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Jenny,
How did it go on Monday, your 19th month anniversary?
Thinking of you…
Sandi & Jenny,
I’ve been checking here often. I’ve read about Jenny’s trip.
Jenny I’m glad that you seem to understand yourself better. I have noticed it in your writing…have you?
I really don’t know why I’ve grown some kind of resistance to writing since February, so now I’m going to try to force my words out maybe it will break this barrier.
My late aunt’s best friend contacted me after seeing the page on facebook, she was there when the accident happened and she was the only person who was really willing to talk about everything. We exchanged news about the kids and pictures. She also told me how the accident really happened, it set some points straight. In the past nine years I have let my imagination run wild that my aunt was upset from me, but her friend told me, she was quiet because she had hoped that when she came back to Lebanon everybody would simply get along. It made sense because that seemed one of the characteristics of my late aunt that I completely overlooked.
She told me about my aunt’s favorite foods, favorite moments that she liked to celebrate each of her children’s milestones and she was surprised when I told her we still do that!
I don’t know maybe it was too much information to handle in one day, it was overwhelming but at least my superstitions laid at rest. The truth was revealed!
You know how people say “Nine years already where does the time fly?” To me, it never flew…Some moments in the past few years & each February were really heavy; a reminder of the moments that seemed so slow & dense.
While there are many things I haven’t been able to wrap my head around I’ve been praying, lighting candles, for every situation and memory.
Deep down I have complete faith that the emotions flying around right now are only temporary, there’s always a bigger picture not everything is like it seems from the first impression!
God really never leaves anyone wondering for so long. There are always signs or people he sends in our path . So what I’m trying to say is that I’ve somehow come to terms that everything does happen for a reason.
Despite everything I would never exchange my life, my grief and my special relationship that I had with my Godmother for anything in the world, no matter how much pain it seems to throw my way…
Each time I go through my grief waves, it just confirms what a lot of people have talked about that there is always a light at the end of a dark tunnel!
Miss you guys xox
Zeina,
Do you think it’s true, that whenever we talk openly with someone who shares about our loved one, that during that time, we feel closer to the one we lost? That’s been true for me.
Sandi
Zeina,
Welcome back! I miss hearing from you and understand the break or “barrier”. When I read your writing, it helps me to understand or feel better about my feelings. I love what you wrote about seeing the big picture, my sister tells me that all the time! I have a tendency to “not see the forest for the trees”.
Yesterday I had a very strange experience and it has upset me very much. Sam’s email account was never closed and I guess just forgotten…well it was hacked and yesterday I received an email from Sam! Imagine my shock and then the tears started and I spent the entire day an emotional wreck! Others that got the email thought nothing, as a matter of fact where smiling. It made me sad and I then question my mental state…just like Sandi’s most recent post. I immediately called a close friend and she just listened as I sat at work and cried. She explained that it was a shock and brought all the emotions to surface again. I have had so much going on in my life this year, my youngest is a senior and college ahead of him and I am fearful and worried. Sean is home and I am joyful. I took a trip on my own and was anxious about that. Then there is an “ex relative” (my ex husband’s family) that has been acting very mean towards me and my boys…so I am trying to forgive and forget, but it weighs heavy on my mind.
At all of these times, I miss Sam the most…he was my comforter, rock, and had a way to talking to me and helping me to see things for the way they were..like you said Zeina..the big picture. When I read your post, I cried…you understand how life can be overwhelming and we miss the one person that knew us the best.
I know that God wants to be that person in our life and I am trying to let him feel the void, but I am human and I miss Sam.
Thank you for writing Zeina…you are an inspiration!
Jenny, Before I forget the email story u spoke about is kind of a ‘deja vu’ to me… It was only few months after my aunt passed away & imagine my shock when I saw her ONLINE on msn. Turned out it was her husband using that account! I remember the shock lasting for days but the problem was I had no one to tell, so I’d get sick each time I thought about it. It also happened few months ago someone told me that they found my aunt on facebook :s again I was in an emotional rollercoaster all day long, till I decided to tell a friend, she didn’t understand the situation completely but she listened. We are human & again I say this that it took alot of processing, writing, talking & years to realize to even dare look at the big picture. Then again one memory or event throws me into loop right again… Also about family problems sadly something happened few years ago, that really really shook our ground … I remember all I wanted was my aunt to be there because I know she would have stopped it immediately instead of going through alot of trouble & hatred. But again someone intervened my university teacher I have mentioned before. She was there & helped alot. Her office was my safe place when things got really bad …I remember what she told me when I said ”I just wish Mona was here” she told me ”Why are you so afraid to admit this? What are you scared of? ” I never thought of it that way that a huge part of me was scared of going through this alone.. We’re sometimes so distracted with everyday life we forget how overwhelming it is missing our loved ones… In Someways its like a magnet sometimes the further you push away from it the harder it will snap back.. So it’s okay if you don’t see the big picture yet. At the end it’s your picture ur the one drawing it through ur personal experiences… Nobody can paint it for you or see it the way you do. It takes patience & a little dive into faith. Hope your other troubles will be over soon! Always here to listen xox
Oh Zeina,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I cried so much when I read your post…you understand and you “get me”!! I will read your response over and over to help me pass thru this rough patch.
On a lighter note, I finally went to the dentist today. I have not been since Sam died cause I have such anxiety with dentist. Sam used to go with me whenever there was work to be done (which seemed like often)…so I was afraid to go cause I knew it would hurt and I would be scared. I went to a new dentist, a distant relative, and he was wonderful. I survived!! Yeah! I know Sam was smiling at my courage…now the plan with my new dentist as to fix some dental work. I have been clinching my teeth…imagine that! ha!!
Thank you again for your understanding and for putting it into words that I love…painting my own picture!! Beautiful.
Jenny,
Your teeth clenching brought back a memory for me…
In the 1st and 2nd year after Bill died, sometimes my teeth would just chatter when I laid in bed at night. I remember part of me was amazed at this.
Sandi
Sandi and Zeina,
My youngest son’s basketball team won the State Title on Saturday! Yea!! My life was filled with basketball all last week and the final game on Saturday was thrilling! I have been excited, nervous, anxious and elated since Friday, but the strangest part…not sad, sorrowful or fearful! Unbelievable that this state tournament took my mind totally off my grief and I was able to refocus on my son and the excitement of this team. I have not felt this “normal” since Sam died. I see a light at the end of a very long journey. I miss Sam and wanted him to be a part of this weekend, but knew he was there. I was tearful as I watched my youngest play his last high school basketball game. It was a great weekend and the excitement continues, so I am savoring the moments of peace for I know grief is still in the shadow.
Hi Jenny,
That’s great! I assure you you’ll have more of these moments as time passes by!
You’ll see the end of the tunnel! I promise!
So happy for you & your son xoxoxox
Thank you Zeina. I hope you are doing well. How is your uncle doing?
Jenny,
This is wonderful!
I too have found out the importance of times of distraction and refreshment.
Were you at least partly tearful because this was your son’s last high school basketball game?
Sandi,
That night was filled with tears of joy and sadness. My son sat on the bench after the final seconds of the clock ticked away to victory and cried along with two other senior players. The emotional display was overwhelming for me and all other parents seated around me. One of my closest friends was there with me for the game, she captured the celebration on film. The next day when she emailed the photos, she had captured one of my son and his dad (coach) embracing in which both were crying. Well, that picture brought a flood of tears. Then great news followed, the team has been invited to play in a national tournament in DC the end of March…..so I guess there will be at least one more game.
I have thought of your words of wisdom so often this week. The week of the tournament was filled with so much activity and excitement that I was able to put my sorrow in my backpocket, only to find it return with a heavy burden on my body. I have felt exhausted this week. Still no rest for the weary as I drove to my parents house to celebrate my dad’s 80th birthday. What a wonderful evening with my family, but grief traveled this journey with me. For 10 years ago, on my dad’s 70th birthday celebration, Sam was there. I thought so much of Sam and my dad even talked of the ole times with Sam.
The following morning I drove my parents to visit my grandma in the nursing home. After 2 years of not knowing my name, she asked about me last week. I walked in her room and her face lit up. She grabbed my hands and held me with a grip unbelievably strong for someone her age…104 years old. She didn’t say my name, but she knew it was me…for the first time in a very long time. She told me she loved me and then as we left she told me, “good bye”. There is a book in her room for visitors to sign and I found the page with Sam’s signature. My grandma called Sam, George and we never knew why. So Sam wrote to my grandma 4 years ago, “Keep it Real, George Strait”. At the time my grandma was alert and able to get around very well. Sam and I took her outside to sit in the garden on a hot August day. She loved the heat and being outdoors. I will never forget that day or many days spent with my grandma. I whispered to my grandma that it was okay to let go because we were all going to be fine. I know in my heart she will see “George” right after Jesus wraps her in his arms and thanks her for an incredible job. I am not sure how much longer she will be here on this earth, but I don’t think it will be much longer. I do not feel the same sadness over my grandma dying because she has waited to be in heaven for so many years. I have learned to live with her leaving this place and living in my heart. Today has been a very tearful, sad day for me. I am guessing everything coming to an end has been a reminder of Sam’s passing away and also that things will eventually all come to an end.
Jenny,
Things do come to an end, but for us…there’s Heaven…with no end!!
Your grandma sounds like a beautiful lady. I’m so happy she remembered you this time. A treasure!
Well, I would imagine that I would get a little exhausted too after the week you’ve had with traveling and all the emotional excitement. You’re doing well.
Oh Sandi, What a wonderful reminder…things do come to an end, but we have heaven and there is no end! Thank you!
Jenny,
I have to remind myself too!
Sandi
Sandi & Jenny,
First, My uncle returns home today after a successful open heart surgery!!
I’m sorry I looked yesterday here for replies it seems my connection wasn’t fast enough.. It didn’t show me your replies about “The Bodyguard” & the whole Whitney Houston issue.
It is a beautiful movie isn’t it? The song “I Will Always love you” always brings me to tears, it has all the beauty anyone could ever ask for..
I am so heartbroken by Whitney’s death .I’ve listened to her ever since I could remember, with Mona in the car .Her music was so inspirational it’s heartbreaking that she didn’t realize what a gift she brought to the world.
Music is therapeutic when I had my big fall few years back, I found myself going back to her music… “One Moment in time”, “Greatest love of all” “When you believe”… etc. & a part of me always thought I’d get a chance to watch her live in concert one day.
Jenny, just cry it out. Grief is very hard at times, no matter which year or phase. Sometimes there’s that one moment that snaps you back to the exact second of when you knew your life has changed.
It’s called a grief wave, but do not mistaken it for a setback you are moving forward, it’s just the wave is over your head right now you can’t actually see it!
I don’t know why my thoughts seem to be restrained lately, maybe it’s the month or maybe the wave is still above my head, but I will be back with details really soon!!
Hope you’re both doing well!
Zeina,
Wonderful news about your uncle. I hope he continues to improve and get some rest at home surrounded by his family.
This morning my devotion was this,“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2”
After reading your post on the waves being over our heads, I read this devotion and thought…this is the only way to keep our heads above water!
Thinking of you…stay in touch.
Zeina,
I’m so glad your uncle is back home and doing well! The whole family must be relieved.
I like what you said to Jenny about a grief wave not being a setback. It’s a wave that will pass, just like the waves of the sea keep moving on. I like to find the “pocket” in the center of the wave, and rest there.
Doing well here; write when you’re ready.
Today is Valentine’s Day and my heart is hurting. I read a wonderful devotion on the love our Father has for us on this day as everyday…but still my heart hurts. I have been in a funk for weeks now and I am looking for a ray of sunshine. My life is busy and I keep blaming the hectic schedule for my lack of enthusiasm to run, eat right or take better care of myself. I have been having dreams of Sam, but they are not happy ones. I dream he leaves me, is mad at me or won’t return my calls. My sister said it is normal and most likely a result of my feelings of abandonment. Has anyone else had these dreams? It has been 18 months and I know I am making progress, but the pain is still so great. Just looking for some comforting words from my friends in grief. God is working in my life daily and I want to feel his presence and most of all his peace.
Jenny,
All our energy and enthusiasm goes out the window as our body mourns with us. It WILL get better. Sending my prayers and love…
I’m here and I understand.
I will never forget a dream I had awhile after my husband died:
I was in my old livingroom where we had lived and I was waiting for him. He was late and when he did come home, he looked very healthy and dressed in his running clothes. He stood there looking at me and all of the sudden he got this look of torture on his face that spoke volumes about how much he had suffered and then he crumpled to the floor. I woke up and that look just haunted me.
Valentines Day is a natural for pain.
Sandi,
Thank you for sharing your dream and for being here for me. Thank you!
Jenny,
How are you doing today?
Sandi
Sandi,
I am doing somewhat better tonight. I have been really busy with work, my son’s basketball team and just life. Busyness is good, but I believe it takes a toil on my body. I am trying to relax more and take care of me. This year is so much tougher. Most others have gone about their life and my memories fade at times…then sadness when I realize this is real and I have a road ahead of me. My peaceful times are longer, but the sadness can be ovewhelming at times..then peaceful…roller coaster, but has leveled since 18 months ago.
Hi Jenny,
I’m sorry that Valentine’s Day is painful for you.. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, because I was recently reminded that sometimes no matter who’s by your side,when your sad, you really want to go through it till the end instead of cheering up & facing life..
