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Archive for April, 2011

Easter

HE IS RISEN!  There is hope…

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On this, the ninth anniversary of Bill’s death, I am grieving another kind of loss. It tramples through my sadness over this date and threatens to overwhelm me.

In losing my husband, I also lost those built-in protective boundaries on my time, which offset my people-pleasing personality. Bill never did cater to anyone else’s heartbeat, which was, in part, why I married him.  He had what I lacked and now I stumble on faltering steps to set my own limits.

Over this anniversary, like all the others, exhaustion trails me like a dust storm and swoops over me with every stray wind that blows.  Anger is not far behind. Last week, it erupted over an encounter with a grocery store bagger:

“Thank you,” I stated as he reached for my cart, “I’ll take my own groceries to my car.”

“I’m not going to let you do that.” He held tight.

Did I stand my ground too?  Nope. I switched into social mode…the last thing I wanted to do…and chatted amiably with him all the way to my car.

After he left, I drove away furious. First at him, until I realized he was only doing his job, and later at myself, for giving in.

Will I ever get it right? Probably not.

Yet, in my two-fold grief, I rejoice. For I have a Redeemer who loves me in my inadequacies and walks with me through this, to the other side.

“Lean on Me,” He whispers in my quivering spirit, “You are my beloved child.

What in your loss, has you staggering? Where do you draw strength?

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