.
No Sandi holding back never did anything good…
Wish someone had told me those things before too, but maybe if they did the question is would we have believed them then in the midst of our grief?
I believe we had to go through all of this to get to this state…I never used to believe ,but things happened that way for a reason, or else we’d be in a different position right now!
Zeina,
You’re right, I’m not sure we would have believed them in our grief, or even have known how to deal with it all anyway.
Sandi
Jenny,
Even though you lost Sam’s presence, you must still hear his caring words in your heart. You will never lose that!
Sandi,
I appreciate your comment on tough love. I called it tough love because it came from a family member. It still hurts, but I am praying I will let it go. Sam taught me to not be judgmental. He always told me that I was enough and I did not need to be a “people pleaser”. Sam told me that we should look for the good in others and not dwell on the negative because that was easy…seeing the good in bad times was what got you through the tough times. If I was in a gumpy mood, Sam would look at me and smile with those incredible blue eyes and say, “do you want to fight” and then we laughed. He would always get a laugh out of me. We talked through serious things and those were always important to Sam. Day to day, small talk was not as important to Sam as the heart to heart stuff. I learned to not hold in my feelings, to let go of things because I knew he would love me no matter what. Sam would tell me when I was down, “tomorrow is another day and the sun will come up. Be strong, be yourself,you are a wonderful woman and I love you”. I miss hearing those words.
Children’s laughter everywhere, small eyes searching in the busy crowd looking for their parents who had come to watch them sing and dance. All except two kids there eyes were towards the floor as I walked in with my grandmother. I waved to them and felt a smile on Mona junior’s face as she hopped out of the line her KG2 class had formed and ran for a hug.
Her teacher followed trying to keep the others from doing the same, till she reached me. The teacher’s eyes just opened wide as she looked at me, and I felt a horrific shock on her face, that made me wonder what had gone wrong during the few seconds I was there. I put mona down and instructed her to go back to her teacher….”ok zeina byyyee…watch me onstage” the four year old screamed. “I sure will” I answered still confused at the way Mona’s KG teacher was staring. Had I done anything wrong?
We watched the hilarious act the kids put on, after Mona’s class finished I went to her classroom to see her interacting with her classmates. I stood at the window watching, and there she was the same teacher packing up the class, and little Mona by her side. As soon as I waved to the kid, she ran to me putting me in turmoil of kisses, that’s when the teacher followed this time with a smile on her face.
“So you’re the auntie?” she asked “Actually no I’m the cousin” I answered. “Aren’t you Mona senior’s sister?” The teacher asked. “No I’m her niece”.
“Sorry about earlier, but I thought I saw a ghost, you look so similar to your late aunt it was really a shock…you have the same hair, same lips & smile. I just couldn’t face you.”
“Its fine I guess.”
“You have a lot of similarities with her more than her own daughter, you know that?” the teacher added. “I’ve never thought of that…thank you” I said in a breaking voice about to fall apart, my heart sank as I heard those words. It was hard enough to get out of the house back then without anyone asking me where my sister had been or what had she been up to with her kids, now this happened. I took a deep breath and swallowed back my tears as I saw Mona junior laughing out loud with her friends at the back. This is her day I thought; I don’t want to ruin it for her…
“Can I show you something?” the teacher added interrupting my sudden silence. “yes sure” I followed her to an abandoned class, “This is your aunt’s class, no one has been in here since the incident…” I looked around the neat class, the teacher’s chair that looked so cold and empty.. I scanned the billboard it seemed every one of her students had written something about my aunt. I imagined how much they meant to her, to listen to their problems to be there for them. She always mentioned that the school was her second family, but till that day it had been unknown territory for me. “Oh my god” I sighed as I read what one student had written about her (Miss Mona always made us laugh…she used to imitate us….) yes I could imagine how that could have been she had done it to us many times as kids and it never failed to make us laugh hard.
My tears had failed me again, even with all this amount of overwhelming none came down.
I was too heartbroken, to cry, from what I had seen onstage and then this. It wasn’t fair that I was up there cheering Mona’s kids and not her, I hated myself for that and blamed it on myself that I could enjoy that moment whilst their mother couldn’t.
My mind was too distracted to think of what Mona junior had thought if I had started crying. She would keep asking for days, so I kept it inside…
I know now that I’m not to blame, when I watch the kids onstage with pride, and watching them scream from excitement. That’s all I could ever ask for, & I realize that Mona would have been very happy and proud of them, and somehow she could see them from where she is…
Zeina,
Wow, that is another incredible piece of writing! I can not imagine what it must have felt like to walk into Mona’s classroom and for the teacher to have thought you were Mona. I am sure Mona is smiling and so proud of her children and you for being a part of their life. Your stories of grief and how you handle every situation is uplifting for me. I am so sorry that you lost your wonderful aunt Mona and those beautiful children lost their mom, but I am grateful that you have shared your grief experience with me. I feel blessed to have found you on this blog and be a part of your journey as well. Your notes, stories, poems, songs and all your thoughts are greatly appreciated. You have certainly done what I hope to one day be able to do, turn my grief into something that will help others traveling the same journey. Thank you!!
Jenny,
It’s great to hear that my stories inspire you.
No need for thanks, we’re all human & no matter who we are & what we do in life…grief is something we’re bound to go through with death and other losses…
It’s a part of life, and a chance to set a new beginning…
Zeina,
Thank you! It is so wonderful to have this site and you along for my journey. It is a tough road and I am so glad I do not have to travel alone. I know God with me, but it helps to have those that have traveled the road to remind me that God will not leave my side and he has placed angels along the way!
I’ll post more stories very soon…
Has anyone read the poem “Footprints in the sand”? I’m sure you guys have come across it…It’s unbelievable that was the last e-mail I got from my aunt.
http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php
A true reminder that we’re never alone!
Zeina,
Yes, I love that poem. The fact of God carrying me through my grief has really sustained me, particularly in the early months.
Zeina,
That is a beautiful poem that I had forgotten. I remember as a teenager having that poem on a bookmark. So beautiful. I know it must give you so much joy to know that was an email from Mona!
“The beginning of my path towards healing after loss,this is the note that changed my life!!”
The gap
I climbed the long steps, and stopped in the middle to listen to nothing… the silence of the place reflected its true beauty. Even though it was winter, roses were blooming in the garden around. Raindrops were gathering on my face and for the first time I didn’t hear anyone screaming to get under shelter.
I reached the church and looked up at the statue; it was so quiet I could hear my own heart beat. I kneeled to pray and felt the cold from the floor reach to my bones ignoring it I closed my eyes to pray.
I put my head in my hands to pray, but instead thoughts started rushing through my head of the events that had occurred in the past five years. How my life changed in one day because of the loss of someone…
I started to think of the things I was told when the loss was fresh “be strong…let go…forget!!!” While there I was lost not knowing what to look for what to be strong at…or how to forget someone whom the idea of their loss haunts you every second of the day…how do people know that I should forget? Did they lose that special person?? Are they involved in my story?
But what about letting go?? How can you let go when the person you lost has touched you deeply? How can you let go when you were once a part of them, and what you carry from strength is from their personality? How can I let go of someone without letting go of myself?
I have let go of what was once a body and soul but can’t let go of the beautiful memories and the things I was taught, I can’t let go of a smile that makes me go through the day, can’t let go of laughter and certainly can’t let go of tears.
I opened my eyes no one was around and looked in the empty church and wondered how many people have been through this feeling and have come to church for answers… have I really lost track of my life? Or was it the beginning of my path?
It was then a rush of thoughts raced through my head, crashing all together. I imagined how life would be different without sorrow and grief how can a person end up words on a paper, a body in a tomb, flame of a candle, shadows on the walls, a soul present in prayers, An unknown figure in portraits, A unique rose that stands out from its surroundings, a tear on a cheek, or even a name no one responds to.
It’s so strange that it takes us that long to figure out what life is about, and what it means to be alive. All the troubled noises have gone, yet still they come back to haunt me from time to time. I choose to forget, to ignore the void, to shut my ears so I can hear no one mentioning the loss, but the truth is too big to be hidden.
It’s a subject everyone you get acquainted with avoids, and closes the door on it. The true fact no one can deny it that you hold on to every word, every sentence, every wound, and every memory. The people you always want to share your grief with don’t realize the meaning of the treasured words on a paper or the value of the memory you have inside.
You seem fine but no one wants to know what’s truly inside, there are these moments when you want to shout out and cry for no reason and other moments when you’re calming everyone and making them forget. Later on, the gap of pain and loss appears in the happiest times, but doesn’t seem to ruin the days. We either learn to live with it or to cry it off. As time goes by the tears become less, but more heart filled and warmer. The worst kinds of tears are the ones that come down your cheek over someone who is not there to make you feel better.
In very few eyes I have found understanding and in fewer moments someone was able to comfort my anxiety. One thing I know is that we always loose important people, its how we deal with tough and sore moments that make us who we are. And it’s where we decide to save our loved ones that make us go on, we can carry them in our hearts that is how people live on. We save them in the one place that doesn’t need a key or a door to enter no one can reach out there, because it will forever stay and no human or any force can ever change it…
The gap teaches you a lot about how much one person counts and how things have a way of turning and how in a blink of an eye you end up continuing life without the people who matter the most. And that we never truly love from all our hearts till we loose someone or get stuck in an irreversible situation with a loved one, and we can never truly forgive till we learn the hard lesson in life that the people around us aren’t immortal
The gap gets bigger with the following years, and you expect people to be more understanding about the opening of the gap from time to time, yet you hear them saying “life goes on…” and it does. But they never for one minute think that life is going on without a specific person who promised to be there and love you uniquely the way you are. And I never thought that after five years of the loss I’ll be feeling empty and lost from the inside, the loss doesn’t need to be mentioned but it’s there. It haunts us and comes out as fear, or courage to do your best for the others that are still breathing.
I thought about what Mona had left us after she had gone, everyone leaves something behind and she had left me her greatest love. That was when I remembered her kids’ strength and their blazing eyes full of life, their small stories about everything happening to them every minute of the day. And I thought that my biggest fear is to see them growing and looking around to realize they don’t have anyone close to relate to.
I realized the time, and started to get up the rain had stopped, everything was still quiet. I hurried down to the car, and looked at the sleeping 8 year old near me despite all her cheekiness during the day; she looked like an angel dreaming of a better world. Seeing her beside me put a smile on my face, and made me realize that no matter how old she gets her problems will always have to go through me. We have gone through so much together and yet there is more to come, I realized that I can’t afford to be shattered when there’s someone present to love and fill her world with great wonders.