Like you & Sandi I’ve had dreams and sometimes nightmares of my loved ones…
The worst was during my last piece of writing that I wrote about letting go of everything, and taking it all in about acceptance… It was few nights later that I saw a baby Mona & Ghazi with their mother playing and having a great time. I was on the sidelines just watching them as if watching a movie, I thought how beautiful it was, and all of a sudden this dark figure pops up from behind them and whispers into baby Mona’s ear “You’re gonna lose her…” I cannot describe how scary that was..This was when it seriously turned into a nightmare, my aunt disappeared reality hit…I went over to the crying kids & I was truly surprised that I didn’t look for my aunt or react I told them.. “It’s okay…we’re going to be okay without her, you’re going to live and be happy…we’re going to do things together. I’ll never leave you…”
This was when I woke up…I was really upset from that dream, and thought whether I took a wrong step writing what I did…
Dreams are a part of healing, so it’s normal to have them even if they’re unpleasant, they change something in you .You might be able to deal with things you never would want to in your everyday life in your dreams…
Hope this helped, & wish you more pleasant dreams..
Oh Zeina,
I am so sorry for your bad dream. I have to wonder why we have the bad dreams, as if we haven’t already been through enough grief. I woke up crying one morning after a dream of Sam and ask God..why. Our mind and bodies are so out of our control at times and that is what is scary. I feel the tension in my head, shoulders and teeth (clinch them at night). I just try so hard to relax and think good thoughts, but even then, I fall asleep and wake up to sadness or bad dreams. All a process and we just keep moving forward. I have been journaling this week and it helps. I know I will always have bad days and keep telling myself that God loves me and he will give me the strength I need. This journey is not easy, but losing someone we love with all our heart is not easy! Stay in touch and take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing your dreams and for always responding…I appreciate you so much.
I’m so sad, to know about Whitney Houston’s death. So many memories come back of Mona & I singing her songs in the car!!
I am completely speechless, and in constant tears over this tragic event!!…What a voice, what a wonderful career she had, I kept thinking while I slept to her songs on the radio…
They all bring back so much memories…
Hope she has found peace now!
Zeina,
Sad story and my prayers are with her mom and daughter. I hope you are doing ok.
Zeina,
Yes, it is so sad about Whitney Houston. I’m sorry it brought up so many memories for you…must be bittersweet! How are you doing now?
Zeina,
I saw the end of the movie, The Bodyguard tonight and the tears flowed. I cried for the lost of a beautiful woman with a God given talent and for all the pain she suffered. She was beautiful and suffered so much pain in her life. I thought of you as she sang “I will always love you” at the end of the movie. How are you doing?
Grief is so difficult to explain and learning to live with grief is yet harder. I feel at times I am on my way to find peace and then I wake up with an incredible sadness and emptiness. I can’t move forward on many days, so I just hang out with grief and cry. I miss Sam and still after 18 months I can’t imagine never seeing him again…how do we get past the awful pain and find joy? All I know to do is pray for peace and allow God to work thru my pain to help me find some joy in this life. I feel guilty for not seeing the wonderful gift God has given me with two incredible boys. I am in such a sad place these days and all I know to do is pray and reach out for my grief friends.
Sandi,
I feel so much emptiness and pain for missing Sam and his memory fades. I am afraid of forgetting so much. Lately I have been angry with Sam for leaving me. I don’t know how I am suppose to feel anymore. I love Sam with all my heart, but he is gone and I am afraid of forgetting.
I feel as if I am being disloyal to Sam because I want to feel better and I can’t. This journey is painful and after 18 months I do not feel comfortable talking to many people because they want me to feel better and when I talk the tears flow. I am functioning really well at work, in public, with my friends and family…but when I am alone I feel so empty.
Jenny,
I remember the emptiness. It is not a fun feeling!!! Very hard. But it will go away. I’m glad your tears are flowing…they get the pain and infection out.
There is no “right” way for you to feel. You are feeling what you feel, and that is normal.
I’m here for you Jenny, you will feel better…it just seems to take so much longer than we want, doesn’t it? That’s normal too. Honor your feelings as a tribute to your love for Sam.
Sandi,
Thank you for your understanding. I realize this too is another hurdle in the grieving process and eventually I will begin to feel more peaceful. I wrestle with “moving on” and saying “good-bye”. Last night I threw a book across the room (paperback so no harm to anything) when I read a chapter on sayng “good-bye” and “moving on” in our grief. I am not there and not sure if I ever will be. My youngest sister is wonderful when it comes to common sense advice. She once told me when my boys were young, “Books on child rearing are just that, books. Every child is different and no one fits nicely into a chapter”. This is also true in grief. We are all different and unique, just the way God made us. I remind myself that God knows my sorrow and he knows my strength, but I have to trust him to carry me through the tougher times.
I love what you wrote, “Honor your feelings as a tribute to your love for Sam.”
Thank you Sandi. I have a feeling I will need more and more words of wisdom and encouragement as I struggle to deal with this hurdle.
Jenny,
Don’t know if you ever read my blog post, On Missing The Missing, or not (about fear of forgetting), but here’s the link: http://wp.me/pz1Df-1e.
Oh, and I have been known to throw a few things across the room too…
Sandi
Sandi, Thank you for the link. Exactly what I needed to read. So grateful for your writing and guidance.
Also, good to know I am not the only one with a tendency to throw things. Haha!! It does feel good to let go of some frustrations!!
This is the final week of basketball for my youngest. I believe all things coming to a close are part of my sadness. He will graduate in June and I feel the empty nest coming all too soon.
Life does go on and I am trying my best to take it one day at a time.
Thank you again for your support and friendship.
Jenny,
I can understand your sadness with things coming to an end. Kind of a reminder of Sam, isn’t it? The thing I’ve learned about “empty nest” is that it’s not permanent; the kids keep coming back.
How are you doing today?
Sandi
Sandi,
You are very wise, things coming to an end does remind me of Sam. That makes sense to me. Just ‘labeling’ my emotional state is helpful. I guess I feel the need to justify or explain my emptiness, and you put into words what I have not been able to see.
Today was sunny, windy and chilly but I went for a run. After my run, I walked to a coffee shop and sat outside just enjoying the sunshine. It was peaceful. Feeling better today. Thank you for checking in and reminding me that my empty nest will not always be that way!! I like that.
Jenny
Happy you’re doing better….be kind to yourself!
Sandi
Jenny,
Happy to read from you. It’s really nice that you can actually share your grief with someone in person…
I’ve noticed some of my friends going into hibernation keeping a low profile right now…& I’m lost as what to think of it!! I tried talking to them, then just thought to leave it alone.
Despite all that, I have noticed friends that were distant before, rise up to the challenge. I feel I’m playing with myself a game of “Remember what happened nine years ago …”, & I’m going along with it as it happens…
I’m looking forward to know more details about your race & its preparations in April.
Lucky to have you both in my life!
Hey Zeina,
I understand what you mean about some hibernate and others rise to the occasion. I see that as well. I am learning when I can and can’t talk about Sam. I am always here when you want to talk and I know you feel the same for me…that is a blessing!
In the past nine years, there must have been million moments where I really needed you near me…. More than million times where I’ve wondered where you are. Million times when I’ve wished none of this had ever happened…
But now I know none of this matters
Your absence changed my entire world
to realize that what matters the most are the times that you were amongst us. You laughed with us, you made us smile, even when we never expected it … You always encouraged me to be the best I could, taught me to follow my dreams no matter how small they were, & you showed me that they can come true… The time I spent with you made me the person I am today.
To you it never mattered what age I was you just listened & understood me.
To me February 2nd isn’t a reminder of the day you left us anymore…. It’s just a reminder of your love that never ends. A reminder that I’d never trade the pain,& the gap, I felt from your loss , for anything in the entire universe, just because I had the privilege of knowing what an amazing character you are & being your God-daughter…
I love you my Angel
Mona Nadia ♥ … I’m praying for you & smiling always! I’m sure you’re out there smiling down at us too ♥
Zeina,
Thinking of you today and remembering you in my prayers. Your message to Mona is beautiful and I am going to save this as a reminder for myself of a love that is everlasting. Maybe your day be full of wonderful reminders of Mona and may God bless you and all of Mona’s family with his peace.
Zeina,
This is such a beautiful expression of your love for Mona! I LOVE your attitude.
Praying for you through this day…
Zeina,
How did your day go? I have been reading what you wrote, over and over..so beautiful.
Zeina
Yes, I’m wondering too, how did it go?
Sandi
Sandi & Jenny,
How are you both doing??
I have missed you both, in the past two weeks, I have been distracted with everything going on with my uncle. And now my aunt’s ninth year Angelversary, got me thinking about all the different emotions a person can get in ONE week… I don’t know where all of a sudden this feeling of great strength has arrived from…
The day was sunny after 2 weeks of rain so I was actually able to visit some churches. I lit her some candles, and also for you both, & everyone special that has touched my life in the past nine years as a thanks to God for sending you into my life…
My mum opened a page for Mona on facebook & in two days the number of people in it became 45. They all went in & shared their stories how my aunt had helped them, & how much she still meant to each one of them. Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Memories-of-Mona-Nadia-Nehme/339212166101016
It was really beautiful to read all these comments from people… That night I just cried it out.
Then again yesterday, I was in a tornado of feelings, but the most feeling that was dominant was gratitude. In the past year most important lesson I learned was how to be grateful. I was hesitant whether to go somewhere or not till I got a call from a friend asking how I was doing and about my uncle. We were talking about the weather, and it got me thinking tomorrow might not be this beautiful, so I instantly felt like leaving lol
She’s a director/actress/WRITER can’t recall if I told you guys about her,( I just emailed you an interview with her subtitled in English) I came across her work while she was in the beginning of her career, she directed video clips. The first time I ever saw her work was few days after my aunt’s funeral. It was a dream of mine, to meet her & I did several times. She shushed me when I told her how grateful I was for the phone call & all the text messages she had been sending to make sure everything is okay.
It got me thinking that everything positive and beautiful unveiling in my life right now, began on February 2nd 2003. I don’t know why, but this year my mind seems to be stringing everything wonderful in my life to that particular date. Probably there’s a story of hope to tell somewhere in between, and I keep missing it …
It is strange that my experiences are connected to that grief that passed. I feel stronger and hopeful as if I’m just beginning to fuel up for life. I’m working on weekly assignments for writing… I still crash, I still cry, I miss Mona more & more everyday…but right now in the middle of that dread I feel that’s the exact same thing that keeps me going. There’s no more guilt…
All that time I spent wondering & planning whether I’d ever get out of this didn’t go to waste.
So this is how it passed this year. pIcs here: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151245967470153&l=158bd50619
Looking forward to know how you’re both doing!! Miss you!!
Zeina,
Have missed you too. How is your uncle doing? I just finished a couple of writing deadlines, so have been a little out of the loop concentrating on that. Glad they’re finished! Lots of things were put on hold.
Take care, I’m thinking of you and your family & will be checking your photos and Mona’s facebook page.
Sandi
Zeina,
So good to hear from you and truly loved the writing, pictures and video. From what I have read and seen in your post, Mona was a beautiful woman and I am sure she is so proud of how you carry on in her honor. You are an inspiration to me and so many others with your attitude of graditude. Life does move forward and you have helped me in the past 18 months by encouraging me to face each day with courage.
I am truly grateful for this site and the friendship I have found with you, Sandi and Robin. Recently a new girl joined my work group and she lost her cousin a year ago in February. He was only 22 years old and she is 29. Amazing how we have formed a friendship with grief. Yesterday she was very sad and we spent a long time talking of grief and our loved ones. If not for the passing of Sam, I would have never been able to talk with someone about grief and share my journey. She shared a letter she wrote her cousin and I shared one of my journal entries. We have formed a bond in grief.
I don’t feel as if I am always grateful or positive, but I do realize that I have come a long way in almost 18 months. I miss Sam more and more each day, but his memory is still very vivid.
I am doing the half marathon again in April in honor of Sam. I have a long way to go to train. This year has not been as easy for me physically as last year. I guess the “fog” was so dense I ran without the deep sadness I feel this year. I find some days almost impossible to run because my body aches from grief. I have a goal and all I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Many days I repeat to myself something you told me a while back, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow.”
Good to hear from you Zeina!
I just want to tell you that I’m beginner to blogging and site-building and seriously loved your web blog. More than likely I’m going to bookmark your site . You surely come with exceptional posts. Regards for sharing your blog.
Sandi & Jenny,
I was going to wait till February to share this photography, but I thought I could always make more till then!! Besides, Jenny I hope it makes you feel more at ease, with your questioning and all, my thoughts are with you at this time!
Zeina, awesome!!! Thank you for sharing your wonderful collection of pictures. I was so touched by your glimpses of heaven. Thank you for the gift.
Zeina,
So beautiful!!! Thank you.
I feel myself sinking into that pit again…it comes every now and again. I need some words of wisdom from those of you that have found hope and joy after experiencing grief. I sometimes lose hope in the promises of God..my faith gets weak. I question things working out for the best because sometimes I don’t understand why Sam died or why so many of us lost loved ones too soon. I have been praying for more faith and listening to sermons, reading devotions, and reading my Bible. I get weary from grief and I try to make sense of thing that make no sense. Is this something you have experienced? I am a thinker and my mind gets cluttered and can’t shut it off! Just a few words of wisdom from my friends here would be so appreciated. This is such a long journey and I am grateful for all of you!!
Hi Jenny,
How are you feeling today??
None of us understand why they die completely most of the time it hits me that it’s probably how it’s really supposed to be, because we change completely during the process. We begin to listen & feel more…
Then later it’s as if I can’t remember anything of what I believed in…Strange isn’t it??
I was in that particular pit last week, I have noticed while talking to friends around me that I’m not completely out, because I’m getting angry at things that are just silly, I was honest to tell them. And they didn’t get my point completely until yesterday, when they tried it again, it became so clear to me that I needed to do something for myself, so I put my foot down & said ‘enough’ it just felt so good afterwards.
You might need to do something for yourself to feel better, because it seems you’re already thinking about everything. Buy something new you’ve always wanted, or change one thing that has always bothered you. I think you’ll feel you got some control back! Go for a long walk alone, and try to see what comes to your mind then.
My 2nd choice would be to just write it all out, like you did up there just in details.. No matter how much anger or pain there is just let them come down on the paper…
Add all these with a little prayer & I think it will work out!
