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Archive for January, 2012

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(Published CHERA Fellowship, Winter, 2012)

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Grief Revisited

Ten years into my walk alone. My grief is pretty much on the back burner of my life, so I was surprised to find myself beyond exhaustion again during the holiday season. Only now, two weeks later, am I gaining strength to live a “normal” day.

But time has added other things to marr my physical well-being. I live with less energy and more back pain. In anticipation, I cut down on all possible activities throughout the busy month of December. I monitered my strength daily and tried to get plenty of sleep. Still, I couldn’t shake a feeling of sadness.

Oh yes, this was the time of year when Bill became sick all those years ago…that time of fear and uncertainty when he and I wondered together, “Is this serious?”

The body remembers.

When I asked a widow of 17 years, what it’s like for her these days when an anniversary or holiday hits, she admitted, “I get exhausted.”

So much for time healing all wounds.

This is a different sadness though. Not the raw, biting kind as in the beginning of my grief, but more of a subdued, underlying feeling, not at all overwhelming. More of a, “Hey, I still miss you, but I really am ok.”

I think Bill would be pleased to hear this.

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