Her long hair was covering her like a quilt, a young sparkling angel she is I thought… I was feeling her hands to check if she were cold when her eyes opened. She looked around in a curious matter, as I greeted her “hey beautiful”. She said “Zeina, are we at a church?? Can I go down and light a candle?” I was about to answer when she interrupted… “Pleaaaaaaaase” she pleaded
I nodded approvingly, and once again we climbed the long steps together, the sun was coming out from behind the clouds and strange enough I came up there for peace of mind and to enjoy the quietness, Mona jr. was telling me every single detail about her dream and I was listening interestingly. The place seemed more beautiful than before, but I didn’t realize why till I thought back on what had changed from earlier ….The silence was filled with the laughter of a child.
Zeina,
What you wrote is beautiful, comforting, encouraging and spoke to my heart. I admire your strength, the way you are honoring Mona by sharing her story with others, but most of all for the legacy of a mom shared with her children. You are amazing. Please keep writing and sharing. I am going to print this one as a reminder to myself of how to walk thru this journey and we are truly never alone. God has blessed you with an incredible gift, thank you for sharing that with those of us traveling the journey of grief.
Jenny
After reading ur last post about tough love I remembered what it was like for me & looked for this, it’s such an honor that you’re going to print it!! Very encouraging for me…
hope it helps u through ur dark places!
thanks for the encouragement!
Zeina,
I love, love, love the last line of your story! Thank you for posting it.
Wonderful.
Sandi,
That’s my favorite sentence too.
This post was right after my breakdown I had told you about. I never noticed till yesterday the optimism at the end in each of the notes…
Thanks for the encouragement
Jenny,
Im sorry to say that some people just don’t get it! The person who thought was giving u tough love obviously has never experienced a loss. U cant discuss this subject with everyone because they won’t understand i learned it the hard way,but u have us! We may not be able to make it better or fully understand ur loss, because every loss is unique, but we’re ready to be here when u need us….
Zeina,
Thank you for your kind words. You are correct, not everyone understands and all of us experience grief in different ways. I guess I am learning too. Thank you again for your thoughtfulness. I am here for you as well!
Jenny,
Will be thinking of you in Charlotte this weekend…
Sandi,
Thank you for your kind thoughts. My plans have changed and probably for the best. I will be home this weekend. Did have an experience this week with someone practicing “tough love” with me. Telling me I was negative, in the pit and needed to get over my pity party and see all the things to be thankful for and not dwell on what I have lost. I am still trying to let go of my anger over the incident. I know I can get negative at times and do visit the dark side, but I feel as if I am trying to get to the other side of grief as best I can. I understand sometimes that others do not really understand your grief and feel they are being helpful. I am not one to rally from tough love, it only angers me. I missed Sam more than ever at this time for he would know exactly what to say to encourage me after I felt like I was knocked down and kicked in the gut. I am praying that I will let this go because I feel so much anger towards this person now. I remember reading in one of your earlier post, you learn who you can talk to about your sadness. I am still learning. Thank you again for your thoughts and most of all for a site that doesn’t judge or condemn for sadness and grief. Encouragement is always welcome! Thank you!
Jenny,
I’m not sure what you’re describing is love…tough or otherwise.
What is it Sam would have said to you when you felt like you were knocked down?
Jenny,
I’m glad you find my writing comforting.
It’s okay to be sad and though it doesn’t seem like it, feeling your pain and the incredible losses because of Sam’s death, is the best way through all this. But is sure isn’t fun, is it?
You’re in my prayers…
No, it is not fun at all. Somedays I just wish I could feel like I did before Sam died. As painful as it is, I have to keep moving forward and have enough faith to know that one day I will not hurt so badly. Thank you for your prayers and responses. It helps!
Jenny,
I agree with Sandi, there’s no way out unless you feel your pain…It’s no picnic, but you can do it, and u won’t be the same person you were before Sam died, but ull realize that’s how it’s supposed to be…You’ll be stronger I’m sure…You’ll also be able to cope better with anniversaries and birthdays…
Till then you’re in my prayers too, just hang in there & post whenever u need to talk something through!
Zeina
Just a note to thank u guys for ur comments im not able to access the pc right now. I’ll reply first thing tommorow morning…just wanted to say that i read them from mobile…
Thanks alot guys…
Sandi,
I continue to go back and read your earlier post finding your writing very comforting. Yesterday was my sister in law’s birthday and today marks one year since her mom passed away. I have been supportive with calls, emails, text and lots of prayers. She lives in Charlotte and I will be returning there this weekend. It has been a long time since I have visited home and Sam’s home. I plan to spend time with both families. I have been very sad since last night and can’t seem to shake it. My brother surprised my sister in law with a visit from her brother to help her on her birthday and coping with her mom’s passing away anniversary. After hearing of this wonderful gift, I got sad. I am ahead of my worry in thinking of my birthday and 10 days later the one year of Sam’s passing away. Last year Sam surprised me the day after my birthday with a visit to cheer me up because my oldest son had left home for school and that was an adjustment for me. Sam knew it would brighten my day and wanted to make my birthday special. The next day when he left for home was the last time I saw him alive. I will never forget that day. August is a long time off, but I get sad thinking the one person that could brighten my day, knew me better than anyone else and could make me smile with a phone call is no longer here. I miss Sam and I miss the anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and all the events I will not get to share with him. It really is tough when we let our minds go past one breath at a time.
Hey Guys,
First Happy Mother’s day to both of you!!
I didn’t do anything specific yesterday, since it’s a normal work day. It stings a little this year, just the thought of the kids growing up & their mother not here to see them, she always bragged about celebrating with them…but it’s better than last year…
Saturday, Mona & I went out for lunch and then to the flower & bird festival ….It was too crowded!! So we didn’t stay that long, I took her to the park after that, along witha friend of mine… We were laughing at her while she rocked every swing & slide to check if it falls b4 sitting on it…
While we were in gift shop her eyes caught on some water balloons so I got them (she couldnt believe we were actually gonna do this lol) So, we had a water balloon fight in the parking lot.
We ended the evening with her turning on prayers on her phone & then we slept! Turns out that’s the only way she could sleep!
She went early on Sunday morning, because they had some people over for lunch, but I don’t think she’ll ever forget that weekend…
Thank you guys for ur concern…
hope ur all doing good!
Pictures are here:
https://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=640014&id=721095152&l=aa00473438
Zeina,
Thank you for sharing your day in pictures, for they speak a thousand words. Mona is a beautiful young lady and I am sure her mom is smiling on what a blessing you have been to her daughter. I am glad this year was easier for you both. The pictures of the flowers are so beautiful and I felt like I was at the festival!!
Hey Jenny,
Mona took those pictures, I’m teaching her photography…
It was so special this year, Mona is almost 11 she’s so mature & easy to talk to then when she was a child…
& YET I miss her being 5 years old clinging to my foot, or waking me up 4 in the morning to tell me that she’s bored looool
Thanks for commenting!
Zeina,
Isn’t it wonderful that you knew Mona Jr’s mom so well, that you can be there for her in ways her mom would have been? Still, there’s no replacement for a mom, is there? Mona Jr. is in my prayers too.
I love the photos. Looks like the 2 of you have an incredible bond!
Sandi,
Ur right there’s no replacement for a mother’s love.
But still I’m glad that I got to know her & have all these stories about her, that I’ll get to tell my cousins when they ask.
Mona jr. & I spend alot of time together that explains the bond, when my aunt was pregnant with her I told her I don’t want to be the only girl between my cousins, let the baby be a girl…she laughed so hard at that & I was the first person she called when the girl was born…
There was that one time when Mona jr. was 4 & had just begun to understand who I was. I hadn’t seen her for a year, when my grandmother told her I was her cousin she hugged me so tight & said “I have a girl cousin….” then she started telling everyone at her school…lool
I have taken alot of aspects from my aunt that I never realize till my parents reminds me of . Or right untill I fix my make up in the car (b4 it’s turned on)& my grandmother bursts out crying saying that’s the way Mona used to do things. I remember hating that for a while & wanting to change it, but now I embrace that side as long as it’s something positive.
My aunt talked about how proud she was when her son went out onstage that first Mother’s day in nursery, how happy & excited she was to watch her daughter do that someday…She never got to do that when she was alive, but I’m sure she has seen Mona jr. over the years through our tears of joy & through the love we have for those kids….
Thanks for ur comments
Glad u liked the pictures
Zeina,
Along with Sandi, I am too am thinking of you. I also look forward to hearing about what you did for Mother’s Day. Hope all is well.
Zeina,
Thinking of you on this March 21st, Mother’s Day. What have you planned?
Zeina,
Very encouraging words for me today. Thank you for telling me.
Hey,
This is something I’ve been struggling to write for EXACTLY a year now! After writing more than 5 drafts to make it shorter.
Today I decided to go back to draft #1 it was the most realistic one!
____________________________________________
Mother’s day after loss.
*Through pictures she searches for memories she wishes to recall, for she was hardly three years old when her mother departed. Too young to absorb what happened, too little to have forged a touching memory to carry into her teenage years and then adulthood. She shakes off people’s stares with her straight, light brown hair, and the darkness in her brown eyes shut away the whispers about how unfortunate she is, and how much her mother would have loved to watch her grow. She spends her time scuttling through her things, trying out her clothes, putting on her makeup, wearing her T-shirts smelling her perfume; she even tries if her mother’s shoes fit.
Through the years, she has felt the void, and she’s not afraid to let it show, drawing her life with colors and flowers she had picked up sticks them on a cardboard , creating an imaginary story which is often about her mother they live in their own world where no one else exists and they do everything together. She takes her to ballet practices, cheers for her in the school recitals, shows her how proud she is when she takes an A.
She unconsciously seeks her approval without ever meeting her, or even feeling her motherly touch by either praying for her or by asking questions about her . When she lights a candle she feels her mother’s presence near and when curiosity is bigger than her pain she opens the subject by comparing how her mother’s friend takes the girl shopping, when I answer with a similar story about her mother those eyes sparkle with life with a shy smile to be followed by silence. Her silence reflects her hidden anger we never glimpse.