Hope I was helpful…I will pray for you keep me updated about what happens!
Hey Zeina,
I appreciate what you wrote…”we begin to listen and feel more..” That is so true. I guess this second year is the year of questions. The more I question the more sad I get…so at some point I have to stop my brain and listen to my heart.
I do like the idea of getting some control back…yes, life still spins out of control at times and I need to be able to feel like I have some power over things.
Thank you so much for understanding.
I hope you are doing better as well.
Think of you often!!
Jenny,
Thinking of you; hope you are doing better. I sense you are “trying so hard”. I’ve been there, done that…still do sometimes. I hope you will just “rest” in the arms of Jesus who doesn’t say, listen to more sermons, read devotionals etc, but just says, come to ME; I know you are weary, and I will give you rest.
Sandi,
So true, I am worn out from grief. I have a deep sadness now that I don’t remember having before. I am guessing the reality is sinking into the deepest part of me. Like everything I do in life, I try too hard and all I need to do is rest in the arms of Jesus. I have been extremely busy and that is keeping me occupied, but wearing the mask all day is exhausting. I will continue to take it one breath at a time…
Jenny,
I remember that deep sadness in the second year. I think you’re right, reality is sinking in deeper. That’s so hard to deal with. I’m not suprised you’re exhausted. I can relate to you with keeping so busy. I’m learning to take my mask off….at the right times and with the right people. Makes a difference!
Sandi
Sandi,
I have some wonderful moments of peace now and then, so I hang on with dear life. I know one day these moments will last longer. It is difficult to deal with this realization that Sam is gone and not going to show up one day. I used to really believe he would just walk in the door. God is so incredible and when the sadness gets almost unbearable, I am reminded that I will see Sam again and God will never leave my side. Yesterday I was in DC and there were about 2 inches of snow on the ground. As I drove past the National Mall and watched the runners, I was overcome with peace. At first I was envious that I was not running, but the beauty of such a historical place filled me with an enormous feeling of hope. I let this feeling wash over me and I have that picture in my mind locked away in the drawer I call, “glimpses of heaven”. God knows my heart and he knows the pain I feel, so when it gets too much for me to handle, he gives me a picture of peace.
I trust you when you tell me it does get easier. I am grateful for your honesty about how you still have these moments of sadness. I need the reassurance I am not alone in grief and I am normal…it helps me so much and this is why this site is a blessing for me.
Jenny,
God continues to come through for you, doesn’t He? I like that. It encourages me.
And yes, you are never alone in grief and, it seems to me, very normal and at the same time, putting your trust in God. That is wonderful to see.
Your being on this site is a blessing for me too. Thanks, Jenny.
Jenny,
I couldn’t press reply anymore to your post. I loved what you wrote, & if there’s one thing I learned God never makes mistakes with the people he sends into your life even if temporary they are there for a reason. To show you something or to help out with one particular weakness. I met the most special friends in times that I wanted to be alone,
I’m so glad that someone was actually with you on your trip. You know I wouldn’t have hesitated for one second if I was near to tag along..
Zeina,
You are so right…we do meet some very special people when we want to be alone the most! I would love to do a “road trip” with you someday…we would certainly not be at a loss for words!
Thank you again.
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid
Zeina,
This is so true…thanks for posting it.
How are you doing?
Sandi & Jenny,
Listen to the lyrics of this song..
Hey Sandi,
I’ve had a headache for 2 days now. I’m not sure if it’s the flu or suppressing some tears. I should have known better than to keep them inside, but I’m surrounded by everyone so can’t help but do that…
I’ll try to take some alone time and write maybe that’s it!!
How are you doing??
Zeina,
Did you ever find out if you had the flu or if it was tears? Recently, I’ve discovered for myself, that I am much better off, less anxious, tired, etc, if I somehow express my feelings. Really makes a difference.
Take care and keep writing!
Sandi
Zeina,
I really like what you posted by Lemony Snicket. So true! Also the song is beautiful. I am always amazed at the songs you find for us to hear…so wonderful.
Thank you for sharing.
I hope your headaches are getting better. I have a tendency to get many headaches and try so hard not to stress or worry, but somehow my head will not listen to my brain! Take care!!!
I am not sure about the rest of you, but this first week of the new year has been really tough for me. Exhaustion and weariness have made themselves at home in my body. I constantly remind myself of your comments to care of me and listening to my body. It has taken lots of energy this week to get up and keep moving forward. Just wondering how everyone else is coping.
Ah, Jenny, I’m with you…great idea for my next blog post.
Yes, I’m with you at this point Jenny I didn’t realize how exhausting it’s been to pleasant and cheerful till last night, when I introduced myself to a singer who my aunt Mona worked & danced with.
The minute he said her name and started talking about her I just wanted to burst into tears, they were such great friends, he also said that he sometimes passes near their house just to catch a glimpse of Mona jr. because he can’t bear the fact that her mother’s gone.
Also the minute I told him I’m her niece he looked at me & said “how’s your aunt doing?” my mum was about to answer & he shushed her, then he came back to the subject few minutes later saying she’s all around us, & that him and the band mention her name at least 5 times a day, that’s when I really really wanted to cry …
His words were so heartfelt & the tears just came down when I arrived home, and they haven’t stopped yet, I was so touched by all this..
Just wanted to let you know I’m feeling the same way, so hang in there. I guess it’s just everything jumbled in together that makes us be this way. Christmas passing & New Year’s is also a reminder of another going by without our loved ones…So don’t worry & just go with the flow..We’re always here for you!
Zeina,
I really appreciate you sharing what is going on with you as well this new year. This new year is yet another reminder of another year without our loved ones. I have never lived with so much sadness and learning to live with grief is exhausting. I allowed myself a week of no running, sleeping without an alarm clock and not answering the phone. It actually felt great! I missed my runs, but my body was struggling to get out of bed and go to work. Can you believe that I woke up on time for work everyday..ha!
Last night I drove 90 miles to see my youngest son play basketball. One of the moms ask if she could ride with me and I wanted to say no so I could continue enjoying my solitude or escape. Instead, I agreed she could join me for the trip. Wow! She pulled me out of the dark without even knowing. She is a wonderful lady and I have talked with her before about Sam. She lost a relative two months before Sam died and we shared our stories of grief. She has 3 sons, one is in the Army, another graduating college and her youngest is my youngest son’s teammate. I spend the evening with someone that understood my sadness, fears, and a woman that loves the Lord. She talked to me about how God works in our lives through others and we shared many stories of our faith. When I got home last night, my stomach ache was gone, my head was not pounding and a burden I have been carrying for days was lighter. God put this wonderful lady in my car to speak to me. I told her thank you for riding with me and for all the conversation. Most importantly I thanked God for putting this lady in my car and my life.
Today the sun is up and I am biting at the bit to run….can’t wait to lace up my shoes and see the trail.
Zeina you are also one of those gifts that God has given me. You are an encourager and comforter. I am grateful for you always staying in touch with me and reminding me that I am never alone.
This site is a wonderful place to feel safe and share grief with others that love God.
I am grateful for Sandi’s words of wisdom and for God giving her the dream to put this site together for all of us.
It is a new year and another year without our loved ones, but I know I will not face 2012 alone.
Jenny,
You are so “right-on” about ventilating our feelings. I love how you vere able to share with that woman. I’ve found that to be true for me too…if I can talk about my feelings to a safe person, my whole body feels better!
Sandi
Running with Grace
December 31, 2011
It is hard to believe the year 2011 has come to a close. One year ago today I dreaded entering the year 2011, for it was the first New Year Sam would not be on earth. My fears of the unknown consumed me and I challenged myself to run a new trail. On January 1, 2011, I ran the Tobacco Trail in Durham. The trail was flat and the surface consisted of dirt or crushed gravel. Grief accompanied me as she has since the day Sam died. We ran a new trail to signify our new beginning.
Regardless of my fear of the future, I survived 2011. To celebrate my victory, I challenged myself to run yet another new trail, this one moderate in difficulty and 5.4 miles in length. The Company Trail is located in Umstead Park. Being a roadrunner, this trail would definitely be a challenge.
I woke up to clear blue skies and temperatures in the low 60’s. This was a perfect running day and I was excited. Hard to believe that one year later I would be “excited” about life. Grief and I have covered many miles over the past 17 months and none of them have been easy, but somewhere along the way we added two new partners: Joy and Trust. Although not as relentless as Grief, Joy and Trust are making strides.
Running a nature trail is not as easy as a paved road or gravel path for that matter. The path is narrow and my pace is slower to avoid falling over rocks or tree roots. Many hikers were out today and this made for a slow start as I had to weave in and out of families and dogs. Immediately I was surprised by my anxiousness to be alone in the woods on an unfamiliar trail.
Most of my life has been spent with the fear of being alone. What I didn’t realize is that being alone and enjoying my solitude is a gift. It was Sam that taught me to be alone and cherish the time I have on this earth. As I ran through the woods today, I thought of how proud Sam would be of me. In a few short months, my youngest will leave home and I will be living alone. I do not look forward to the empty nest, but I do know I will survive.
Along the trail, I stopped briefly to take in the beauty of my surroundings. The sun was shining brightly through the trees and glistened on the creek running next to the trail. It was breathtaking. I knew Trust and Joy were running with me today. I still have anxiety about the future, but know I can face whatever challenge life throws at me.
Most of my run was spent looking down for rocks and roots so as not to fall flat on my face. Fortunately I only turned my ankle twice and was able to catch myself before falling downhill. I smiled as I remember Sam saying I was graceful. For most of my life, grace was not a term used to describe my balance. It was not until I was loved by Sam did I gain the confidence to stand taller and walk with grace. Today I realized Grace had joined my running group.
I have been blessed with Grace, Joy, Trust and Grief. They will accompany me all the days of my life. Running has saved me on so many days since Sam died. Not all my runs have been easy and some days I walk more than run. It is not about the distance or speed, but how you finish. I finished 2011 by running a trail of rough terrain filled with rocks and roots that could have easily tripped me, but instead I chose to run with Grace and face another year.
Happy New Year! Welcome 2012….
Jenny,
This writing is AMAZING! It reminds me of 2 books I’ve read. First, Hinds Feet in High Places, where sorrow and sadness journey with little Miss Much-Afraid up the mountain & make her stronger, and the children’s book, The Velveteen Rabbit, where the rabbit doesn’t truly know love til he is loved completely by the little boy.
Keep writing!
Sandi,
Thank you so much. I love writing and keep a journal on my computer of all the things I write. I was so touched by your comments. I absolutely love The Velveteen Rabbit. I am going to get a copy of the other book you mentioned because it sounds like something I would love.
Thank you.
Hope your New Year is going well so far.
Hi Jenny,
I absolutely loved what you wrote, it shows that you definitely see yourself on the path and where you’re headed. I just want you to remember & re-read this when you feel lost or down.
It’s really amazing how writing can heal, and I think what helped you the most is that you stuck to what you believed, and you’re diving into the source. Never lose that!! I don’t know if you noticed, but I can sense a little more freedom & acceptance in your writing…It will get better, I promise!
As Sandi said “Keep Writing” & sharing…
This is the one I promised singing with the child, it’s translated into three languages…In case you were wondering in the beginning the singer was asking the kid if she nervous or scared as the singer was.
The kid said ” No…”
Here french is our second language, but mine has always been English.
Another one that means so so much to me…I have listened to it live in church two Christmas’s ago I was so touched by it that I remember holding the camera to my eyes in the front row, so people won’t see me crying…It was written by the singer herself…
I will translate the lyrics as much as I can. Hope they still make sense!!!
Knock on their doors in this evening & tell them Merry Christmas…
Wish all my friends & my family the best of holidays
Light their candles…one by one
Wipe their tears …one by one
Send them my love & kiss their eyes don’t forget to send my greetings to the children
Send them my love & kiss their eyes…For this is Christmas eve…
—————————-
1st verse:
Don’t forget to decorate their tree & take them planted wheat
Prepare the cave for the virgin Mary & most importantly the cradle for baby jesus
Leave them my heart on the window sill wrap it with my love & care
With all my best wishes give them a star that never sleeps
The people who made my life worth it .. with them my days are more beautiful
________________________________________________________
Chorus:
Knock on their doors in this evening & tell them Merry Christmas…
Wish all my friends & my family the best of holidays
Light their candles…one by one
Wipe their tears …one by one
Send them my love & kiss their eyes don’t forget to send my greetings to the children
Send them my love & kiss their eyes…For this is Christmas eve…
_________________________________________________
2nd verse:
The people who are now with you God in heaven…
They brought me closer to your glow
I feel their soul on my path…I can sense their angelic spirits
Their absence made their presence within us stronger
& their presence are the lights in our eyes
Oh God listen to my heart’s screams…I am praying for them now
The people who have left us to be with you wish them a Merry Christmas in your heaven..
________________________________________________________
Chorus:
Knock on their doors in this evening & tell them Merry Christmas…
Wish all my friends & my family the best of holidays
Light their candles…one by one
Wipe their tears …one by one
Send them my love & kiss their eyes don’t forget to send my greetings to the children
Send them my love & kiss their eyes…For this is Christmas eve…
Zeina,
Absolutely beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing.
Zeina,
So touching, so beautiful! Thank you!!
So glad you both liked the recital! I’ve listened to her so many times in the past few days…
My aunt Mona used to like her voice alot, she used to make all her theme dances to this lady’s voice & I never noticed till I became older what a beautiful voice she has it’s wonderful when songs or an artist loved by a person gone can be so peaceful & beautiful!!
A little something I just made, all photos taken by me…
Hope you guys like it & read the description for lyrics…
Zeina,
Your talent as a photographer and videographer amazes me. What beautiful photos and the music is perfect. I have always loved the ocean and your photos are breath taking. Since Sam died I find myself always looking at the sky and taking photos in my mind of the “glimpses of heaven”.. you have captured these incredible pictures of the clouds, sun, birds, snow…all of the gifts we receive from God. Thank you for sharing…breath taking!!
