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Several Saturdays ago, my “forever pastor” Bob Myers stopped by to visit while in the area preaching at a nearby church.

He brought with him peace, hugs, and acceptance. I can’t remember when my brain cancer story has been listened to so attentively…if ever. As we talked, shared and prayed together, I felt healing in places I didn’t even know needed healing…..all the while wrapped in the love and warmth of Jesus shining through Bob.

This is the kind of love only God can give. The God who created us and then sacrificed his one and only son on the cross for our sins, so we may live.

Forever.

I want that kind of love, don’t you?

Grief Regrets

Fifty years ago, my aunt Tena died of stomach cancer. Since she had taken care of me while I was growing up, my dad was her brother & also a doctor, it only seemed fitting that she would be brought to our home so he could care for her. 

Her abdoman would fill up with fluid and so every few days my dad would get a bucket and a tube, go into her room, shut the door and drain her stomach…..something none of us wanted to watch.

I was pregnant with my first child, went into labor & prepared to leave the hospital to stay for my sister’s house the same day that President Kennedy was shot.

On the way there, my mom (who was driving me there), asked if I wanted to stop at her house and show Aunt Tena my new baby boy. I said no, since I was afraid my baby might pick up some cancer cells.

Apparently, Tena had been staying alive long enough to make sure we were ok. I regret I didn’t take my child in to see her. She died that night. I learned later that she had cried out in her agony and pain, “Take me God, oh please take me!”  And he did. He was with her through it all. Just like He’s with us if we are his child. I know he’s with me. Everytime I reach the end of my endurance about something, he steps in & changes the situation so I can bear it.

My friend is grieving. A long-ago friend  from another

lifetime it seems, has died . “Why should this matter to

me,” Donna asks, “It’s been fifty years since I’ve even

seen Jane.”

It matters. Jane was a part of Donna’s youth; someone

who knew her back then….who accepted her for who she

was.

Go ahead and grieve, my friend.

What loss have you , my reader had, that makes you feel

its not right to grieve over?

Just when I wondered if I had much more to blog about, God allowed me get very ill & to sleep for a week. He lifted me up in the middle of what I thought was a War Zone. I was surrounded  by people with missing limbs due to diabetes; and witnessed the patient, measured pace of a physical therapist who knew when to let me rest and when  to push me in rehab just a little further. I watched him hang a man with spinal injury, on a mechanical hanger–the man’s legs dangling, limbs swaying in the breeze—the kind of thing you don’t normally see on someone in a wheel chair: the raw truth. And there was the man who was everyone’s cheerleader; who greeted me each morning before I even wanted to be awake…with a cheerful, “How are you today?” in spite of his own severe injuries.

I hated the rehab which lasted anywhere from 3 to 4 & 1/2 hours a day.Yet I turned a corner and in spite of myself,started to see how much it was helping me. I wasn’t able to walk, balance, etc, after what the Doctors thought was a stroke and turned out to be (after 2 brain biopsies), 3 malagnant brain tumors (astrocytoma), grade 3.

Now I’m home again after 6 weeks in the hospital, finished with a combo of radiation and chemo which when combined, is supposed to be less toxic in side effects. And it is.

But I had come to the end of my own strength and God’s has taken over….as He promises. Therefore, I have hope. What is your hope in the midst of your life’s worst trial?

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,900 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 48 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

This week was my birthday. I got out the cards Bill gave me through the many years of our marriage.

I’m far enough on the other side of his death so I can chuckle as I recall the mock fights we had in the early years. This was over the practical  gifts he would buy me…like pots and pans.

Somewhere along the way it changed. I began getting hand-made notes alternating with store-bought cards.

For example: A hand drawn valentine on Valentine’s day with the poem:

“Roses are reder

Violets are bluer                            Blog image

Because of youer”.

On a birthday:  stick figures of the two of us, him with his nikes on…ready to run at a moment’s notice; taking me with him.

And a simple paper bookmark: “To my dear wife, Love Bill. ”

I took these all in stride; not realizing their true value til he was gone: Priceless.

What has increased in value for you since your loved one died?

I’ve been hearing a lot about, and experiencing triggers in grief lately…that sudden and unexpected transition into yesteryear. You’re going along doing ok and something happens to set off your grief.

Inevitably, if we look for a connection, there is something about the event which hits a sore spot.

For me, my most recent experience was when my sister could have died in a house fire, (she’s fine), but it immediately brought me back to the first year after Bill died, along with the fear and reminder of how life can change in the blink of an eye.

I like Jenny Lee’s kind attitude towards herself, as she deals with triggers after the death of her fiance’. She says, “I am normal. I am moving forward in the best way I know how with God’s guidance and love. I am where I am supposed to be and moving at the pace I am supposed to be moving…there’s no rush and no “moving on” or “getting over” grief…it’s part of me and I am growing into a stronger woman.” (to read her full post, click on GriefTalk at the top of this page).

What triggers your grief? How do you take care of yourself in the midst of it?

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