She makes up for her loss, with her smile, activities and great Spirit making up her own decisions and worrying about herself. She acts sensibly so nobody questions her, and has her freedom which she takes pride in that she is more independent than other ten year old girls. She spends weeks decorating her mother’s day present, which is left in the corner of her classroom alone, waiting to be asked about. And when the teacher has the courage to ask her why she hasn’t taken it with her, the child answers “I don’t like it”, the hidden truth behind is that her answer is that she had already thought about buying roses that day, but her efforts go nowhere she has no one to give them to. What she doesn’t know is that when her mother was alive she had spoken about that day so much that it seemed real the people around her.
She prays and prays for God to keep her mother safe, never asking for proof whether if he’s listening or not. She believes in her angels, seen or unseen, and comes up with the most inspiring stories to tell. She is familiar with the void in her life, and embraces it like flowers receive the rain;yet all she does is give her love to the people around her.
I think of her with great fear that one day she’ll be angry, of her passing through life milestone after another….birthdays after another….Mother’s day after another without the most important person she could know….Yet she surprises me with a 100 watt smile and the most wonderful spirit…That is enough to kick away my fears, and dream with her of a bright future.
Zeina,
That is absolutely beautiful. Your story touched me deeply. I can not imagine what it would be like to grow up without my mom, but Mona’s children are blessed to have you in their life. Keep writing and keep sharing. Thank you for bringing a tear and a smile to my day!
You are in my thoughts and I am grateful for taking this journey with you, you are an inspiration!
Jenny,
I was hesitant to post this, because it’s our bitter sweet reality. But the kids are a true inspiration, they show me everyday beauty in this life.
You’re in my thoughts too during your journey!
Hope you’re doing ok! Take Care!
Zeina,
Very touching story. My heart goes out to that little girl.
What a beautiful spirit!
Sandy,
Your blog has encouraged me to keep writing!
I had thought the story above didn’t need continuing & had decided to stop, thinking I had nothing more to write.Then I found your blog! It talked in more details about fears,pain, memories…hope!
It just triggered something in me, I never knew hope lived so deep in our hearts!
I am very thankful for that!
Jenny,
You’re in my thoughts and prayers today…
Zeina,
What a beautiful thought and pictures!! You are so kind to share your pictures and also your thoughts. I woke up sad, but the day is bright and sunny. I will carry your words of encouragment with me. I recently read in a devotion, “rejoice and be glad for this is the day the Lord has made.” Spring flowers are in bloom and my yard is filled with birds. I hope to see the “bright hope” before me through out the day. Thank you again!!
Jenny,
Wish you glimpse hope more often…
Because we’re all different& unique …Hope could come in another time/ definition for you, im sure ull find it!
P.S: I want a yard full of birds…right now I have my kitchen full of them! Better than nothing!lol
Jenny!!I’ve been thinking of you alot since I read your post yesterday. I know it’s a difficult day for you! Can’t wait to read more about your journal& ur running!
Jenny & Sandi,
I wanted to share with you a photography album, I took those photos at a convent of a saint from my country Lebanon…two days ago during a snow storm!! Wish you
guys had seen it personally!
https://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=634762&id=721095152&l=13bc87c6a4
You can see how peaceful everything looks despite that it was thundering & strong winds…The view of snow seemed to be dominant, bright as hope!
& Being in the middle of the storm was all I needed to remember, that during our times of windy days & stormy nights. We are always being covered with a layer of white hope!!!
I’ll be thinking of you today Jenny!! Keep telling us how you’re doing!!
Oh Zeina, what beautiful photos. Thank you for sharing them. I love your picture of HOPE in the middle of a storm! 🙂
Thank you!
I used to think after what I’ve been through I’d continue to look @ life from the dark side…But it’s the other way around!
After the darkness comes the light!
Jenny,
Will be thinking of you tomorrow on the 7th month anniversary.
Sandi,
Thank you for your thoughts and as always for your wonderful comments and post. I am planning to run a long run on my favorite trail. I went through a period of not consistently running and my mind would go to the “dark side”. Just recently I have found my “runner’s high” again and it is a blessing. There are so many days now that running saves me from depression. During my runs I am able to pray, compose journal entries, and let my emotions go. I am grateful that through running I am able to find some peace and escape from the sadness that comes with grief. I am training for a half marathon. I ran a half marathon 2 years ago and Sam was there for me. The ultimate challenge for me is learning to live with grief and running is one way to help me cope. The race is April 30 and Sam’s birthday is April 27, so that is another reason I want to run this race. Thank you again for your thoughts.
Zeina,
Wonderful post about facing difficulties ahead in life and knowing that you have faced worse. This would have been Sam’s “mean season”. Monday marks the 10th year since his son passed away. I know now that the two of them are together and they are joyful. I hope to keep that thought in my mind as I approach the 7th month anniversary on Saturday for Sam’s passing away.
Hope all is well with you,
Jenny
Zeina,
I like your statement, “I can do this…because I’ve been through worse.” Good to remember.
Hi Sandi & Jenny,
I agree with you both, there’s nothing more difficult than grief & loss.
But somewhere along the line when you see new troubles ahead, you’ll think “I can do this…because I’ve been through worse”
Nothing more rewarding than reaching that place! & you’ll never know why the loss happened, but realize that’s how everything is supposed to be…
Keep praying & believing ,because there’s always a way out!
Zeina
Jenny,
You’re right. I think back on my journey and I can’t remember anything else in my entire life that was as difficult.
So many questions….so few answers. At least not right away. But you know God’s heart of love and He will not only help you through your grief, He will walk with you and carry you when needed. He sure did with me!
.
Sandi,
I agree with you. I read a devotion recently about how God uses us even during our greiving process. The author said that maybe God can use us in a way he could not do when that person was on earth. I am still struggling with that statement. I know we must trust God’s heart and he does not make mistakes, but still very hard for me to accept that I had to lose Sam in order to fulfill a greater purpose. Maybe I should try to look at this in a different way, God will use my grief in a positive way if I allow him to help me through my grief. So many questions and everyday I continue to pray for God to help me walk through grief and fill me with peace and comfort. I can certainly see a difference today in my grief than almost 7 months ago. It is a process and the most difficult journey I have ever had to make.
Jenny,
Regarding your comments where you talk about looking at Sam’s pictures and talking with your friend with prostate cancer:
You’re right. It really does help to feel we are helping another in our grief. I’d rather not have had to go through the grief, but at the same time, at least it wasn’t in vain…
Zeina,
You are wonderful to Mona Jr. I would talk about Sam 24/7 and I have been blessed with his sister as my grief partner. She shares stories of Sam growing up and we have laughed and cried daily. She tells me to call her 24/7 and she will be there for me always. Sam and his sister were close, but had their differences. She is so thankful they were “getting along” when he passed away. I know Sam must be smiling on us when we talk and I know he is grateful I have her. Keep talking to Mona Jr…forever! She needs you as much as you need her.
Thank you for being there for me as well. Today marks the 29th week, so you have made me smile..thank you!
That’s great about Sam’s sister, all sibblings have their differences, it’s good that you both have something in common. It’s great that she’s sweet enough to share so much about him! Keep her close, she’s probably going through same grief!
Sam is probably smiling from above, when seeing you & his sister talking about him!
Mona & I text approximetely every evening to say our goodnights! She has the sweetest character!
Hope she stays that way through her teenage years!
Thanks for your comment!
& I hope that the next days, weeks & month would go by smoothly for you! We’re always here!
Best Regards,
Zeina
Zeina,
I am glad your month is behind you. Having Mona’s children to bless your life is wonderful for you and they are so fortunate to have you in their life.
My days have been up and down. Grateful that I have progressed from one breath at a time to almost one day at a time. I tried being “numb” and all it did was backfire….then the sadness came back stronger than ever.
So good to hear from you. We will be here for you through Mother’s day as well!!
Isn’t it wonderful to have our grief traveling companions.
Yea, I understand the numbness part!When I feel numb I know what’s coming next, so I just work on making the numbness phase a little shorter…Since,it’s going to happen anyway!
That’s great about your progres, I’m really happy that you do notice the pattern you’re going through.
That’s one of the important things about grief!
I know you guys will be here on Mother’s day, that makes me look forward to it this year. Also Mona junior is almost 11 it means she would want to hear stories this year! I did begin a system with her few months ago, where she could text message me any question about her mother. She hasn’t done that yet & I haven’t stressed on it too much!
Maybe, I’ll work on it with her this “Mother’s Day”. I just want her to know that she could ask me anything!
I’m happy to hear from you Jenny! Keep writing to us!
Zeina,
I love your being there for Mona Jr. through texting. What a great idea!
Jenny,
The first year after Bill’s death, whenever I would go numb, I would get out his pictures and that would always bring me out of it. I both loved and hated being numb, but mostly I just wanted to get on the other side of grief and the only way was through it…
Sandi,
I look at Sam’s picture so often and many times it is comforting and other times makes me very sad. We had a close friend who is a photographer. He sends me pictures that he took of Sam coaching the JV football team that he coached for many years. I cry every time, but I am so thankful for all the pictures of Sam. One of Sam’s closest friends has prostate cancer and we talked today. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was helping someone. I know God has a plan for my life in helping others and grief will help me find the inner most part of me that can be beneficial to others. Numb or not numb, you are right…it is a journey and getting to the other side is the finish line. In this race, there is no time limit or restrictions of how to run the race..only a goal of crossing the finish line.
Hey guys!
Just wanted to share that my nightmare month is over!
February has passed :D! The one thing I still despise is March 21st Mother’s day!
But I still get the chance to work around it, last year I took Mona junior to the park & then we went to a floral museum!
Let’s see what we’ll do this year!
Thank God for having my cousin in my life!
Hope ur all doing ok!!
Best Regards,
Zeina
Zeina,
Such a relief when these times are over, isn’t there? Til the next one…
As Jenny says, we’ll be here for you on the 21st of March. I love how you make plans with your cousin. Do you feel closer to Mona when you’re with her? Does she look at all like her mom?
Thinking of you…
Sandi and Zeina,
What a beautiful message of looking to Jesus. I am out of town again and this time with my younger son. I listened to a sermon on my drive. The message was about looking up to heaven and seeing the face of Jesus, not of the problems and worries of this world. It was comforting to hear the words, God knows our needs and wants us to not worry, but look to him and anxiously await his return. I was touched with peace as I thought about eternity and one day we will see Jesus and our loved ones that are waiting for us as well. I will try to stay focused on the thought of looking up. I have noticed that when I run, my head is normally down looking only at my feet. I have almost plowed over walkers because I am so down, I look down. One day it occured to me to keep my eyes up and look ahead..the road is scary but I am never alone. My neck and shoulders are not as sore after a run and walkers are much safer!! So my message today, was look up to Jesus and your blog just reenforced the message…thank you!!