Zeina,
I see the heart shaped cloud…beautiful! I am so glad you have your photography to help you through the tough times. You mentioned the next couple of months coming up would be tough, so just to let you know…we are all still here. Keep writing and sharing your photos. Thank you for sharing your talents with us!!!
Zeina,
You really are talented. This is beautiful! During the first summer after Bill died, I spent a lot of time walking the beach, gazing at the sky and looking for, as Jenny says, “glimpses of Heaven.”
Thank you Sandi & Jenny for your wonderful & encouraging comments! I really liked the term “glimpses of Heaven” it’s so nice!
It’s weird, but I love photographing during winter more than summer, that’s when the clouds are more interesting the beaches are deserted, everything is quiet..
I have decided to photograph my way out of these two hard months that await me. Did you notice the heart shaped cloud at the end?
I didn’t notice it till I was editing. The last few pictures were taken with my cell phone & I couldn’t see a thing, because the sun was so bright. It wasn’t until I got home that I was happy that I captured the rays of sunlight seeping through the clouds…
The song just popped in my head the whole way coming back home and I thought how it would perfectly fit.
Sandi your questions about God have been stuck with me since you’ve asked it here, I think we all see God differently I have definitely seen God while looking at these pictures, some of them were old, & it made me realize that I had been throwing such an amazing gift from nature..So that’s my focus, I plan to continue carrying my camera out and about during these two months till February…
I really wish for you both a wonderful 2012…I am glad to share with you, the things I love that pull me out of my sadness!
Zeina
I wish for you a wonderful 2012 too…
By “hard months, do you mean winter or something else?
Sandi
Sandi & Jenny!
It’s a tradition to watch her every year live, it brings me so much peace to hear her recitals, when you listen you will know why… Enjoy it! This is my gift to both of you…
Zeina, what a beautiful voice and wonderful gift. Thank you for sharing. Many blessings to you this Christmas and always.
She had a bad flu that night…. Her voice is usually stronger …I had a nice Christmas morning there was a re-run of this recital absolutely love it!
Hope yours was good!
Zeina,
How beautiful…it is definately filled with peace. Thank you. I love your giving heart. Merry Christmas…may you be filled with God’s peace too.
The young girls in the choir kind of remind me of Mona Jr.
I know the little girls in the choir are so cute, she also sang a duet with one of them. I might post it later when I find it…
In fact it’s funny you mentioned it, the choir do remind me of Mona jr. I already told Mona to watch it she loved it!
I had a good shake from this singer few Christmas’s ago, it was few months after I began writing, & I seeked solitude which I was kind of worried & anxious abour. Some friends took me along to wish her a Merry Christmas & I was so surprised with her modesty and the way she talked about God, everyone was starstricken trying to impress & talk, I was the only person just listening & enjoying it taken away with her philosophy about God in different religions it was so amazing & heartfelt…. She noticed I was shy so she started offering me chocolates,which was pretty funny because after I politely had turned her offer few times she yelled at me saying I wasn’t allowed to say No anymore lol & everyone bursted out laughing….
So the next time she offered me coffee she was like oh dont u hide from me I can see u looool I took the coffee saying yes thank uuu & she laughed saying aaah u learned ur lesson…
After everyone left, they were waiting for me in the car, I thanked her for her heartfelt words & that she’d never know how precious they are to me during this period of time I told her that I was still finding my way to God & how amazing I thought she was to have been through so much & still find him… I asked her how much does she think solitude is important to be able to reach this point.. She told me we never know where God is till we are alone with our thoughts & in touch with our soul… & that’s when we truly can talk to God to ask anything from him.. I told her it’s good to know, that wanting this kind of solitude isn’t so bad…
I left there with such a peaceful smile on my face that day, never forgetting her words… This was such an important moment for me it gave me so much strength. It was so amazing to meet a person who knew their place exactlly in this world, while I was still confused..
Merry Christmas Sandi & Jenny!
Wish you both a peaceful Christmas full of hope!!
May God bless you both! You mean so much to me!
Zeina,
Merry Christmas to you and your family. My you all be blessed with the joy and peace of Christmas. It is hard to believe this is my 2nd Christmas without Sam. Without Sam, but instead God has blessed me with some wonderful friends that will travel this journey with me….for years to come. I am grateful for your friendship. Your writing is a gift and I look forward to reading more from you in this new year. Merry Christmas!!
My favorite arabic singer, singing in english!!
It’s a tradition to watch her every year live, it brings me so much peace to hear her recitals,but this year I couldn’t but it’s fine I was lucky enough that another recital of hers was broadcasted live on television!!
Hope you like it!!
Question:
I’m looking for some perspective on this for a chapter in my book:
When you are fearful and anxious after losing a loved one, and go to God with it, what would you want God to say to you in your anxiety?
Sandi,
When I feel overwhelmed with fear and anxiety over Sam’s passing away, it is not so much what I want God to say, but more of how I want him to make me feel. I want to be held safely in his arms and sheltered from the storm. I want God to whisper in my ear with his strong gentle voice, “We will get through this together. Everything will be okay.” I am more about the security of being held safe than hearing words. That is what I miss the most from Sam and what I need the most from God.
I really like this, Jenny. Thank you!
Interesting question!!
I never do find the right words, and if I do they’re always different sometimes I’d go to him with anger, other times with tears…
Right now I’d only be thankful for everything I realize many of the things I was anxious about never happened.
I write letters to him in hard times ,because sometimes it gets so overwhelming, I can never think of anything useful to say when I’m alone at church!
This year I realized that during the painful times he has sent me people along my way to help me along, I have fallen a lot and not just from grief many problems along the way but I’m still here & still hopeful I love my life as it is so thank you God!!!!
Zeina,
And once again, the value in your writing comes through, even in letters to God.
Has anyone read this poem a friend just shared it on facebook. It’s beautiful!!
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
Zeina,
This poem is a hopeful idea, but I’m not sure how accurate it is, about a person being in these things after death. In the Bible, for a child of God, it says “to be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord.”
Any thoughts on this?
Sandi
Zeina,
What a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing!! Hope you are doing well.
Hey Jenny!
I miss you! so glad you liked the poem I loved it…. I’m having connection problems so I can see your comments but the pc is crashing.
Everything is okay…Just getting rid of negativity around will email u & Sandi if the pc lets me lol!
How about you???
Sandi,
When I read this poem, it reminds me of God as well. He is everywhere and in all things. I find God in my surrounding as in nature because those are the gifts he has given me to enjoy. I see Sam in the all the places I go for I believe he goes with me too. I find the signs of nature so peaceful and when I feel overwhelmed by stress or sadness…I go outdoors not matter the temperature because I am surrounded by peace.
Jenny,
The poem reminds me of God as well.
I agree on that point Jenny! The minute I read it, I thought about that sense of peace that God has created in nature and everything beautiful..
Poems aren’t supposed to be accurate they’re just a hopeful message…
It has described our loved ones in everything beautiful, & I agree that we do remember them & wish they’d be there every single time we see something in that beauty. It’s all linked together beauty & God everywhere in this poem!
Can’t remember whether I’ve posted this here before, just wanted to show how ghazi dealt with his grief only few weeks after his mother’s death!
Mona’s son ghazi witnessed the accident of her death, even though, little I know of how much he saw. His eyes showed a deep sadness to the years after to witness upon, I remember him as if it was yesterday his hands wrapped tightly around my neck the day of his mum’s funeral, the ongoing question of when his mum would be back. And my fear of my answers would be too harsh for him, his eyes looking out in the distant distracted from his toys that he enjoyed the most.
Death is the most frightening thing and confusing thing a child could go through. Each one the kids went through it differently, with ghazi few weeks after the death. He used to grab my hand very tight as if he’s afraid to let go, if I did happen to let go I knew his fearful eyes were following me wherever I went.
I remember one time we were going for a walk and he was holding my hand anxiously, in his mind everything above us that day was going to fall down. His eyes told a big painful story he couldn’t reveal just dazed away in another world those eyes would come back at me only to ask when his mother was coming back and an expressionless face, that hadn’t encountered a laugh for weeks.
I remember the two year old singing by herself as she went down the steps on her own, refusing any help from me, she had a beautiful innocent mind not tainted with the loss of her mother. Even though I refused to accept that then, a part of me knew she will soon forget some features of her mother, but I would always be there for her to make up for them in other ways. She didn’t know why everyone was dressed in black and had asked me often why everyone was crying, she asked less of her mother everyday, but grabbed on to the dolly she was given by her.
“Why do we have to go down every time someone comes to grandmas?” ghazi asked after his long silence. “she has people for a visit and they want to talk in private” that’s the only answer I could come up with, my words were hardly coming out and my eyes were puffed up from lack of sleep. “Zeina are they going to cry? If they are I want to go back up” he said threatening to return up where we came from.
I leaned down so I could reach his eye level “No dear don’t worry they won’t cry, they just want to see grandma, and since it’s a lovely day with no rain I wanted to take you & your sister out to play and have some fun… isn’t that what you asked me for yesterday?” he nodded with his eyes at me and put his hand on my face “Why is your face pale? Your face isn’t so pretty these days…why? Are you sad? Did you cry like the other did?” he asked in concern.
I gave him a smile “don’t worry about me honey I’m ok and you’ll be fine too, but you have to promise me to go play with your sister… Could you do that for me?” he nodded with a mischievous smile “Do I get a hug now? Or is my face too ugly for a hug” I joked covering my face; he instantly opened his hands and squeezed me as much as he could.
Mona had already raced us down she didn’t mind that we weren’t following “Hey squirt wait for us” ghazi giggled “Where’d she go?”
“How about you follow her, go run…” I suggested, he giggled letting go of my hand. That was a small part of the ghazi I knew before this whole incident without a care in the world. It seemed then that as soon as a moment of joy would go by him, something else was snapping him back to bitter reality.
There were no cars on that road that day, and there rarely was. Nature was the true dominant around the building, as mona was picking up flowers ghazi was standing still staring at something. He ran back to me this time holding my hand little tighter, and I never knew what had gone into him till we reached the tree where Mona was picking up the flowers from.
“Hey little man you wanna help us pick some flowers” that was when I realized his eyes were hollow again he was distracted with something else and wasn’t talking till a scream came out of his mouth. “Let’s get out of here; the tree is going to fall down on our heads take us out of there”
He shrieked shocking me with this sudden temper and panic, “look at the wind it’s going to fall on us” he added in a tone I knew was to be followed by tears. I remained calm and realistic as I could be, looked him straight in the eye and explained “This tree as any other tree has roots which are attached to the ground; it’s used to the wind and it won’t fall. This is a very strong tree” I said in a strict voice which seemed to cool him down “So it won’t fall on our heads?” he asked….
“No it couldn’t possibly fall on our heads” he stared at the tree with less concern and let go of my hand and was picking up the flowers repeatedly adding “You’re right, the tree is mighty it won’t fall, It can’t fall it has roots”
It was that exact moment that Mona spotted a bird hopping on the floor she grabbed my hand and ran towards it “Catch it Catch it….pleaase” she screamed in a funny way that got me & ghazi giggling which snapped us through complete terror of the tree incident to the three of us running hysterically on a bird chase led by a two year old.
It was one of the joyous moments; those children seem to give even through grief, a moment as beautiful not because of the laughter’s as much as the situation itself. To laugh in the middle of a heartbreak, and I really hope in the future that’s what they’d remember the laughs and joy instead of all the black around them.
As our little adventure was over, we were climbing back the steps. Mona as usual ahead of us chanting loudly and giggling. And that little boy walking very close to me like a bodyguard, never leaving my side for one second. It was then that we heard the noise of a truck heading towards the building. I had gone up few steps when I realized the boy was no longer near, I looked back to check where he was to see that he was shaking “What’s that? What does it want” he said in a shivery voice about to cry. “it’s only a truck dear you know like the small toys you play with” I addressed him carefully as I came down the steps to where he was standing. “Why is it coming to the building? What if it falls down on someone” he asked still crying.
“It’s a truck full of water maybe one of the neighbors water tanks is empty and it won’t fall because it will stay at the bottom of the building” I answered trying to keep my voice as steady as I could, but deep down it was a situation I didn’t know how to deal with, and never knew if what I was saying was right. I could feel his eyes scanning my face for signs of panic, but that was something I never wanted to show “There is no way that truck down there could ever fall on anyone” I answered with a smile, leaning down I put my hand gently on his shoulder he was so scared I could feel his heartbeat. “See where the truck stopped that’s as far as it goes”. He looked up at me with a giggle “yeah you’re right that’s all it does, we can go up now. And I need to see where my sister went…we forgot about her didn’t we?” he said grinning back at me as he climbed the steps ahead,
“So we’re fine?” I asked “yes I’ve seen one like that before about hundred times
He answered rolling his eyes back in a funny way that made me laugh “I’ll race you………” he screamed giggling his lungs out, and disappeared as he went up the steps running.
I breathed a huge sigh of relief as I knew he was fine, and as I climbed up the steps I wondered if being so realistic with him had helped him. I knew he only asked me such questions because he trusted my answers to be true, and I didn’t want to lose his trust. Whatever he was going through I knew I wanted to be informed no matter how hard it seemed to accept, the kids were grieving too at their own pace….
Zeina,
Wow…my heart goes out to that boy. And I can see why you never had the opportunity to grieve openly back then. You had to stay strong for Mona and him. You have been super-wonderful with both of them!
Sandi& Jenny,
It was so hard to grieve with everything colliding together, no one was able to look Ghazi in the face for days to tell him his mother isn’t coming back. He already knew that, because he was telling his sister mum isn’t coming back, but a part of him didn’t want to believe… It broke my heart every time both of them ran to the phone to see if it was their mother…
So I did some research and found it essential for him to know & to be realistic with him, so I told him, she is never coming back & then later on when he was six I explained to him where dead people go, because he had been to the grave site with me & his friends while taking a walk, he had so many questions then…
I think everyone was grief stricken & mostly shocked to look at these details, but at the end I surely hope they’d remember and focus on the happy times because despite everything there are a lot!!!
Thank u both for your encouragement! I’ll keep sharing these moments with you !!
Zeina,
I am so glad that you are able to share your grief with us now. What you have done for Ghazi and Mona jr. is incredible. The children have been blessed by your love. I am sure Mona smiles on you everyday for being there for her children. What an incredible story that is heartbreaking, but shows how God has used you to bless these children. Keep writing….
Jenny & Robin,
Actually this is what I’ve been discussing here that I had no one in my family to see me through this, they all just ignored it and moved on. I kept on making videos of my aunt in the first year and was absolutely heart broken when members of the family would ask me why am I doing this?? & what’s the point?? It affected me that family can’t possibly back you up in this!
Now I know there is a point venting!! I had a teacher in university, who I’d talk to & she was very understanding, when I was really down during the first year, because of mostly shock & family problems I couldn’t see my cousins we made a plan to get the family back together, & she was surprised how determined I was to follow through the plan & it worked…I remember her saying that there’s always a way out, even if I can’t see it now…it’s there!! Since then that sentence became stuck in my head…
As for my cousin I have talked to many psychologists about him & they have all suggested he gets help as soon as possible, because the course of the accident is like this….
Mona taught at a school in Kuwait, it was the last day of school since the Iraqi war was going to start she was heading back home to Lebanon that day…So she was so excited she picked her son up from class five minutes early, they waited in the parking in a mini-van that would take them home , which happened to be near a construction site…The worker made a mistake, or probably put too much weight on a crane, during this time my cousin was in & out of the van playing, it was just him, his mother & the driver. I have to point out that the first few times my aunt was the one picking him up & bringing him back inside so she had had enough of him. Knowing her patience was almost ending the driver volunteered to go down & bring my cousin plus she was calling him through the window. As the driver was putting the kid in the van, the kid said “That metal thing is moving….” The driver quickly noticed and pulled my cousin just in time, the crane fell in a matter of seconds no one could have warned her to come out the kid barely made it because the driver quickly pulled him out of the van that he wasn’t harmed…
I’m completely sure that he needs help, and that he could have been better off talking to someone about this at the age of 4 then now at 13.
Shortly after he arrived to Lebanon any sharp sound would make him nervous he was scared of trucks & clingy he had nightmares, he was violent with toys & so on…
I fought a lot with the family to get him to see someone & for the few times he visited a psychologist a sense of relief seemed to fall on him, you could tell he was happy! But then my grandmother would oppose the whole idea & we’d get in a fight again…
Zeina,
You have been through such a hard struggle with your family. I’m so sorry…and yet I really admire your perserverance through it all!
Zeina,
I too admire your perserverance. Your strength is admirable and I am grateful to have you on my journey. Keep writing because I find so much wisdom in your words.
Jenny
Sandy,Jenny & Robin,
We all have our own battles in this world, I want neither of you to ever give up.
What I like most here that I can read & understand different point of views & this blog always succeeds of making me think of things more deeply & the more I do that the more I realize how lucky I am to be surrounded by mature understanding people. I’ve never discussed my battles with anyone and I’m glad to be writing venting about them here.
Thank you so much all of you for the insights…
Zeina,
Thank you, it sure does help to be together, doesn’t it? I hope it always feels safe here for you.
Sandi
Zeina,
I am grateful for this site and for all those who share their grief. I do not want to travel this road alone. When the days seem dark and scary, I immediately post here because I know you and Sandi will immediately respond. Although I have some close friends that listen to me, sharing with those that have experienced a loss is more helpful. I know we have all experienced a different loss, but we are all grieving and every one does grieve differently. I find a bond here that I am so grateful for. Thank you Zeina for sharing your story and always checking in on me..it means a lot to me.
I think support comes in different forms. I had an aunt question me about talking so much about the death of my daughter in those early months, asking if talking about it didn’t make it worse. My answer was, “No, not at all. It helps!” My uncle had died 4 or 5 years prior to our daughter. Apparently, for my aunt, talking would have made matters worse. While that particular way did not suit me, how she dealt with the loss of her husbad was entirely up to her. Even my husband was not prepared to ‘talk’ as much as I did about our daughter’s death, especially the details. I had to learn the signals that his heart had had enough. In doing so, I didn’t feel like I was ignoring my own grief; just trying to take into consideration his level of pain at any given moment.
Zeina, you mentioned the videos of your aunt. I have to be honest, making or viewing videos of my daughter would have been very painful for me. I couldn’t have done that or participated in it. I say this only to suggest it may not have been so much about your family not supporting you but rather their method of guarding/protecting their own grieving hearts.
Unfortunately, we can become bogged down in the deep ache of our pain just enough that we’re sometimes unable to sympathize with others. For example, we often hear nobody wants to talk about death in our society. This comes as no surprise to me, nor does it bother me. Why should anybody wish to discuss the topic of death unless they happen to be living through it? It’s painful, awkward, upsetting. That’s why acquaintances, or even friends and family members, are often at a loss for words. Of course, I do draw the line at really stupid or ugly comments. But even those are an indicator of a particular person’s basic personality flaws rather than any statement on society.
It’s probably the harshest reality of loss but we’ll each, ultimately, be responsible for healing ourselves. No matter the support system, only we can decide, “Am I going to find joy in life again or am I going to let this define the rest of my days?” Consider, if you will, a house The structure – its core -has to be solid. Sure, we can make it the perfect house by slapping on the latest/greatest siding, adding a huge deck for outdoor gatherings, painting the interior walls the perfect shade of our favorite colors, adorning each room with cozy/comfy furniture and covering each window with customized treatments. But when the storm hits, what’s going to matter most? The framing and foundation. For me, those who have supported me (no matter how close) are much like the finishing touches are to the house. Yes, they help us through life but we determine the type of life, even through the days that may be filled with sorrow.
I’m very sorry your cousin did not have as much therapy as he probably needed, Zeina, especialy as a little boy. But it’s never too late for you to work with him, sharing your devotion to his mother, your tough days, the challenges you’ve faced since her death, and how you’ve gone about moving through the loss. Before you know it, he’ll be an adult and you can suggest he seek some type of counseling at that time. Prayerfully, he’ll become a confident young man, able to acknowlede his loss, but prepared to become his personal best despite it. As mothers, we know this is likely what your aunt would have wanted for her precious boy – a future filled only with joy and hope. I’m guessing you’ll do your best to help realize this goal.
Did you share your cousin’s name? It would be nice if we could pray for him by using it. Thinking about your entire family, Zeina – wishing each of you well.
Robin!
I’ve always known it was too painful for the family to accept the video, being my first & biggest loss I just wanted to point out that it made me think it was so wrong to grief, to think or even to cry I closed all the doors of expressing my grief for six years that it hit me in the face later on I think with everything happening at the same time got me lost & confused whenever one of them would cry I’d just be there to soothe them or take the kids away so they wouldn’t be upset.
So my decision to write it out set everything in a clear direction for me, what happened was no one’s fault, I love all my family the way they are, it was probably how it was supposed to be till we could find strength in another way.
My cousin’s name is Ghazi, typical teenage boy teases me & his sister lol he still with some anger issues but I’m hoping & praying he won’t take them out on himself he’s a good kid just gets whatever he wants from my grandmother, so just needs boundaries & I’m sure he’ll be alot better. He has been through waaaaaay more from what I’ve said.
We had a whole summer of beach together & I’ve noticed how mature he’s become…
One day he will know he’s my hero in all this …
His sis. Mona jr. is my shadow always a footstep behind , my grandmother has set too many boundaries for her which sometimes I think is good ,at other times times it’s not fair & suffocating.
When she comes over it’s a chance for her to talk it out & vent..
I will post something I wrote about the kids shortly after their mother’s death, you will see what a great & innocent mind children have even with loss!
Thank you Robin for your prayers hope it will guide their way…
Despite everything I’ve mentioned I think life is beautiful just the way it is, I’d rather be grateful for everything than linger on the negative. For me It’s important to think everyday that we had such special people in our lives, than to think of all the grief their loss has caused.
Every one of us here has an angel in the sky watching over them…& they will be in my prayers also!
QUESTION:
Do you find your past plays a role in your ability to cope with loss? Perhaps it’s something about your childhood, how you were raised. Birthing order? Maybe you’ve used coping skills learned through a particular career path, or techniques developed for where you’ve lived (foreign country, isolation,…). Any number of things factor into our ability to heal from loss. ???
Robin,
I believe my past has played a huge role in my ability to cope with loss. Growing up I was taught to never give up and keep moving forward. We moved around several times when I was a kid, so I was used to change and adjusting to new situations. Sam is my first loss and in the beginning I would tell myself that this was a life challenge and I would just keep moving forward..sorta like running a race . As time moves forward, I feel my ability to adjust to this life change are skills I learned as a kid. My coping is from a strong faith in God and that I owe to my parents and Grandmother. I was raised in a Christian home. My grandmother lived a very tough life and she is my role model. When I get discouraged, I think of the strength it took my grandmother to raise 5 children as a single working mom…she is a wonderful lady. I really do appreciate you asking this question because it made me think of my family and how grateful I am for my upbringing.
I was raised a military brat. As such, I had to learn that life was tough – little money, few luxuries, and challenges brought on at home and in school the result of constant moves. ADAPT! was the message I learned early on.
Birthing order – I was the middle child. I was caught in the middle between the baby (who got away with most things by squeezing out a few tears) and the older one who stayed in trouble. I learned to follow rules, go with the flow, cause few waves. I was the good student, the quiet one, the helpful one.
Married young – found my prince at 16 – knew a good thing when I saw it – pounced! Personality formed as the middle child carried over in this. I graduated early from schoo, set my mind on having a great marriage, and a happy little family . As my husband was also military, we had to learn to be alone – ADAPT! We did. My husband and our 2 girls learned to be happy doing things without others. Holidays were often just about the 4 of us.
It’s been 10 years since our daughter died, and I can see how all the little events in my life shaped the person I am. Some would call me ‘tough’, even ‘hard’ at times. The labels ouch sometimes, but I’m learning to appreciate them, for it was these personality traits that have helped me move through my loss. As the ‘tough one’, I feel I’ve pulled my husband along through the grieving process. But he’s only recently realized how his habit of keeping things in has been a detriment to him in loss. We’re making progress as he learns to do what has come so naturally to me – talk, talk, talk.
This brings me to the fact I am female. I think women can be helped by their desire to talk to others, surrounding themselves by other women who will listen. But, I also think there’s a fine line between talking it out and dwelling. If we dwell, we may not move forward. So we must train ourselves to know the difference. This is where I draw on my time as the mililtary brat. We never lived in boxes more than a few days, and curtains went up before anybody slept. Military families need to act quickly with each move, or they’ll forever be in boxes. Decide the course of action and pursue it.
This are but a few that come to my mind quickly. Anxious to read the other responses. Jenny, I love the story about your grandmother. What an inspiration indeed. I, too, was raised in a family where folks had little; Dad’s relative without the convenience of plumbing during many of the early childhood visits. These are hard lessons but teach tenacity and emotional strength. Grieving takes an incredible amount of both.
Hi Robin,
Thank you for the question, it is interesting!
I am lucky to say that I had a happy childhood with rich memories, I can never begin to describe how grateful I am for that. I only have one older brother, but with my aunt on dad’s side preferring boys, my brother seemed to get all the attention, (now he’s paying for it he’s lazy lol) while I had to work my way to get what I wanted.
I soon learned that aside from my parents who loved us equally I could always count on my late aunt who was mum’s sister to make up for the lack of attention from the other side…
So since I could remember I’ve looked up to her, the toys she brought me were my favorite the pranks she did were acceptable simply because she was Mona & did them out of love not to intentionally hurt…I watched her help her students with problems, and I learned to be passionate about my work as she was! She always smiled, and the saddest time in my childhood was when she’d often travel to Australia, but she’d always make me promise not to cry, and we’d talk on the phone …Besides when she came back it would be with a huge blast!!! Carrying gifts singing & dancing with us, being typically the crazy, loving aunt.
As I grew into my teen years, we became closer, sometimes we’d talk at the same time that it would scare my mother we’d make harmless pranks on everyone… she was simply a child on the inside …I used to always write stories, and she’d always read & encourage me to keep going!
My aunt was a healthy young woman her death was an accident, from negligence on a construction site, and she passed away in another country! So when tragedy hit, no one was prepared for it. Besides it hit on so many levels her 4 year old was a witness…there were so many family problems before she passed away, some were forgotten & others I had to work through them…
She was the one I’d talk to when I had problems at 16, so I was really overwhelmed by this… I was lost and numb for months…So that was a completely new chapter of hardships,I never knew how to grief, nobody told me it was okay to have all these mixed feelings from loss till recently…
It was a major change, and extreme Ups & downs in the first few years. When I began to write everything became clearer to me, why she was so important and the impact she had on my life. I was grieving her not only as a relative, but also as someone who had a major impact on my life & personality, and I realized it was normal to be so heartbroken about it, so then I realized I was slowly accepting that aspect of my life…& even though I absolutely hate it sometimes I am learning to embrace it!
I miss her blasts and craziness, & yet I am thankful for everything. Somewhere deep down she will always live on as my clown…
Zeina, I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt’s 4 year old witnessing this tragic accident. I can’t begin to imagine my little 4 year old grandson going through something so devastating. I hope he will have therapy to help his young heart heal from that.
I’ve noticed it’s harder for people to move through grief when the person they’ve lost is the one person they counted upon the most in life. I’m guessing I would have struggled more in the loss of our daughter had I not been able to share the grief with my husband. We all need someone to take our hand through this. It can be a spouse, child, sibling, friend, anybody who gets it. I hope you’ve had someone else in your family to see you through this.