That’s a nice message Jenny! I’ll keep that in mind!
Hope you have a nice time with your son!
Jenny,
Your habit of looking down while running, is a real metaphor for the importance of “looking up”, isn’t it?
Thank you. Your comments are wonderful.
Zeina,
While I can understand how comforting a butterfly as a sign could be, my blog is more about finding comfort in God and in particular, His son, Jesus.
I used to have annual summer battles with the deer that ate the flowers from the urn by my husband’s grave. I tried to replace them with deer-resistant ones, but nothing worked. They were hungry. I even went as far as to place single roses on the back of Bill’s monument where I hoped he could see them before they got eaten, and know that I had put them there for him.
One day it struck me that if he could see, he would not be looking at my way-too-temporary flowers. His eyes would be on Jesus and His peace and comfort, as he had done before he died. Through his example while dying, Bill taught me how to live.
Sandi,
I loved your story! It’s beautiful…& I agree with everything you said
…
Of course there’s nothing more amazing than finding comfort in God & his son Jesus. Praying is the ultimate healing & I have been lighting candles all through this month for my aunt!
I have also taught my cousin Mona to pray for her mother every evening she puts her picture in front of her & prays befores she goes to bed.
The stories that I’m talking about happened in the midst of all the black, & I’m more than sure that everything I’ve been through, all the people who have passed in my life were a sign from God himself to see the bright sides…
Thank you, Zeina.
You have a wonderful ability to look on the “bright side” and it must have really helped in your grief.
It sounds like Mona’s attitude of fun and joy in life has passed on to you. What a treasure that is!
Zeina,
I loved your story of your cousins and the butterfly. I could picture the scene in my mind and it was funny yet heartbreaking. When Sam passed away, I saw butterflies everywhere. A beautiful monarch butterfly would sit on the window ledge of my office. A friend at work one day spotted the butterfly and said she had never seen such a big butterfly just sitting at the window. I said, “oh, that is Sam!”. She smiled and I explained that since Sam passed away the butterfly showed up almost everyday. My sisters gave me a silver necklace with 2 small butterflies. I see Sam in everything and for me it is peaceful and comforting. Isn’t it wonderful that we are given signs to comfort us when our loved ones are no longer here.
Thank you for your post and advice to let it out. I agree with you and thankful you are here to listen. We are here for each other.
I have alot of stories about these kids, that you wouldn’t imagine!They make ur heart sink & at the same time, I look at them they’re the closest to my aunt. Deep down I know they’re the ones who should be whining about how life is unfair without her. but yet they have a 100 watt smile and are finding ways to move on, they really mention her at the weirdest times when I’m confused about teaching them something….that’s when an answer pops back in my mind!
That’s a beautiful story about the butterfly, I really do believe in these signs…They bring comfort and hope…
I wish that you’ll keep looking for them! As my cousins taught me to do!
Sandi and Zeina,
I am still out of town, but returning home tonight. I am visiting my son. He is attending West Point prep school. He is a basketball player and I got to see him play 2 games over the long weekend. It has been wonderful being with him!! I struggled so much last summer when he left for school and Sam was my anchor. Sam passed away right after Sean finished basic training. It has been tough dealing with separation from my son and Sam passing away. Today I am so emotional, the tears are plentiful as I leave my son and miss having Sam to shoulder my tears. Fortunately, I have you both as my grief partners. Like Zeina, I check this site daily and find so much strength in sharing my fears, sadness, and glimmer of hope. Sadness was brief while visiting with Sean, it was on the back burner, but today all the emotions are pushing their way back to the front. I will have to “dig deep” (as I say to my boys often when times get tough) to find the strength to hold it together. I am grateful Sean is safe, healthy, and has developed into such a mature, responsible, independent young man. I hope you are both doing well and I look forward to my daily visits to this site when I return home. Thanks for always listening and being so supportive!!
Hi Jenny,
I’m glad that you got to see your son…
Just let the tears flow, it’s better that way. You don’t need it held together at all times…
& If you need to let it out we’re here!
Regards,
Zeina
Jenny,
It’s true, isn’t it, that we hold ourselves together while we have to, for whatever reason, and then the tears come later. Glad you are letting yourself cry.
Such a mix of pride in your son, the loss of Sam and another separation from your son in your tears, isn’t there?
I’m holding you in my heart…
Hey!
Jenny I also loved this sentence “Our loved ones get to swim in that mighty ocean of strength and comfort everyday.” Sorry to hear about Sam’s son…did he die young? I’m sure now they’re reunited in heaven!
I still go to the Beach house whenever I need peace, we don’t have the house anymore but the surroundings remind me that I’m never alone. The beach is just a few steps away from the house….It’s weird but when I’m there I feel I’m waiting to hear my auntie calling me to come up home! Or to come out of the water…Wish I could visit the inside of the house sometime!
Your story about dipping into the water reminded me of a few funny stories that occured in the midst of grief! Where we’d be sad & suddenly something happens that switches the mood!
When the event first occured Mona’s kids were small so my other aunt explained to them that their mommy now exists in other forms like a flower or she could come & visit them as a butterfly… So once I was in the living room playing with them when suddenly Ghazi (4yrs) saw a butterfly trying to come inside through the screen door…So he screams “Open the door open the door this is mommy” he runs to the door & while he’s opening it his sister Mona jr. (2 years) jumps infront of hiim she says “BUTTERFLY…” & tries to step on it… So they started fighting if it was mommy or not, Mona junior was still trying to step on the butterfly and her brother was SLOWLY SPELLING IT OUT explaining to her that “THIS IS MOMMY!! WHAT’s wrong with uuu DONT STEP ON MOMMY…loolll…SOMEBODY TELL THAT CRAZY girl this is mommy”
The scene was so heartbreaking & so funny at the same time I remember my grandmother & I watching them confused what to do next…so finally I let the butterfly out again & ofcourse explained to the young one that we do not step on butterflies, turned out she was scared from it… the debate was over…
Hope u have a great trip & a great weekend!
Thank you guys again for ur encouragement. I’ve never been so excited to share my experience.
Zeina,
Your writing is beautiful!! I wondered where you had been for a couple of days, so I do not think you post too often!! Isn’t it wonderful how the beach makes us feel closer to our loved ones that have gone on before us. Sam’s son died 9 years ago and his ashes were spread in the ocean. Everytime we went to the beach, no matter the water temperature, Sam swam with Nate. My first trip to the beach after Sam passes away was in October. The water was much cooler than what I would desire for swimming, but I swam with Sam and Nate. I cried as I walked out into the waves and yelled at Sam, “I hope you are happy…here I am and I hate this cold water, I hate you are gone”…about that time a big wave hit me and pulled my bathing suit bottoms down! I laughed then, because Sam’s sense of humor was alive and well. I swam for a very long time and I never felt closer than that moment. God gave us the mightly ocean and it is only a tiny portion of his strength. Our loved ones get to swim in that mighty ocean of strength and comfort everyday.
Thank you for sharing your story. As always, you brighten my day and help me with memories that I never want to forget. I will be out of town for a few days and not sure if I will get to post, so until next week….enjoy your weekend. Thank you for sharing!!!
Jenny,
I love your line, “Our loved ones get to swim in that mighty ocean of strength and comfort everyday.” A great reminder!
The first year after Bill died, I walked the water’s edge often. The waves spoke to my many moods. Very theraputic.
Hey guys,
I’m posting an old note I wrote! It’s what I like to describe as the first ray of hope in my journey! Hope u guys like it & don’t mind if im posting too much! Just wanted to share with you!
The Beach House
.by Zeina Abi Ghosn on Thursday, April 23, 2009
The beach is where I imagine she’d be, with the sound of her footprints scrunching down onto a grassy surface. Her loud laughter could still be heard in the howling wind, as she roams the place where she once lived and adored.
The house with the wonderful beach view remains holding the laughter of the past, un-affected with the sudden silence her absence has left. As if everything she ever was, had been imprinted in that place.
Nothing had changed since I was last there. I was under the same skies we had watched together at sunset and the same sun rays we’d woken up to at the crack of dawn. The small pool in the sea which was named after her is still there even the new waves coming in and out knows of her existence.
It was the only place left un-caring of the fact that she was gone for good. The same full moon still came out as full as the times we sat on the balcony and told each other funny stories.
The warm, spring breeze hit my face gently as I just stood there staring at the sea. It was the closest I’ve ever felt to God, my inner soul and to Mona, since she had departed. The stand I had taken many times before over her grave seemed to have no affect on me. Not even the cold steel that encrypted her name on a grave was that close to her as I was that moment.
The answers to my ever lasting question came bouncing infront of my eyes. She’d been there all along; somewhere I’ve never looked, under the same blue skies and dark nights.
All it took was a drastic change to see that the world won’t bend to our sadness, no matter how intense it could come. Spring remains spring, and winter will be winter. The memories of our loved ones remain circling around us, if we want them or not, they remain there just waiting for the right time to be remembered as something beautiful.
Zeina,
This is so very beautiful! Thank you for sharing….and please post on my blog as often as you’d like. I welcome it!
Thank you Sandi!
I’m planning on posting more here…
I feel that I need to check this blog every morning it’s becoming addictive lol
Yess…I was only 16! I never attended Mona’s funeral then, my parents wanted me to go to school. But I was stubborn, I babysat my cousins instead that day. I was there everytime they asked for their mother…that’s why I refused to cry…my feelings got bottled up for 6 years!
I remembered something yesterday, that I used to shake alot at school after that incident. I thought it was from an allergy medicine I was taking(it caused those side effects) ..now I’m wondering if it could have been grief.
I’m 24 now, feels alot older…
Zeina,
I am sure 24 does feel older for you and with your life experiences you have gained so much wisdom. At age 52, I am gaining wisdom, strength and courage by reading your words about walking through this journey of grief. Thank you for your thoughts and also the reminder to keep my eyes open for signs!! I wrote over the weekend my thoughts about Valentine’s day. Your idea of a letter is a good one.
Happy Valentine’s day to you!!
Jenny,
I hope you hear those Valentine words from Sam, whispering in your heart tomorrow morning. My thoughts are with you.
Our lives run parallel: Yesterday was my husband’s birthday and tomorrow, Valentine’s Day falls for me too.
The difference though…I’m further down the road and it DOES get easier.
I love how you’re focusing on making it special for others.
Let me know how your day goes…
Sandi,
After I read your first article, Crossing the Finish Line, I felt the connection. A good friend sent me your article and I immediately began to google your name. To my relief, you had a website! When I read about Bill, I am reminded of Sam. Both where athletic and never let an injury or illness slow them down. Sadly cancer took their lives. Sam was 63 and I believe Bill was close to that age as well. I appreciate the words of encouragement that it does get easier, but I am sure it still is painful for you when a birthday or special day comes. I sometimes feel moments of complete peace and it seems really strange. I savor those moments because I know the next minute could be sad or one of many emotions.
My Valentine’s day was very nice. I received some kind words from special friends. I bought two huge chocolate brownies..one for me and one for a good friend that shares my love for chocolate. I just showed up at her door today with chocolate in hand…she was thrilled and it made me feel good. I felt Sam’s presence through out the day. The weather was pleasant, so I was able to run in shorts…yes…very nice change! Just as the day before and days to come, I miss Sam. I am grateful for another day and for the peaceful comfort God gives to me and the special angels he puts in my path.
Thinking of you and hope your day was especially sweet.
Jenny,
Cancer is nasty, isn’t it? Yes, Bill was only 64 so there are a lot of parallels between Sam & Bill.
Thank you for thinking of me…your comments made my day!
“Grief is thousands of feelings: horror, disbelief, overwhelming sadness, white hot rage, missing who you lost…and that’s only the first few minutes each day.” Melody Beattie
This quote from the home page is incredible and speaks to my heart each moment of the day. When I woke up sad this morning, I heard the words “grief is thousands of feelings…and that’s only the first few minutes…”!!! Hearing someone else say what I feel is comforting. Waking up with sadness, fear, anger, and disbelief is not an easy way to start the day. Even when the sun is out, your mind is cloudy. Yesterday marked 6 months since Sam passed away and tomorrow is the dreaded Valentine’s Day. I have always loved Valentine’s day and not for the flowers and chocolate, but the sweetness of the day. Sam’s first words to me on February 14th, “Happy Valentine’s day to my Valentine…I love you”. I will miss those words tomorrow morning as I do every morning. This is not a major milestone we have to travel through on this journey like the holidays, birthday, and anniversaries. Valentine’s Day will be another day, but I hope I can make it special for my sons, friends, and I will do something for myself in honor of Sam’s memory. He may not be here to tell me Happy Valentine’s day and he loves me, but I know this is true. Sam lives in my heart and that is the greatest Valentine gift I could ever receive.
Hi Sandi & Jenny,
I was touched to read what u both wrote for Valentine’s day & for Sandi’s husband birthday!
I wanted you both to remember something about love you probably already know it!
Love never dies, & once you’ve been touched by love in your lives.
The fact that your loved ones were TRULY there for you, and you loved them deeply through everything could never delete the tiniest spec of love u had for them also the love they had for u will always live on…through ur troubles…through ur happiness…through ur tears…
Right now I’ve never been more sure that you will get certain signs that your loved ones are out there thinking of you on Valentine’s day… You just have to keep your eyes open for it!
It would be a wonderful idea to write them letters on this day…
Thank you, Zeina, and what a great reminder!
Sandi and Zeina,
Thank you for your thoughts and for being here for me. Sadly but true, many others will travel this journey as well. Hopefully traveling this journey will give me the wisdom to help others, just as you are both doing for me. With all my heart, I thank you both.
Zeina, you suffered a great loss at such a young age and the wisdom you share is admirable. Thank you for always being here for me…means so much to me.
Jenny,
It’s wisdom learned the hard way, isn’t it? 😦
I’m grateful you’re finding help on this blog. Thank you for allowing me to travel your journey with you.
Zeina and Sandi,
I find music to be healing as well. Music can make me cry or boost my spirit. I have a praise song that I listen to when I can’t speak to God because I am so weary. I just play the song and silently pray that God will read my heart and lift me up.
I love what you said about birds Zeina. I have watched birds and listened to them sing since Sam died. So strange, I never did that before! I sit in front of a huge window at work and daily I watch the birds. I am going to buy a bird book so I can identify these birds. When Sam first passed away, I would see butterflies everywhere and now I see and hear the beautiful birds. When I am driving, I will look up to see a bird of prey soaring the sky. I call these signs of nature, Sam sightings. They are constant reminders that Sam is with me, closer than I think and he is watching over me. I find comfort in nature and the gifts God has blessed me with in this beautiful place.
The past couple of weeks have been really a struggle for me. I read this site daily although I do not always post…I am still here. I find comfort knowing my grief friends are here and your notes are so comforting. I get really scared somedays of going through the rest of my life without Sam, but I am not on this journey alone. God has brought so many wonderful people in my life. I think about both of you and find strength. Isn’t it really wonderful, we have never met face to face, but have developed a friendship through grief. For this “online” relationship, I am grateful!
Thank you, Jenny.
Praying for you through these weeks of your struggle….
You’re not alone.
Sandi
I just saw ur question above about whether it felt more comfortable after the anniversary passed. There was this certain heaviness that cleared since last week, but to me this whole month used to be jinxed because of the things that came after the loss. Eight years ago(I was sixteen) we didn’t seem to have one moment of clarity to swallow what happened. Mona’s children being dis-oriented, her son was in big shock, the small one was constantly asking about her mother.
Maturity changes everything. My tolerance level is higher than few years ago.
Things are much better now, simply by understanding why we had to go through all of this, & all the things I learned from being in the middle of it…
Jenny,
It is nice that I found this site & I’m glad that you’re expressing in the difficult time ur passing through.
That’s the toughest thing anyone has to do.
Believe me ur never alone, many people are going to pass through ur journey.
& You have this blog here. I’m always checking if u need anything!
Best Regards to both of you!
Zeina,
Only 16? You were young for such a huge loss! It does seem like after a loss, things go crazy and we really can’t see straight until the “dust settles”.
I admire your understanding and attitude through all of this.
I found this quote today
~ Instead of weeping when a tragedy occurs in a songbird’s life, it sings away its grief. I believe we could well follow the pattern of our feathered friends. ~
I loved it for a number of reasons, first if I hadn’t experienced grief I wouldn’t know how amazing birds are…(I have 9 myself)
Canaries are great companions for a lonely heart!!
Zeina,
I understand this. I found listening to and singing praise songs to be very healing.
Zeina,
“But, it wasn’t till the day she decided to open the doors of reality that the bomb exploded as ink on a paper and the pain subsided coming out as words finding their way to other people’s hearts.”
Your writing is serving a purpose – healing for you and for others. I was deeply touched by your writing. I want to read more and know more about your loss, pain, and how your survive. You have touched me and your writing will touch many others. Thank you for shariing this beautiful story. Keep writing and one day you will fulfill your dream to write a book…never let go of that dream!!
Thank you Jenny!
I’ll definetely think about what you said, when I feel like burning my writings!
Or when I feel they make no sense at all!
How are you doing?
Zeina,
We all feel like burning our writings or feel they make no sense at times. Keep at the writing! 🙂
Sandi & Jenny,
I wanted to share the first note I wrote. 5 years after my aunt passed away, u can sense that till then I hadn’t even considered grieving!
I could never think of a title for it!
————————————————————————–
….
She measured every step of the way as she walked inside the familiar house; it seemed more like an abandoned castle. The cold air hit her face, as she took her first step inside the living room. She had been used to certain warmth in that exact room, which at that moment it seemed to lack.
The corners which were once filled with laughter’s were hit by a sudden silence that told her they will be only a memory from then on. Everything was different to the extent that she didn’t notice the people in black. The same people who had been there before for a happier event. They didn’t notice how puffy her eyes were they just stared at the only girl in white as if she had just committed a crime for her choice of clothing. Little did they know that the white she wore reflected a totally different reality which was of the darkness she felt inside.
All the glares went unnoticed by the girl as her sorrowful eyes searched around the room, everyone she knew was there, except the one her heart was looking for and spent nights wondering where that person had gone. She wanted to cry, but the sight of everyone moaning kept her back, she wanted to scream in the empty room but something told her there will be no answer from the person she wanted. She kept walking through the room her eyes scanning objects instead of people scared if her eyes caught someone else’s her tears would roll down and she had no strength to stop them if they ever did.
She wanted to be strong, but what she never noticed that crying was her strength and only way out of what she was feeling. The solution was right under her nose, but she never took that path still thinking strength and bravery was what she felt. She thought it was the way everyone looked at her that kept her back, but the truth was it was her fear of admitting the loss and feeling that agonizing pain. Even though she was as close as she could be to the people to her it was like being under water, and all she could hear were unclear sounds and crying coming from the upper world.
She had never known such stillness, and never encountered such sorrow, it was as if time decided to stop in one depressive second and wouldn’t move on. Her mind was as empty as her stare, and she felt numb like her heart was protecting her from a bomb that could tick off any moment triggering pain. It was only a matter of time for that bomb to explode “tick, tock…”
She knew this time that her wound was something she couldn’t heal, something that words couldn’t fix and weeping wouldn’t bring back.
But, it wasn’t till the day she decided to open the doors of reality that the bomb exploded as ink on a paper and the pain subsided coming out as words finding their way to other people’s hearts. Everything she had encountered, every emotion all the sorrow and grief seemed to have a purpose. She thought strength was in not showing how she felt; turned out that her strength was in her words describing the pain she had been through.
She was releasing and letting go, of what haunted her once and kept her away from accepting the sorrow, the result of all this was for the first time in six years her eyes were finally able to rest and sleep.
sorry this was 6 years after my aunt passed
Zeina,
You write beautifully!
thanks Sandi!
That’s very nice coming from u!
Sandi and Zeina,
My grey, gloomy, sad week ended on a brighter note. I found my way out of the dark side. For me healing is to allow myself to cry, be sad, vent my anger to God, and at times just sit and do absolutely nothing – not even think…just be. I am learning that grief is a journey and there are many times when I will feel like I can’t take anymore, but I will not allow it to break me. I cried out to God for help and in his grace, he put people in my path. God is good and I must learn to trust his heart when I am struggling to trust everything else. My grey week was blessed with a glimmer of hope. I talked to a lady that I have known for many years and always admired for her strength – especially after her husband died – 3 1/2 years ago. I have not had the opportunity to talk to her since Sam passed away and tonight I was given that chance. I told her all about Sam. She was so comforting and supportive. I told her that I have always admired her strength and especially after her husband passed away. She said it is a mask and we all wear them…she still cries and grieves her loss. I was encouraged and comforted to meet another grief friend. She hugged me and said, “we can do this, one step at a time.” God knew I needed encouragement and another friend this week, so he sent a beacon to help guide me safely back from the dark side…it nice to be back. I know these dark days will come, but so will the sun.