Hey Zeina,
I believe this is the first time I have heard of how Mona passed away. I didn’t realize the horrible accident that took her life or that her one of the children witnessed this happening to their mom. I am grateful you shared. You have come a long way from that 16 year old young lady. From your writings, your wisdom speaks volumes and your strength is admirable. Your last paragraph is wonderful and I have never been able to put into words what you wrote…”she was so important and the impact she had on my life. I was grieving her not only as a relative, but also as someone who had a major impact on my life & personality, and I realized it was normal to be so heartbroken about it, so then I realized I was slowly accepting that aspect of my life…& even though I absolutely hate it sometimes I am learning to embrace it!”
I too grieve the loss of the one person on this earth that knew me and had such a major impact on my life. I constantly remind myself to keep living life and enjoying each day because that is what Sam would want. I also know he understands my pain and grief.
We are truly blessed to have been touched by someone that loved us for who we are…the total person. We will always miss Sam and Mona, but they left a legacy for us to carry on.
Thank you for what you wrote and helping me to see some things clearer today..I needed that! thank you!!
Also, Sam’s newest grandson was born Nov 29th…Sam will always live through his son and two grandsons…blessings indeed.
Robin,
Thank you again for posting this questions…I am truly enjoying reading all the post. I am learning something with each comment. We are truly blessed to be a part of this site and for all the friends we are meeting along the journey of grief.
I loved reading about your childhood. I am the oldest and quite different than your older sibiling…I was a parent pleaser and rarely got into trouble. My sister comments often that she didn’t learn anything from me growing up because I was perfect! ha!! I was in my 40′s before Sam and I fell in love. For the first time in my life, I knew true love. Sam helped me to grow into the woman I am today..much stronger and definitely not as “perfect” as I was growing up.
My son is in the Army as a plebe at West Point, so I really enjoyed hearing of your military upbringing.
I love what you wrote about being female and talking. Sam has several nicknames for me and one of them was Brook for babbling brook! So talking or writing is definitely helpful in the healing process. Thank you again for the post..keep writing for I have learned so much from your writing. Thank you.
Sandi and Zeina,
I feel myself sinking into the pit of sadness as one holiday passes and I prepare for the next one. As time goes by, I realize Sam is never coming home and missing him is extremely painful. The pain is less than 15 months ago, but still hurts. It is days like this I wonder how I will ever feel joyful again and hopeful. I am learning to cherish the good days and see God is so incredible. I know God is with me always, but some days I just don’t feel his presence. It is exhausting trying to busy myself so I do not get too sad. What a life with grief, the ups and downs. I just needed to write to all of you here tonight and thank you for being here and understanding..it helps to know I am not alone.
Jenny,
Holidays can be the pits, can’t they? I think I said this before, but in some ways the 2nd year can be harder than the first because it is all so real! Please know you are never alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And God is present with you even when you don’t feel it. He will never leave you nor forsake you. That’s a promise! Still, it’s hard, isn’t it? Are you missing anything right now in particular about Sam?
Sandi,
I do remember you saying the 2nd year is tougher for everything is more real. I appreciate your words of comfort and most of all for your prayers. I miss having Sam to talk to right now, so I talk to him in my car as I drive to and from work. I work with some awesome people and they are a blessing to me. One man in particular talks about his wife and children with such wonderful admiration and love that some days it makes me really miss Sam. I am so grateful for my work friends, but at times it makes me miss talking to Sam at the end of a long day or the hug when he would see me. There is an ache for being held safely in Sam’s arms and knowing I was at home. Thank you for being here Sandi.
Jenny,
I can remember going to the grave and talking, talking, talking…telling Bill everything that was going on. It helps somehow, doesn’t it? Makes them seem not quite so far away.
How are you doing with all this now? It’s painful, isn’t it?
Sandi
Sandi,
This week has been difficult. I feel distant from Sam and reality is hitting me in the face. I don’t like this situation, but there is nothing I can do about it. I find comfort in knowing that you have traveled this road and have promised me it will get easier. Thank you for asking and for all your prayers.
Jenny,
I hope this week will be easier for you… Know that you are surrounded by God and all your friends here.
Sandi
Sandi,
Thank you for always checking in on me. I am doing okay. Lots of praying, reading my devotions and also reading everything here over and over. I always go back to some of your older post. I guess I am finally facing reality of Sam’s death and it is so painful. I am amazed at how I functioned the first year and that is what helps me on the sad days…I can do this with God’s courage and strength. As always, you are a wonderful friend to encourage me. Thank you Sandi.
Jenny,
It might help not to compare how you feel now with before, because you’ll just feel bad for feeling good & then sink in sadness all of a sudden. That’s a pit we all fall into no matter how much time goes by, the difference is that every time we pass through it we learn to make it shorter and be patient with it..we have different defense mechanisms against sadness and learn how to set them off when it becomes un-bearable & I trust that you have that too…
You’re definitely not alone, and will look forward to read more of how your feeling!!
Btw, I have missed u & Sandi! I am reading everything!! <3
Question:
If your tears had a voice, what would they be saying?
(from The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom, M.D.)
What a wonderful question, if my tears had a voice….they would speak of “overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love” as written by Washington Irving.
If my tears could speak they would tell the pain of losing Sam and of a heart that is slowly healing. They would tell of a mother’s love and the hope that her children bring her each day. My tears are a gift from God that speak a language which has no words.
Jenny,
I love that you describe yourself as a healing person, you’re definitely on the right track… slow or not, I think you’re doing a great job..
It seems to me that you’re seeing the end of your dark tunnel maybe it’s close maybe it’s far but what matters is that you know it’s there
God Bless you & your children, they’re so lucky to have a warrior mother like you!
Zeina,
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate that you see me as a warrior. As you well know, somedays are easier than others. As a good friend once said to me, “I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not the train!” I do see glimpses of light and I must say it is not as dark as it was 15 months ago. Still have a ways to go, but don’t we all. Grief is something we learn to live with each day of our life.
So good to hear from you! I have missed you!!! How are you doing? What is going on in your life? You are in my thoughts…
I can honestly say that I thought alot about this question I don’t know what they would be saying …because they come out as mixed emotions of anger, pain sometimes happiness or just wanting the missing person to be there in a certain event…
It depends on the situation I guess!
It’s interesting though, I’ll think of it next time I’m in such a situation!!
Sandi & Jenny
Happy Thanksgiving to both of you!
Hope it passed with less pain than before!
I know I’m thankful for having you both in my life!!
Zeina,
Thank you for your thoughts. Thanksgiving has passed and I am grateful for all the wonderful friends here at GriefWalk…not sure how I would survive without all the support and prayers.
Jenny,
Thank you, I am grateful to have you here too!
You too, Zeina!
Great to hear from you…
Next week is Thanksgiving and I have been thinking of everyone that visits this site. For some it will be the first Thanksgiving without their loved one. This will be my 2nd without Sam and again this will be different. My oldest son will not be able to come home from college because he is a basketball player. My youngest is playing in a high school football bowl game and our Thanksgiving dinner will be a buffet with football players and their families. All so different and never to be the same again. Change is never easy for me and this holiday will be difficult, but not something I can’t endure. Since Sam passed away, I see life in a different perspective. My son will not be here for Thanksgiving, but he is living his dream or to quote him, “chasing the dream”. I am proud of the man he is becoming. As I sit down for the Thanksgving meal in a room full of unknown people, I will give thanks for the blessings of my two wonderful boys, the gift of love from Sam, and most of all for God who has given me the strength to put one foot in front of the other each day. I will think of all of you and my prayers are with you and your families.
Jenny,
Thank you so much for sharing this. My prayers will be with you too.
I love your “attitude of gratitude!”
Sandi,
My youngest son left yesterday for a week of preparing for the all star football game he will be playing in on Friday. For the first time, I am experiencing a taste of my life next year when he too leaves for college. I am stuggling with being alone and it is only for a few days. When my boys are with their dad, they are only a mile away and I know they will be home in a day or two. With this week being Thanksgiving and another holiday without Sam, I believe my emotions are raw. I have done lots of crying this week and feeling really sad. I realize life does go on and at times it is scary to me. I have put myself in such a :”safe place” at home taking care of my boys and soon my nest will be empty. Again, I am reminded of the words I hear over and over…one foot in front of the other and one day at a time. I am grateful to have this website to post my fears and anxieties because this is somewhere I feel safe and know you understand. Thank you for being here.
Jenny
In a way, that can feel more intense because we’ve already had such a major loss and fear another. What do you think?
Sandi,
I believe you are right about fear of another loss. I have done lots of thinking and praying this week not to mention crying! I miss the life I thought I would have when my boys went away to college. My oldest left for school, then Sam died, now my youngest will be on his way. I feel extremely selfish with my sadness and fears, but the feelings are real. I try to look at things the way my mom always did, “it could be worse”, but that doesn’t seem to work right now. I also have been hearing God speak to me through his word over and over again he says, “I will not leave you!”. The one truth in all of this grief is that God will never leave my side. I appreciate your perspective and thoughts.
Jenny,
You are not selfish for feeling sadness and fear as you face empty nest. You had great dreams for you and Sam and I think it would be expected that these feelings would re-occur at this time. And you are right. Through it all, God will be close by to comfort and care for you!
Sandi
Sandi,
Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. The holidays are tough, but grateful for the wonderful support and prayers of you and all our friends here at GriefWalk. Tough times ahead as another Christmas comes. I find this time of year very sad when it should be joyful. I plan to spend lots of time writing in my journal and visiting this site for words of encouragement. Grateful to God for his strength and grace to face each day.
Thank you both so much for the birthday wishes!!
That’s what I’ve been trying to write about lately,& it hasn’t completely come out yet!
I look forward to know what you both miss the most about your loved ones!! ?
Zeina,
I think what I miss the most is having Bill at my side through the “dailies” that keep coming up involving couples.
Question:
What do you miss the most about the loved one you’ve lost?
Right this second I was just thinking about how much I missed her being around on my birthday, which is today. She made them so special!!!
But still I thank God for everything! I have amazing accepting people around me here on the blog!! Thank you Sandi & Jenni for being there!!!!
Zeina,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Enjoy this day. So grateful to have you in my life and for the blessings you bring with your infectious positive attitude and love of life!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZEINA!
I so appreciate you…
Where do I begin to list what I miss the most about Sam? The first thing that came to my mind was Sam’s love for me, the person I am and the woman God intended for me to become. I was me…raw and uninhibited..the woman no one on this earth saw or knew, but Sam. I miss the encouragment he gave me daily and for a love like no other. Grateful for a love that has opened my eyes to the love God has for us and shows us each day.
Jenny,
It sounds like you saw God’s love through Sam. What a wonderful, lasting gift he gave you!
Sandi and Zeina,
My run yesterday was not as I hoped, so today I tried again. Frustrated with my lack of energy and heavy legs, I was determined to make today a better run. Once again, my body was not responding to my wishes. It occured to me as I stopped to walk, for the second day in a row, maybe God’s gifts in nature are better seen at a slower pace. I was able to hold my head up higher and focus on the beauty that surrounded me. Over the past 15 months, running with Grief has been filled with ups and downs, but today it was peaceful. Crying is always an option for me when I run and today was no different.I thought of how far I have come in 15 months. I still have a long road ahead, but looking back I have accomplished far more than I ever imagined possible. Sam would be pleased and I know when I am peaceful, he is smiling.
Vicki,
I think of you often and hope you are doing okay. Let us know how you are doing when you are ready.
Jenny,
Sounds like your body was in sympathy with your 15 month anniversary. I have so had to learn to listen to mine. I’m glad you paid attention and ended up with seeing God’s beauty and
experiencing His peace!
Jenny,
Remembering that tomorrow will be 15 months for you.
How are you doing?
Sandi,
Thank you for remembering and for checking in. It seems as if I do exactly what you said before, my body remembers even when my mind is occupied. I have been doing much better and then the drive home from work, I sobbed. Hard to believe tomorrow is 15 months. I believe you when you say that the pain gets easier to live with and lately I have been reciting over and over a mantra..”bloom where you are planted”. I believe God speaks to me in those words. Tomorrow I am planning a long run on my trail where I can pray outloud and enjoy the beauty that God has on display this beautiful autumn time of year. I miss Sam and hold him so close in my heart and most of all the promise of seeing him again one day. Thank you Sandi!
Jenny,
Will be thinking of you tomorrow running the trails with Sam in your heart!
Jenny,
You’re in my thoughts… how are u feeling today??
Keep Sam close Jenny that’s the only healing method that would work!
He’s never too far when your thinking of him!!
Hope ur long run would go smooth!
Just in case link #1 didn’t work!!
Zeina,
Still can’t see it from here, but was able to get to it on YouTube.
Love the song…just perfect. Near the end, is that a scrapbook you made for Mona about her mom?
Hey Sandi!!
Good thing it worked don’t know what was wrong with the link I added …
I love the song too it has so much meaning!!
It’s a scrapbook I started with Mona when she was five, everything she ever wrote, or drew with pictures! We called it a secret book it was a place we could write to each other…
Right now she lost her enthusiasm towards it, but I’m still adding pictures, and we write down the important dates that she’ll never forget Birthdays…school trips etc..first time she lost a tooth! Every fun event we had together! She calls it Mona & Zeina’s secret book!
I’ve been including recently…”how did u feel about it?” with her events and everything, we write whenever we want to….
You can see her putting her hand over her drawing when she was 7 comparing how big it’s gotten! Since we agreed it’s a secret it stays with me, whenever she comes over she takes a look at what I’ve written for her. Every important detail in her life is in it including her mother, she used to skip her pictures recently I’ve seen her look at them more so I will add some pictures of her mother there, some from when she was Mona’s age..