I have thought about both of you and am grateful you are here…that you are also my grief partners… thank goodness we have each other.
Jenny,
I agree with what that lady said! “One step at a time…”
It’s very important to discuss this with people who would understand what you’re going through & not judge the phases .. I learned that the hard way!
Have coffees with her more often, it will feel good to talk to someone with experience face to face…
I’m glad to read that you believe the sun will come out! That’s a great beginning on your path!!
What used to help me, is writing some hopeful quotes in my writing copybook. They made me change my point of view, when I was in despair!
Keep writing to us…:D
Zeina
Jenny,
I’m glad you shared with this woman and found more support! What a blessing. She is a gift for you in your sorrow. I had a friend like that too, and she has since died, but I will never forget her comfort.
I wish I had been like you at 6 months after Bill’s death and just let myself heal. Instead I got very busy….
Thank you Jenny & Sandi! I’m happy to share this with people who understand, and so glad that what I wrote is able to help you.
The loss feels so different once you understand it and go through it fully. I’m happy I can see a bright side to it!
My dream someday is to publish a book with all my writing! Dedicating it to our lost loved ones!!
Zeina,
I’d also love to hear more about your dream of writing a book…
My teacher suggested when I first began to think about what I’d like to do with my writings…I didn’t think of them much at the time.
Now I’m beginning to consider the possibility!…
But have no idea where to begin!
I’ll post the first note I wrote when I began…
Zeina,
You’re in my thoughts and prayers on this anniversary day.
Zeina,
Wondering how you’re feeling after the anniversary day…
I have always felt some relief after Bill’s, like I’m grateful its over again. You had a better day, this year didn’t you?
Zeina,
You have written something so beautiful in honor of Mona. From your pain and sorrow, you have found strength to share the loss of your love one. By sharing your loss you are helping others and for that I am grateful. I believe one day I will also find the strength to remember my loss of Sam as a reminder of how lucky I was to have loved and been loved. In honor of Mona, you opened yourself up to a website and in doing so you have helped me. I pray that you find peace today and your memories will bring you smiles and comfort on this anniversary day. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I can never begin to describe what I’m feeling these days…
My anxiety came back, but I was able to write through it & here’s what came out!
———————————————————
♥♥August 15, 1963 —-February 2, 2003♥♥
Eight years ago I never thought I’d be in this position, writing to remember a person so close who once was here for us to comfort us when we cried over our lost ones. A person who never failed to make us laugh, at times where we never expected it…
A person who wore a clown costume on my 6th birthday, but didn’t realize she never had to because she was a clown in real life!!
I cannot begin to count the tiny details and the times Mona made me laugh. There was that one time where she bit a black ciggarete thinking it was chocolate, she had taken a bite before we got the chance to tell her it was real & other times where’d she’d helps us set traps for our parents by putting a slipper on top of the door and calling someone in, when they’d open the door the slipper would fall infront of them & they’d scream, the reactions on their faces made us laugh the whole night through.
I remember Mona packing her tiny red car with over 10 kids to take them back to their homes after dance rehearsals, the picture of the overpacked car still gets to me.
There’s no doubt that every person whose lives were touched by Mona would recall something special that she probably did for them, or a story where she made them laugh.
Mona was never fond of goodbye’s even when she was in lebanon for a visit and had to travel back to australia, she’d promise to pass by on her way to the airport to say goodbye….& she never did!
That’s how she left eight years back never wanting to burden anyone with goodbyes …
I now realize a fact I would never have learned in a million years, when you have a bond with someone so special who believes in you and understands you for who you really are…
A person who filled your life with happiness and memories, ever since you could remember.
It can never go away, it’s something time could never erase, and the love associated with that loss would never let you forget.
So on this once jinxed day, which I’ve cursed for eight years in a row, I’ve decided to do things differently. I’m marking it as a day to remember every person who was once there and departed. They are the ones who hold a lesson for us somewhere along the line. Whether we admit it or not, we hold pieces of what they taught us, and use it in our lifes.
Mona, when you were first gone each day without you, was a challenge. Now each anniversary without you is a boost of strength ,and a reminder of how lucky I’ve been to have spent quality time with you.
The echo’s of your laughter will always be much stronger than the silence of loss.
I will always love you!
Zeina,
This is beautiful and to be able to write through anxiety is amazing! I love how you turned this day around this year.
And I would love to hear more about your anxiety if you’d like to share…
Sandi,
Can you believe that I lost a friend because of the way I see life? Now I know she was fake…
Once she told me in my face that she didn’t like the way I turned situations around…aaah I should have hit her on the head for that!
I was becoming anxious about silly things, how I would be able to do things like finish my work on time… I really wanted to discuss it with an older friend whom I always turn to, but I was also anxious what she would say…
Last Saturday I had Mona junior with me, & even though I always take her out places this time I was afraid, how to get to Burger King. I was scared if it rains and the car slips & whatever…So I asked a friend to meet me there. It turned out great…it was fun!
I think I’ve felt ths anxiety ever anniversary but never shed some light on it…
My cousin was literally telling me to cool it, when I asked her 20 times if she was cold at night lool
All this was before the anniversary, and now since I wrote it out I’ve been able to focus better.
& Exercising!
Sandi,
I appreciate your comments and understanding. It does hurt and the past few days have been grey. It is comforting to know I am not alone in this journey. I often refer back to your comments about falling into the outstretched arms of God. I repeat those words to myself over and over when the grey days start to get darker. God is with me and he will never leave me….he knows my pain. One moment at a time and one foot in front of the other. Thank you for your comments and for this website…which has been a beacon on many grey days.
Zeina,
Thank you for your comments and videos..so thoughtful and so welcomed.
Jenny,
Thinking of you & hoping the grey is lessening in your days…
Sandi & Jenny,
I just wanted to share this song with you guys!
I know it would mean alot to you both since you lost
ur other halfs
I really love it! Also try getting the movie “If Only”…
Zeina,
Thank you….I do feel exhausted after the tears and most times I sleep better. I have found my grief friends here at GriefWalk. Here I found I am accepted no matter what I am feeling and no time limit has been put on me. Yes, my writing is healing. I am so grateful for your response and understanding. I have a long journey ahead and I am grateful for those who choose to travel with me…I need you all. Thank you!
Jenny,
I know grief takes alot of our energy, till you think there’s none left.
There’s always some left, and u don’t realize it till another grief trigger occurs ….
I pray you do find your way through all this, and I’m here if you ever need someone to listen/read what you’re going through!
Things do get better! Just after a certain process…
Regards,
Zeina
Living with grief is so unpredicatable. I am trying to live one day at a time. I am learning to knit. I am opening the closet to all the hobbies I put away years ago. I can feel a sense of joy trying to find its way into my grief filled world, but then all at once the pain comes rushing back as strong as ever. I miss Sam so much and grief is overwhelming. All I know to do is pray for peace and more strength. How do you handle the tears that do not stop, the pain that rips your insides apart and learn to live without the love of your life?
Yes it’s true living with grief is unpredictable!
Mainly, because you’re ok for a while, and then u remember something, u feel ur whole world is crashing back down!
That’s grief, it comes in waves, it may seem to you that everytime u crash ur still where u are…But its not true!
Ur actually moving forward.
As long as u feel everything fully. You’ll be able to cope with it better later on.
Writing has done wonders for me …
The pain becomes your friend it transforms you into another person & writing what u feel in details helps u find that other person ur becoming!
Also finding people who understand what you’re going through without judging when u should be done with your grief, eases the pain.
As for the tears, I feel relieved after crying so I’d just let them be!
hope this was helpful!
Zeina
Jenny,
My heart goes out to you in your sorrow. I agree with Zeina’s response. Let the tears flow…
I remember having pain too, that ripped my insides apart. When I couldn’t handle it, I’d shut down for awhile and feel nothing. I think our body knows how much pain we can take at one time & has ways of protecting us. When I felt stronger, I would look at photos of my husband to open myself up to my grief again. I knew it wasn’t good to stay shut down and I sure wanted to get through it to the other side!
I’m not sure how I learned to live without Bill. One day at a time, I guess. And in that I learned he is always with me…even as Sam will always be with you in your heart and memories. But right now it hurts, doesn’t it.
Zeina,
Another beautiful video in honor of your aunt. I am so glad her children have you in their life. Nothing can ever replace the loss of a mother, but God has given them a special angel to watch over them.
Thank you for you sharing and your encouragement and support to me.
Sandi,
I think you should post the quote. I love all the ones you have already. I am one to write quotes down and post on my refrigerator. My refrigerator is a like a bulletin board. Glad you like the quote.
ok! Here’s my next video not as clear as the other one…
I made this for Mona’s kids, but lost the original…Thankfully I uploaded to youtube!
The kids were smaller here Ghazi was 8 & Mona was 6
Now they’re 12 & 10!
Here’s the translation of the song!!
Majida el Roumi – Sing for Me
Sing for the people, for love
Sing for me, sing
Sing for a heartbeat
Sing for me, sing
Sing for a companion on the road of life
Sing for me, sing
Sing for me, sing sing sing!
Sing for a yearning heart waiting in torment
Sing for a dream that has yet to be written on paper
Sing for September and the separation
Sing for me, sing, sing for me!
Sing for my unrequited love (Literally, “sing for the mind preoccupied with love that is not on the mind of the one he or she loves” and she’s referring to herself not being loved back by the addressee of the song)
Sing for the eyes that speak words that have never been said
Sing the answer to the question that always remains
Sing for me, sing, sing for me!
(Where the young girl is looking @ her mum’s picture)
The words are running out and my heart is hurting
The smiles are drowning in a sea of tears
Zeina,
Another beautiful video! Thank you for sharing.
I found this quote today wanted to share. It is beautiful and says what Sam always said about me. I am very emotional and tears come so easily to me. Sam used to say, let your tears come because they say more than words. I hope this quote will speak to someone else in grief and let them know that tears are a gift and should be treasured.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”
Washington Irving
It’s really beautiful & so truel! Really made me tear up, I’ve already been crying this week memories just coming back not caring whose with me…
Thanks for the quote!