Zeina,
What you are doing for Mona with the scrapbook, is something a mother would do for her child. This is wonderful. As much as Mona enjoys it now, someday she will realize this is priceless!!!
Sandi
Zeina,
What a wonderful gift you have created. You put your heart into something Mona will treasure the rest of her life. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with us. I love the song and there is so much joy in this video. Wonderful!!!
The book is something her mum would have done with her if she were alive she loved taking pictures of them….
These are the best moments I cherished, those smiles! That’s what I want Mona to focus on when things get tough, it is what I remember the most from my childhood, & I want her to have some of that!
Thanks you both for your encouragement!
Sandi & Jenny!
I was horrified few weeks ago to find that some scenes of Mona’s video that I didn’t back up on a dvd went missing so I re-edited, it came out more beautiful than the first one because I included some scenes of her as a baby! she watched it with me & loved it alooooooot!!
This is the new version of the video the song is longer also
@ the timer 3:13 min. of the video it’s her mum’s hand on her hair!! I love that part!! <3
Zeina,
I could not open the video, but hope to be able to later…I am excited to see what you have done here. So good to hear from you again.
Look forward to what you are writing as well.
Jenny
oooh Jenny its not frm ur connection I got to change the settings in the video & get back to u!!
Just checking in to see how everyone is doing. I am still here. I am never far away although not always posting. I need the companionship of my grief partners and some days I hope to see a new posting so we can “talk”. I decided I would post to get conversations going. I am approaching 15 months now and I can say that the pain is less at times, but still there. I still long for Sam and miss him tremendously. I have learned so much in these 15 months about God, myself, friends and family. This is not a journey I would have chosen, but grateful that God has never left my side and never will. Still have the rollercoster rides, but the drops do not seem as steep, but the uphills are definitely slow steady climbs. Some days it seems like yesterday that Sam died, but then I realize I have come a long way since that day. I do know that I could not have done this without the friends I have met along the way…so thank you all for being here for me.
Jenny,
Good for you getting things going again. We all need eachother!
I would be interested in learning the ways God has made His presence known to you throughout these past 15 months. I’m writing about this now in a book.
Sounds like the bad times are getting shorter and the good times longer for you. I’m glad.
Sandi,
What a wonderful idea to write of how God has shown his presence to me. I want to take some time to put this in writing for you, so give me a little time. As a matter of fact, thank you for the question…I have wanted to write in my journal and the words are not coming to me, so now I have an assignment.
Yes, the bad times seem shorter and good times longer, but the bad times are always in the back of my mind. I think I am learning to live with the sadness and pain. I wonder sometimes if this is the way it will always be or if the good times will become longer. I have been reading so many articles on grief and how some people do not let go of pain for fear of forgetting their loved one or hanging on to grief because it is so familiar and comfortable. I ask myself these questions and when my head gets too busy trying to figure it out I hear Sam saying to me, “I can feel you grinding away. Your mind never rest.” I believe I do try to think too much and then I pray that God will help me find peace. Sandi, I just need to write here to help me. I find so much comfort in your post and comments. I am so far from the place of joy that I felt before Sam died and wonder if I will ever be there again. I know it will never be the same.
Thank you again for your question and I will put this in writing soon.
Jenny,
I too “think too much”. Sometimes it’s hard to turn my mind off.
You will one day live without so much pain and sadness over Sam….it will be fleeting now and then, but very managable.
Thank you for writng on God’s presence in your grief. I appreciate it. Take your time. I’ll be working on the book for a l-o-n-g time.
And keep posting on GriefWalk whenever you’d like. I welcome it!
Sandi
Sandi,
When Sam found out he had cancer in 2007, a good friend told me to look for God’s presence each day. I don’t believe anyone had ever said those words to me before. I was struggling to accept Sam’s diagnosis and questioning God’s plan. I began to pray for God’s presence every day and my eyes were opened. After Sam died, my friend spoke to me again and said, “God will show himself to you, if only you will look for him.” In the beginning I was not aware of God’s presence because I was so devastated, but looking back over the past 15 months I can now see God never left my side. I received a phone call from Sam’s sister at 5:50 am on Thursday morning August 12, 2010 that Sam was out of surgery and not expected to live. She was not able to reach Dave (their other brother) and he lived 30 minutes from me. Neither Dave nor I knew that Sam went in for emergency surgery late Wednesday night. Dave drove us to Charlotte (180 miles away) but we never made it in time. We received a call only 45 minutes from the hospital that Sam was gone. It was by the grace of God we arrived at the hospital safely that day.
The next day a close friend whispered to me, “one breath at a time”. Her voice was soothing and those words have sustained me for 15 months. Day after day I looked for signs of God and of course…I looked for Sam. I had not accepted he was gone, so I went to all “our places” and looked for him. I was hoping he was still here on earth. With desperation, I read all I could get my hands on about grief and heaven. I had to know how to survive, how to live and I desperately needed to know I would see Sam again. A close friend emailed an article to me one day, “Crossing the Finish Line” by Sandi Elzinga. As an avid runner, I knew this article was written for me. I googled your name Sandi, and that led me to this website.
On November 12, it will be 15 months since Sam died. In those months, God has spoken to me through others in whispers, articles, books, grief websites, devotions, and His word. I look at life through a different set of eyes. God gives me sunrises, sunsets, autumn leaves, a variety of wildlife, Rocky Mountains, Carolina blue skies and flowers. My lists of the gifts I see in nature are endless. I run on a trail for the first time in 30 plus years of running so as not to miss the beauty God has given me. God brings me flowers in the spring, bright colorful leaves in the fall, pure white snow in the winter and wildflowers in the summer. God has shown me his word in scripture through devotions books and sermons. The gifts I am most grateful for are my 2 sons. There have been days when I do not think I can take one more step and my phone will ring, “mom, what’s for dinner?” Even in the simple words of a teenager, I am saved. Every day I live, God reminds me that he will never leave me and I will see Sam again. God is present in every moment and when I am overwhelmed by sadness or loneliness, I look for his presence…he is never far away.
Jenny,
This is so, so beautiful. Thank you. You have realized God’s presence in ways I hadn’t thought of. With your permission, I’d like to use parts of it in my book.
Sandi
Sandi,
Thank you for your response to how God shows his presence to me and I would be honored for you to use my thoughts.
Thank you!
Jenny,
Your welcome!
Hello..
Same here I am never far either, but don’t always post!!
How are u guys doing???
Things are better here, I’m writing something when it’s finished I’ll post…
Miss u both!
Zeina,
Miss you too. Will be eager to read what you’re writing…
Recently Zeina posted about her anger and last night I had an episode of my own anger. Last night was the pasta dinner for my son’s football team. All the parents chip in and make food for the boys. I left work early, baked a huge pasta dish and loaded my car to take to school. A young girl ran a stop sign in the parking lot and fortunately I was able to slam on my brakes in time to avoid being hit, but my baked ziti ended up all over the floor! The young girl gave me a look of…oooppps “my bad” and why are you looking at me lady!! I cleaned up all the food, tossed in the garbage and showed up at the dinner empty handed. We had enough food and I ended up washing dishes as my contribution (which was a good thing to help cool my temper). When I got home last night, I cried for the loss of baked ziti, but most of all for my life in grief. I was so angry at life, God, a young girl’s foolish error in driving, and at myself for being so angry. After a couple of hours of self pity, I talked to God and ask for his help. I read a grief book on anger and prayed for God to rid my soul of the negativity that comes with so much anger. Today is a new day and I am still upset for the red stain on my car floor, but I am grateful my car was not damage by an accident. One foot in front of the other and grateful to God for understanding my human side and loving me for all I am…the good, the bad and ugly.
Jenny,
Thank God there was no accident!! I think it could have been much worse, I would have been angry too if that happened.
Let it pass fully, what I realized recently after my anger was that we are human after all, so anger is one way of letting it out. Even though I’m trying to be grateful, in my daily journal which is harder than I thought, I get these moments as well and then another pleasant thought just snaps me out of it! It’s ok!!
Again thank goodness there was no accident! That girl is so irresponsible…
One foot infront of the other!
Thank you Zeina! The sky is beautiful today and the clouds are moving really fast…hopefully my anger will move as rapidly! Some days when I am looking for graditude I just thank God for the small things…pretty clouds, blue sky although I may only see grey or a comfortable bed in which I can rest my weary body. One foot infront of the other…keep moving and one breath at a time!
Jenny,
I too am grateful it wasn’t worse.
I see your anger as so normal in grief. I don’t see anywhere where you handled it badly. In fact, you dealt with it beautifully. You brough it to God. I really like your sentence where you are grateful to God for understanding your human side (He does) and loving you for all you are (And He does!). God created emotions in us and I’m only beginning to fathom how much He loves us!
Thank you Sandi! I am grateful that you see my emotions in grief as normal. I too am just seeing how much God loves us. I really love how your say, “God created emotions in us”, this is something I believe we forget from time to time. Isn’t it wonderful that we are blessed with so many emotions. Sam used to tell me that my emotions were a blessing and I could feel things many people never expressed and I should be grateful. Thanks for the reminder.
Your welcome, Jenny.
Sandi
Sandi,
I am not sure if I have just missed this on your side page or if this is new:
HERTEL AWARD, 2011. FIRST PLACE, A LIFE REGLUED: FINDING GOD’S GRACE ON A SIDE TRIP THROUGH ANXIETY. BEST ARTICLE, MARANATHA CHRISTIAN WRITER’S CONFERENCE
Congratulations and I would love to read your article!! Jenny
Jenny,
This was at the conference I attended last month.
Thanks. You didn’t miss it. It’s new.
I’ll get it to you…
CONGRATULATIONS SANDI!! That’s amazing!!
Thank you, Zeina!
Sandi
Sandi & Jenny,
Don’t know if you guys still remember when I told you that my aunt’s favorite singer talked about her on television? Anyway this person had been really close to us after knowing about Mona, but life threw some curveballs towards her & somehow we lost contact. But I’ve always wanted to give something back to her, because she showed me a whole new view of things, that there are sincere people out there who really care.
Tuesday this singer’s father passed away, & turned out the funeral was at a church I go to weekly for peace and quiet, it’s really close. My head spinned at this coincidence, so yesterday I went with my grandmother to pay my respects to this amazing person..I don’t know all of her family, so I felt a little out of place paying my respects to them one by one, then I feel a hand grab & hug me it was her she knew me straight away, I told her “I’m so sorry for your loss” she just said “Don’t be sorry, this is life..& I know you went through this too, and this is what God wants” then she inquired “You knew my dad, right?” I said “yes, he used to drop by on occasions ” I sat aside and she was telling these other 2 celebrities about my aunt in a low voice, it was so quiet I could still hear her..
After some people left, she was sobbing & I could see her heading to the door but her brother stopped her.I told him to let her go maybe she needs some fresh air, & she bursts out crying, I advised him to let her cry after she let it all out he asked me to come sit next to her.. So we talked & talked as if it were 5 hours she asked me about my late aunt why she liked her so much & she asked about the kids and agreed that they’re going through a tough age.
It was amazing how much she felt at ease sharing her memories of her father I had ran into him few times so she asked when was the last time I saw him!& my eyes filled with tears everytime she asked about Mona. I was even more on the verge of crying when she asked me if I could go get them! But they were on their way back from school & they had homework. We agreed on another date for her to meet them…
She asked me what I thought about the church & I told her I loved it, that I come here weekly for peace & quiet I love it. Then she said “get up I wana show you something,” we went to a framed canvas of mother mary, I told her I had seen it before then she asked me to look at the name at the bottom, it was the name of her dad. He had loved this church and contributed alot to it.
She was calm the whole time, what I noticed is that she took out her anger at her phone b/c it wouldn’t stop ringing and she threw it few times , last time she was about to do so one of her sibblings got to it as soon as it rang..
The most beautiful thing she told me after I told her Mona had been gone for 8 years is that her mother had been deceased for 13 years & she has never left her, our loved ones always have a place in our prayers, that time of prayer is a time to talk to them!
Then she couldn’t thank me enough for coming and we both wished it would have been a happier occasion, and since she was travelling the next day she asked me to pray for her father & light a candle when I went up there…. then again she ended it with “This is life”
Inspiring… isn’t it? I think somehow God had set this all up & planned every detail, it just couldn’t have been all a coincidence! I hope we both have been led into eachother’s lives again for a good reason. Deep down I know if she ever meets the kids or not, or even if we don’t ever talk again she has done more than enough!
Zeina,
What an amazing story of “coincidence” and grief shared. God does put angels in our path and bringing you together again with someone that Mona loved so much is wonderful. I love how you knew exactly what to say and how to comfort those grieving. Thank you for sharing your story.
Jenny,
I knew what to say because it had been exact same thing she said to me, when she knew about Mona around 2004/2005 , it was the first time she called to inquire more about her story, and she was just there when other people would have preferred to flee.
So glad for this experience xoxo how are u doing??
Zeina,
I am hanging in there. This second year is tough. I appreciate all the post from you and Sandi. I find strength in reading comments about grief that let me know I am not alone. Yesterday was one of my exhausted grief days when I had no energy or motivation. I do not push myself to do things, but tell myself “I will try again tomorrow”. I always look forward to my weekend runs when I can run the trail and have no time restraints. Yesterday I didn’t have the energy to complete my run and that is frustrating. I walked the new section of the trail and talked outloud to Sam and prayed to God. Right now it is all I can do…pray and seek God’s comfort. As always, your post are so appreciated!
Jenny,
I like how you didn’t push yourself yesterday when you were so tired. During my second year, I wish I had realized how normal exhaustion is in grief. That alone would have saved me extra sorrow!
Zeina,
What a wonderful story of comfort for you both!!
Thank you so much for sharing.
Jenny and Zeina,
Please see Vicki’s latest comment in Discussion Archives.