Zeina,
Your tears make perfect sense. Particularly since you are almost at the anniversary of your aunt’s death. I’ll be thinking of you and, if you’d like to share, I would love to hear some of the memories you’re experiencing.
Jenny,
This quote is beautiful! Thank you. I’d like to post it on my blog’s Homepage Sidebar, if you don’t mind.
Zeina,
I watched your video again tonight and read the comments you posted on youtube. It is wonderful how you have kept your aunt’s memory so fresh for her children and your family. I am so glad you shared your story and video. I find comfort in watching the video and listening to the music. You and your family will be in my prayers. Thank you for continuing to encourage me and walking this journey together.
Sandi,
Your blog has reached out to so many and for that I am grateful.
In my darkest moments I will continue to write and also be grateful for finding so many to walk this journey with me.
Jenny,
I have another video which I’ll post later,the song there is in arabic….but ill translate it for u guys here!
I find it weird that memories become more fresh as time passes by. I guess when the pain nudges a little they come back…
I’m also crying , because finally I’m grateful to have had her in my life and not overthinking about her death. Which I had never done in the past eight years.
What I went through & what you’re going through isn’t something that you can measure with time…
I’m so glad you’re still writing….Be patient also!
Sandi,
I can’t remember where I read that you were scared of forgetting your husband.
I think you never do forget people who you’ve shared your life with and had so much love for! You’ll always remember him even if it doesn’t seem like you do in your daily life…
He’s still there somewhere in your thoughts & your heart!
So shake that thought away! What you did here in this site is for him so you’ll never forget him.
I think you all deserve ribbons of bravery for living through this!
Thanks for everything!
Zeina,
You’re right. This blog site is a way of honoring my husband and not forgetting him. What a great insite! Thank you. The further we get down the road, the more we remember the fun things and gratitude for our loved one having been in our life. Like you do with your aunt. I’m looking forward to seeing your next video.
Jenny,
Thank you.
I’m so glad you’re continuing to write!
Hi Sandi & Jenny,
Mona was a real clown without the costume. She always made me laugh when I was in pain or sad, she had a way of twisting a situation around. When I was six I was hospitalized for a stomach ache…she climbed the tree after visiting hours to see me LOL…
& the next day, I was whining about how bored I was, she got a huge doll we put it in my bed & we were making a run for it to the corridor! Sadly, we got caught.
At the moment, I just feel so lucky to have had her there! & for the first time in eight years I can actually cry, when I recall something funny she did! Tears of happiness!
The song I chose was the one we used to sing in the car together she taught me how to do ‘OOOOOO’ in my mouth. It’s in the video.
That ammount of love could never die! So, I’m passing it on to her daughter, that’s a healing itself!!
Keep writing! Even in your darkest moments keep your pen moving!!
Zeina,
The memorial to your aunt is beautiful. The love and joy she brought to your family is seen through out the video. As soon as I heard the music, the tears began to flow. Your writing and video are a beautiful tribute to your aunt and the love for her you will hold in your heart forever. I appreciate you sharing your memorial with me. Thank you – I was deeply touched by your writing and video to honor someone you love so deeply.
Hey Everyone,
I like this blog so much I wanted to share this video I made for my aunt for the eightth year memorial!(february 2nd)
If you see a crazy six year old with a clown that’s me & her..
Here’s what I wrote also!
Filling the gap with laughter
I want to take that smile of yours
& plant it in my heart.
Keep it always with me so it & I are never appart.
I want to plant it in the place of fear.
Re-inforce it with laughter.
I want to take that smile of yours and hold on to its memory.
Plant it when tears seem to dominate
Place it to light my darkest nights.
I want to take that smile of yours and pass it on to your kids.
Light it up with a candle till I hear the angels sing.
Looking back, without your laughter and pranks my childhood would have been empty,
& my fears would have
devestated me.
You gave me the most precious gift probably the hardest to acquire.
Laughing at the most difficult times & to keep smiling through EVERYTHING!!
Thank you for everything GodMother
I’ll Always Love You!
Zeina,
What a wonderful, wonderful memorial tribute to your aunt!! It’s just beautiful and I can see how she was & is so very much loved.
Thank you so much for posting it here.
Zeina,
Your advice is so true…be patient with myself and do not listen to others. We grieve differently and in our own time. I have heard some say that the one year anniversary is their time table for grief, not me…that will just another sad day that reminds me of the day grief appeared. I will listen to my heart. As long as I am functioning well with my children, my job and taking care of myself…I feel I am doing well. Grief is a part of me now and I am learning to live with my loss and sadness…will take a long time. Thank you for your comments! I hope you are doing well.
Jenny!
What I truly love about grief is the acceptance which comes later…you begin to know yourself, you come to a time ur so close to your soul that no one can put u down or anger u by whatever they say!
1st 2nd etc. …Anniversaries don’t count for anything unless you’re grieving properly, so don’t put urself down if you don’t feel ok by the first anniversary… Time doesn’t heal wounds.. we do!!
These are ur memories…ur loss! So cherish them & grief over them your way!
I’ll keep checking here if u need anything!
Zeina
Sandi,
It is so nice to share our stories and our pain. I appreciate your reponses and I love reading what others are going through as well. Grief does not feel so lonely with this site available to me 24/7. It is great. I am thankful that the time ahead of me will be spent with some new friends that have shared their grief.
I will “still” be here for quite some time!
Jenny,
Yes, I used to hear, “It’s time to move on now.” at lot in the first year after Bill died. It angered me too. Grief does take time…
Something was said to me today that sparked a thought. I was at the doctor’s for a sinus infection and she knows of my grief over Sam’s passing away. My doctor has seen me three times since Sam passed away, once for a check up, bronchitis and now sinus infection…isn’t it unbelievable how grief can wreck our immune system as well!
The doctor ask me how was I doing with my loss and when my eyes filled with tears she said, “Still?” I was actually sorta angered by her response and at the same time defensive of my emotions. I thought perhaps she has never experienced grief or was not expecting me to cry. I do believe I will cry for a long time over my loss of Sam and I do not expect 5 months to be enough time to stop crying. From all I have read, grief takes time and there is no time table for grief. Do you find this true in your experience?
I really hate this sentence “It’s time to move on now.”
That sentence was a true fork in my road for few years, till I decided to grieve properly.
You know every person decides on their own pace when it’s time to move on!
We’re all unique! We have different memories of our loved ones so we process them at our own pace!
My advice is to be patient with yourself! & don’t listen to anyone!
Jenny,
Sickness makes every thing seem darker doesn’t it?
I’m grateful you found comfort in my words.
When my mother-in-law was dying 4 years ago, she was in her 90’s and getting very forgetful. She was worried that she would forget Jesus and was reminded that even if she did, He would never forget her. I saw relief and joy on her face when she was told that. Your words today, reminded me again of this. Thank you.
We help eachother, don’t we?
Sandi,
Has been a tough few days. I was sick all weekend and that set me back in my grief. Not feeling well phyically really allows sadness and loneliness to take over your mind. By Tuesday night, I had reached my “melting point”..the tears that would not stop, everything was dark and I started questioning where was God and why can’t he help me? I felt all alone and I was overwhelmed with sadness. I put my head on the pillow that night and remembered reading in one of your post about resting in the arms of God. I found your post, A Legacy of Love in Loss, you wrote…”Finally, as Bill had done before me, I hobbled on useless knees and fell headlong into the outstretched hands of God”.
I am starting to see some light at the end of a long dark tunnel tonight. I wanted you to know how comforting it was to know that I am not the only one that has suffered so much sadness and grief. Your message reminded me that God never leaves me, I just get lost from time to time. The journey of grief is not easy and will take a long time, but fortunately you have shared your story with so many of us. A journey traveled with someone that knows the route is so much easier than going it alone.
Thank you.
Jenny,
Thinking of you. So glad you have hope…
Sandi,
Thank you so much for reminding me of your previous post. “On Missing the Missing”…that touched me so much. You still see, hear and feel Bill…that is wonderful after all the years if just for a moment, that is all I need. The comments by Fred brought me to tears…when Jesus said there is someone here who has been looking forward to seeing you again. You are so right, there is the hope! I do sometimes find comfort in knowing one day I will see Sam again. I did not see Sam everyday since our relationship was long distance, so for me to spend eternity with him is something I can hold on to in the worse of times.
You reminded me in your post of “Is This Going to Get Better?” that I am still grieving in my own time and I have a long journey ahead of me, but I will never forget Sam. Thank you for the reminders and encouragement. I will keep reading over and over…for I need the constant reinforcement and comfort of your words. Thank you.
Jenny,
Yes, I don’t cry a lot anymore because the pain is much, much less. Things do get better, but it doesn’t seem so in the moment.
You write about your fear of forgetting what Sam looks like, etc. I wrote about this in 2 previous posts:
Is This Going To Get Better? (http://wp.me/pz1Df-2T) and
On Missing The Missing. (http://wp.me/pz1Df-1e).
Take care Jenny, you’re in my thoughts and prayers…
Sandi,
Thank you for your response. I have so many questions and they pop up at different times, so that is what makes blogging so wonderful!! You said you don’t cry so much anymore. Is that because the pain becomes more bearable? As time moves on, do you forget what your husband looked like or the smells? I am so afraid of forgetting. I write down memories even if it is a phrase Sam would say, I am afraid I will forget and I do not want to forget! I am guilty of getting ahead of my worry, I remind myself of one foot in front of the other. You are so right, the crying is very cleansing and helps me sleep better as well. I tried holding the tears back one day on my way home from work…so I could say I got home without crying…well it did not work so well for me. The dam broke when I entered my house. I have learned not to control the tears unless I am at work, but I have an escape plan for the ladies room.
Thank you Jenny, I appreciate you and your kind comments about my blog.
My husband always ran in the hottest part of the day too and he thrived on it! He had all our kids running and training too. They didn’t always like it at the time, but still run periodically to this day.
It took me months and months to accept that Bill was gone. It’s like the mind knows it, but the emotions can’t fathom it, isn’t it?
Keep crying over Sam…it was a great loss for you. Crying is very cleansing and I always felt better afterwards. I don’t cry so much anymore and I kind of miss it…
Sandi,
My dad was a runner before his knees and hips got so bad. He would run in the hottest part of the day and always told my sisters and I to run up the hill and walk down! My dad is still living and he is one of the toughest people I know. I would like to think my strength comes from him. Your husband sounds like he was the same way. Sam was also a very tough man, fought cancer twice and for him to pass away is still hard for me to accept. I miss him so much and someday can not stop crying. Everyday is a uphill climb and I tell myself it is like running…no walking up hill only on the downslope. Hard to do. Many days, I read your site and feel better knowing I am not alone in grief. You are an inspiration with the responses that you give each of us as individuals. Thank you.
Thank YOU, Jenny. I’m glad you chose to take your journey with me.
Some days, expecially on anniversaries, it’s really hard to focus on the funny things our loved one said or did. My husband used to run even when he had a sports injury. He would always say, “I’ll either get better, stay the same, or get worse.” The kids and I would just shake our heads. It’s funny now, but on important dates, it feels sad. I’d love to be able to hear him say it again…
I made it through the 5 month anniversary of Sam passing away. I am not sure why those markers are any sadder than any other day, but I guess they are dates we will never forget. I ran 5 miles for the 5 months and allowed my thoughts to be focused on Sam. I tried to let the funny things he did or said to me be my focus, but that was not the case. It was so cold out last night when I ran, so had to really motivate myself to run my goal for Sam. I check this site often although I do not always post, just reading the posting are comforting. I do not feel so alone in my grief as I did 5 months ago, so that is progress. I know the journey is long, but thankfully I have acquired some traveling buddies. I also have visited the other sites that you recommend Sandi…so helpful as well. Thank you again for your comments and for taking the journey with all of us.
sandielzinga,
I read your article! I am speechless!
I also like your display picture you both look like one person!! That’s a bond that even death can’t break!
Zeina,
There is also a more expanded version of my story beneath the first article on My Articles page. (Crossing The Finish Line.) But that one you have to click on to read.
What a wonderful thing for you to notice in my profile picture. Thank you!
Jenny,
Your comments about getting words to write while running, reminded me of when I was working on Bill’s memoir after he died. I would go out for a walk and the words would be there and I would have to say them over and over til I got home so I wouldn’t forget them before I had a chance to write them down. I used to think about taking a small notebook and pen with me, but I never did.
I absolutely love your Blazing New Trails, New Year’s running story! Very touching and encouraging! What a beautiful attitude you have in making friends with your grief.
Bill used to run races while I did the walking races. He took first place in his age category, in one of the last races he ran before he got sick. He used his prize money to buy me a new pair of walking shoes. I will never forget that. I still wear them 9 years later, doing aerobics inside.
Zeina and Sandi,
I have not been on the site in a while and so glad I looked today. I am so glad to read about your writing. I have actually been doing the same thing! I call them stories and I share with a few close friends. I find my writing to be so helpful. Sometimes while I am running, my thoughts take the form of a story or essay and when I get home I am so anxious to put words to paper. It is so helpful. Some days I can only write my feelings on paper and those days it is a list of words like: sad, lonely, lost, angry, want to cry forever…etc… Even that is helpful. I write a lot about running and my partner, Grief. I feel like it is a friendship and I journal about her such as what I wrote on New Year’s Day.(see Blazing New Trails at http://wp.me/pz1Df-9M) Thank you Sandi for the opportunity to share our grief, stories and your wonderful kind words of encouragement…this site has been a blessing to me in the past few months.
Hi Jenny,
That’s great about your excitement for writing…I can’t add anything except for Keep it up!!
I had the same case scenario sometimes I couldn’t write anything even the emotions never seemed to come out & other times they’d just flow!
Keep writing!
Zeina
Hi sandielzinga
As I mentioned earlier the death of a far relative reminded me of my godmother’s death which was five years before. I called to talk to my grandmother after the funeral and NO words would come out….I remember thinking I was the person who made everyone feel better & there I was speechless….
I quickly closed the line, & they called me back AGAIN I couldn’t talk every feeling I ignored when my aunt died came back so intense & painful. IT was literally as if my aunt had died all over again.,all I could say was “Sorry can’t talk”…. It didn’t end here…. I began crying after that phone call, (& couldn’t get myself to stop crying & shaking) then I got sick stayed in bed for a week or two..
That feeling of missing her soo bad came back, with the anger & then the intense pain. I remember never feeling that lonely in my whole life.
A friend had come to visit both times I was sick & found it odd how much i’ve been staying in bed, after I opened up & told her what happened…She told me to write, and stick to it…That’s what happened, it wasn’t the easiest decision I ever made, but It was the best.
Then I showed my writing to a university teacher , she told me that I really needed to remember my aunt
and she really encouraged me to continue through the most intense emotions…We called the writings ” My experiments”
The writings resulted in a whole copy book of writings and some memories. I find it really beautiful when I look through it now!
I found out from the whole thing that writing is the ultimate healing tool. I might have wrote things that I didn’t accept right away, but the freedom that came with writing helped me understand what I was feeling.
I’m very happy I found this site!
I wrote too much lol
Hope to read about other people’s experiences!
Thanks
Zeina
Zeina,
I love what writing has done for you!! Thank you for sharing your story. I have seen things too when writing, that I wouldn’t have realized otherwise. Good therapy!
Writing is the best decision I’ve ever taken in my life! I know I would never regret it ever!
Hope it has done some great things with you too! Would like to read about your experience…
Zeina,You can read about my experience in the My Articles section of this blog.
Sandi
Christmas letter to my angel
Missing you…is inevitable I talk to you every time one of the kids does something funny, or when they make mistakes I just stop and think what would you have done. How would you have fixed it…? I laugh every time one of them tumbles upon your make up, perfume or even a picture and they absolutely guard it with their life, or the time when they were younger, they’d point up to the sky and say that’s where you’re watching them from.
I know talking to you like that is just an outlet for my feelings, a fact I’ve had to come in terms with, that I can talk to you as much as I want, but there’s never an evident answer in words. You’ll send an angel on earth with an answer, to open my eyes at something very close.
On my way to the kids’ school for their Christmas parties, a panic attack rushes over me about what’s going to happen next, if they’ll be thinking” I wish mum was there”. I remember how much you cheered for me, and my heart automatically asks you to be there with us.
The kids are growing up so fast, and keeping up with them is a challenge itself, a reason to enjoy this life even without you. I realize very soon they’ll be asking about you, and I won’t miss a memory a detail or a laugh you gave us through the years. We’ll always share and make new memories, find reasons to laugh even at the worst times, because that’s what the meaning of your life has taught us over the years.
Thanks to you, I always know everything is going to be alright. We’ve been through worse, and this much has stayed. I know we’ll always miss you for years to come.
Merry Christmas my godmother & angel. Your love will live on forever.
What a wonderful tribute this Christmas letter is to your loved one!
Lonliness is a big one, isn’t it? It does get better over time, but meanwhile…it is TOUGH!
For those of you further along in your grief, do you have any suggestions on coping with lonliness for Jenny? What helps you?
For those of you still in the midst of your grief, what is it like for you?
Loneliness is becoming more and more real to me in my grief. I have never felt so alone. I can be in a crowded place and realize I am alone. I know God never leaves or forsakes us and he is forever with me, but grief has definitely left me feeling totally alone. I wonder if the loneliness will become more bearable in time. After 4 months, I feel more and more alone.
I lost my aunt 8 years ago, in an accident, because she had kids I never allowed myself to think about it or grief for one minute….until five years a FAR relative passed away & everything I never experienced with my aunt came back & I literally fell apart!
That’s when I began writing and promised myself never to stop no matter how hard it gets!
My quest with grief taught me that Loneliness is not always a bad thing. I took advantage of it & began writing…
With writing came forgiveness & freedom. Memories I was never capable of processing without breaking apart. I suggest you try writing or anything that encourages you to express yourself the most important thing is to stick to it no matter how much it gets tough!!
Hope this helps!!
IF you need anything write back!
I’ll be glad to try & help!
Zeina,
Writing is great grief therapy! Thank you for suggesting it.
I too, crashed when I let myself get too busy after my husband died. If you would like to, I’d love to hear more about what it was like when you “fell apart.”
Sandi
Jenny,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my spouse just about 18 months ago and I can say that loneliness is a big part of grieving. For me My wife and I shared a deep close relationship (she was my best friend) and that losing that closeness as well as the isolation that I felt grief put me in (its hard for many to relate to how devastating losing a spouse can be) that I definitely felt the pain of loneliness.
While in some ways it gets better in other ways it can be a companion for a while. What I encourage you do to for now though is to lean into the feelings and let yourself grieve. My deepest pain did not start for me for about 2 months as I was in deep shock. The next 4 months for me were the hardest as I dealt with a lot of the losses and the deep emotions that went with each loss.
A group of friends or a good grief class (I really enjoyed griefshare groups (www.giriefshare.com to find a local class) can be very helpful. I also found that facebook helped me to connect with many who were there to encourage me and let me know I was not alone.
The loneliness and the pain does get better if you are willing to face it and grieve the losses and eventually let go. For me it felt like I buried my spouse a thousand times, but the six month and 1 year points I found I was healing as I was dealing with the loss and not running from it. Talking about the loss was an important healing step for me. I can tell you that when you face the pain and give yourself a chance to grieve that healing will come.
The Lord does promise to be with us as we walk this journey but having help from other friends who are grieving or who have grieved will also help. You need that social interaction and closeness that was lost to somewhat help stem the feeling of alone-ness. For me that period of deep grief is when I felt I was “lost at sea” so to speak far away from the shore and from everyone else. As healing continued and grieving was running its course that feeling definitely began to lessen.
Now as time passes I dont feel the same loneliness but I do still feel isolated. Its difficult with two kids under 5 and when working to maintain close friendships. For me I know its a season I am in and have to trust the Lord to carry me. One day I know I will marry again and experience that depth of closeness again, but until then the Lord is my strength and companion.
Bless you as you continue to walk this journey. May the God of all comfort comfort you in your loneliness tonight (II Cor 1:3-4)
Patrick,
Thank you so much for sharing your grief. I am so sorry for your loss and the loss your children have experienced as well. May God bless you as you travel this journey with two young children. I appreciate you sharing how you deal with loneliness and I do understand the isolation! It is comforting to have others to share our journey and for me this website has been a blessing!! It certainly helps to hear from others that are traveling the same journey. Thank you again for your honesty and openness.
Patrick,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and encouraging Jenny and the rest of us. I am so sorry for your loss. It must be even more difficult with two young children. My heart goes out to you. I am grateful the Lord is your strength.
What is the most difficult thing you face in your grief?