Jenny,
No, I haven’t seen it, but now I want to. I had a similar reaction to yours when I watched “My Sister’s Keeper”, the Jodi Picoult book made into a movie.(http://wp.me/pz1Df-3p) Hard to watch, but healing too…
Sandi,
Thank you for directing me to your earlier post of “My Sister’s Keeper”. I enjoyed reading that article. I watched “P.S. I Love You” when it first came out on dvd, but that was before Sam died. Yesterday it just happen to be on television and I felt very drawn to the movie. I still am digesting many of the scenes today. As a matter of fact, very early this morning I revisited your article, “Is This Going to Get Better.” I have to read that article over and over on some days to remind myself I am okay in grief and one day the pain will lessen. i am grateful for a faith that comforts me in my times of sorrow and for reading your writing in which you too find God as a source of strength and healing.
Thank you, Jenny.
What would we do without God and His strength to see us through!
I watched the movie, “P.S. I Love You” today. It was really tough to watch because at times I felt like I was watching my own life. The discussions of grief and reactions of family and friends are so real. I sobbed through parts of the movie and I think it was somewhat healing. Just wondered if anyone has seen the movie and their thoughts.
I’ve seen “My Sister’s keeper” what an inspiring story, my mother swore she’d never watch another movie with me again after that because we were crying at the cinema I told her crying is good in cleanses the soul & she almost hit me. lol
I have to get “P.s I love you” & will tell you my thoughts
Posting here is so much like journaling to me and many days I go back to something I have written and am amazed at the stages I am going thru day to day. Writing about my anger and reading Zeina and Sandi’s response is helpful. I see the negativity in my writing at times and it surprises or disappoints me…for I have never felt so much negativity in myself as I do now. Like Zeina, I too come from “see the bright side” upbringing and some days that seems so shallow. I believe grief has opened my eyes to the darker side of life and with God’s help I am able to reach the light again and again. I know God has a purpose for my life and my relationship with Jesus is growing to a depth I would have never known before grief. So when I sound so negative, I guess it is just another stage of grief and God will one day help me to see his hand in all the sadness, sorrow and darkness that I experience. Thank you Sandi and Zeina for always responding and allowing me to express my feelings without fear of judgment.
Sandi & Jenny,
How are you both doing?? Hope okay!
A rush of anger came over me on Thursday, I had no idea where it came from must have been one of those memories that our mind seems to remember subconsciously, I think it was the memory of my aunt traveling to Kuwait 9 years ago like this time. There was a lot of anger back then, & it re-appeared Thursday I was talking to a friend and she told me she believes someone is still out there and they can hear & see us…So since Mona was somewhere out there I decided to write a letter, but it came out extremely negative!
Thinking about it now anger just sounds so childish??
I don’t know why I came into this angry approach in my writing and in my feelings I just bursted out crying…Afterward still feeling the same way while getting rid of the letter I hear a terrifying bang outside turns out a cat attacked one of my bird cages nothing seriously happened one of my birds hurt her toe and bled a little I feel horrible for her, but thank god it’s something simple & she didn’t fly away! so I medicated her and spent all afternoon cleaning the balcony realizing that my anger had blinded me from looking out for the most precious things I love in life.
Yesterday I wrote another positive letter and disposed of it. So now back to my positive approach to all this, I’ve gotten back to my journal & to make sure I write the things I’m grateful for daily!!!Anger will still be there I guess, but when I have a list of things to be grateful for it will be easier!!
Zeina,
Anger is a tough one and certainly can ruin our day. I don’t think you are childish, but very wise to have recognized it was negativity and you had to find gratitude to fight your way back. I find myself waking up angry some days and it sets the tone for the day, if I allowed it. I must admit some days I just want to be mad, sad, grieve and can’t see anything positive in my life…I am human and life is not always easy. We all have bad days and it is definitely a process for dealing with grief. Writing about your anger is good and I have done the same. I get so mad at God and Sam. I sometimes feel like I am childish and my anger is a temper tandrum…because I didn’t get what I wanted!! I have to find a space where no one can hear or see me and I cry to God. In my tears I beg for God’s strength, mercy, peace and hope. I repeat the words..”God will never leave or forsake me, NEVER”. It takes time, but peace does begin to settle in my soul and I can slowly bring myself back to a world that is beautiful, joyful and life is worth living. Anger is a tough one. A great scripture for me is 2Corinthians 12:9, “My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.”
I am so grateful for your post that tell with honesty that grief is part of our life forever and the stages of grief can appear over and over, but with God’s grace we are able to grow a little stronger.
Jenny,
It’s like Sandi always says(can’t recall her exact words) That grief folds differently everytime, and a new layer comes out.. It was a different kind of anger than before. & I took it out later that day while cleaning the balcony from the bird seeds all afternoon.
Right now it has decreased, but I can still sense it there a huge knot of anger that’s fading away slowy…
Yes, all what you wrote is so true that’s what it was like a huge temper tantrum because I didn’t get what I wanted. Also you might find alot of contradicting thoughts in my writing lol If I recall well before my anger used to be hidden & I used to get sick b/c of it, so it’s all showing now and I’ll have to work through it one way or another to get to gratitude again!
I’m grateful for your reply, you reminded me of a number of things that we are human and it’s okay to feel this way at times but not to let it go too far! All I know so far that at one time it stops being about being sad & hurt. It becomes about all these moments that we want our loved ones to be there & we can’t find them!! That’s what got me angry, I was just recalling all the times I wanted her there & didn’t find her…
Also thinking about the kids not needing me like before, and the times Mona won’t be there in the future and they all crashed together!
Right now what my friend said about our loved ones being able to hear & see us seems tempting to believe, take a deep breath & let everything settle in! I know our loved ones are somewhere out there watching over us!
I’m a believer despite everything it’s like the “Footprints in the sand” poem right now there is one set of footprints in my path God is holding me in his arms….
Zeina,
God knows us so well and understands our anger…(I’ve heard that anger can be a cover-up for hurt). I think He sees beneath the anger of grief and knows that we are really in pain over our loved one being gone and we can’t find him or her.
Sandi
Hey Zeina,
Grief does seem to come in waves still for me and like Sandi says, layers peel away. I too have lots of anger and maybe pity parties, but then I feel like I have something to feel so sad about. I miss Sam and this time of year is tough too. Sam coached football and we always watched games together. We meet in the fall at a football game over 20 years ago. Last year I watched many football game because it made me feel closer to Sam, but this fall I can’t do it. On Saturdays I get really sad for I am missing the times Sam and I shared. My son plays football and watching him is a joy and I know Sam is smiling on Quinn. My son is again wearing a sticker on his helmet in honor of Sam (the sticker that Sam’s team is also wearing). Funny, but Sam coached at the rival school of my son. Although 180 miles apart, the schools have a history of football and play against each other every season. So, my point in all of this is to say, I too feel lots of anger and some days being grateful or positive is a struggle. I do not understand people that always feel positive and say, “look at the bright side”, for some days, I can only see darkness.
As Mona Jr grows up, she will be distant for some time, but I know she will come back to you. I remember doing the same as a teenager, but going away to college and writing my parents a heartfelt note of how much I loved them and thanked them for all they did for me. My boys are 17 and 19 so the distance is felt for me as well. I know they need me, but they are becoming men and my presence is not always necessary, but needed. I sometimes feel very lonely, and then God reaches out his hand and shows me I am not alone and I am needed.
I am so grateful for your honest raw post that speak to my heart and help me with healing!! You are an angel that God has put in my path, so keep writing and keep expressing your truth…we are partners on a long journey.
Jenny,
I’m from the people who say “Look at the bright side” but it’s only when I have reached rock bottom…I try not to say it to people who are grieving because it’s for them to say it to themselves one of these days!! It’s in my genes I guess to look for it. My auntie used to do that alot and she taught it to me and that’s why it’s been so hard to grief. I do realize now that it’s important sometimes to be sad to feel it deeply…
I’m happy that you’re able to help me with letting Mona go I know she’s 11 & she still needs me, but in different ways! She’s changing so much
a part of her is a little girl who wants to follow me around and another part is so mature, I’ll have to trust her on some things more… So I’m learning not to follow her around every detail too much, & she knows that I’m here when it matters. Anyway when it’s been a while since we talked she practically tells me everything she did during that time… It’s a part of life she has to go out & try new things & I’ll watch her from a distance ..I surely hope she’ll be back one day!
I’m guessing this is something my auntie had to go through when I was 11. She would just pretend to like some of the things I did to start a conversation… I am not a mother, but I have an idea how hard it is to let go of your kids. You just have to trust that everything you taught them would still be there even if they disagree with you on some things!
I am grateful as well for your heartfelt post. & you are as well an angel to me I was partly ashamed and scared to post about my anger. But you made me feel at ease & I realized that I should be patient with myself and go through it fully!!
Zeina,
I think you did a wise thing in writing a letter about your anger. You got it out. Even if it was all negative! Anger isn’t wrong; it’s what we do with it that can be a right or wrong response. It’s one of the emotions God has put into us as humans. Yours was a healthy response. And you balance it with gratitude.
Hey Zeina,
How are you doing these days? Hope you enjoy your weekend.
Jenny,
These are some that came to my mind!!
Slow healing heart-Dolly Parton
If we hold on together-Diana Ross
Amazing Grace
There Comes a time-Celine Dion
I’ll be there- Jackson five!
Will you be there-Michael Jackson (EXTRAORDINARY LYRICS!)
I’ll Stand by you
MISSING YOU!!-Diana Ross
One moment of time-Whitney Houston
You Raise me up- Connie Talbot (she’s small but wonderful, soothing voice sang it from her heart her Nan taught her how to sing & then she passed away she sings for her now!!)
Will keep you updated about any song I remember!! Hope u like these
Zeina,
Thank you so much for the suggestions. I am going to have to watch the movie “If Only” as well. My mom recently saw the movie and mentioned it to me as well. I love the songs!! I can see I am going to have fun on itunes!!
Thank you!!
Jenny.
I am glad & lucky to have you & Sandi in my life too!
Being here has shown me a new perspective on many things!
I still have alot to learn about all this. Being here makes
me realize that being patient is something really worth doing!
Hope you realize just the same soon! How are you both doing??
Hey,
In a previous post Vicki mentioned the book, The God of All Comfort by Dee Brestin, so I ordered the book. It is excellent. As the waves of grief still knock me down from time to time, I have found this book helpful. Last night I read about the song Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash sang to one another, “Far Side Banks of Jordan”. It is a beautiful song and very comforting. I found a video of Johnny Cash and June Carter singing this on youtube, so I would recommend checking it out. I have found the lyrics and put them in my journal.
Sandi once mentioned praise music as being comforting, so I have decided to put together a cd for myself. I welcome suggestions for music.
I am seeing now that the first year was filled with so much denial and this year is full of reality. What seemed like a fog is now lifting and I need God more than ever. I know I am growing, but it is a slow and painful process. I seek God more and each day I ask God to show himself to me…what is amazing is the beauty I see in the clouds every day…so I am seeking and God is showing me his beauty.
Hi Jenny,
Remember when you talked about those 90 seconds to say goodbye to our loved ones?? Well one of my favorite songs is from this movie “If Only”. It talks about a guy who doesn’t appreciate his fiancee & she passes away in a car accident he’s devastated only to find her near him in bed the next day!!!! He gets another chance to show her how much he loves her…
Lovely movie we watched & studied it few times at university because of the whole story line, recently I watched it with my mother & after our tears came down she demanded to watch it another time…
I will recommend more soon but this is the first that came to my mind right now!!
If you can search for “Take my heart back-Jennifer love hewitt” & “Love Will show you everything”
It brings me comfort, when I feel like crying here are the lyrics:
It’ll be alright you said tomorrow
dont you cry
dont you shed a tear
when you wake up I will still be here
when you wake up we’ll battle all your fears
and now I’ll take my heart back
leave your pictures on the floor
steal back my memories
I cant take it anymore
I’ve cried my eyes out
oh and now I face the years
the way you loved me vanished all the tears
just a lil more time was all we needed
just a lil time for me to see
ooh the light that live can give you
ooh how it can set you free
so now I’ll take my heart back
leave your pictures on the floor
steal back my memories
I cant take it anymore
I’ve cried my eyes out
oh and now I face the years
the way you loved me vanished all the tears
Zeina,
Thanks, it’s great we have eachother!
Doing well; attending a Writer’s Conference this week on the shores of Lake Michigan.
Sandi,
Enjoy your writer’s conference. Sounds like a wonderful time and beautiful place. I am sure it is inspirational.
Great Sandi!
Looking forward to know how it all goes!!
xoxox Take care!
Jenny and Zeina,
I’m a little brain-fried and tired, but well worth it.
A great conference with a lot of workshops…made some good & fun connections with editors, other writers and publishers.
How are you two doing?
Grief can hit you at any time and under the most unusual circumstances. Today I took my pilates class that is offered during my lunch hour. While on the floor doing so many difficult stretches (all due to many years of running and tight hamstrings), I noticed the lack of muscle tone in my legs and stomach. For 13 months, I have indulged in whatever food makes me feel good, skipped a run if I was too sad or been so sad that walking is all I can do. While changing back into my work clothes, a friend was changing to run and we talked about pilates. I mentioned to her my changing body and maybe it was a good thing Sam was not here to see this mess! All at once I burst into tears…out of nowhere they flowed. My friend hugged me and said it is okay to cry. I was embarrassed, but yet felt so much relief. She said that she always wants to ask me how I am doing, but afraid of upsetting me. I told her to ask me everyday if she wants, talk to me about Sam because I miss him so much I want to talk about him. It felt good to let out my tears. I tell myself everyday that I will eat healthier, run, stretch more and take care of my body…but then grief shows up and I decide that it is not so horrible to comfort myself with a chocolate bar. One foot in front of the other…I keep on moving forward.
Jenny,
You have a wise friend. I’m so glad she was there for you.
When grief hits, a lot of things go out the window, don’t they? How about telling yourself you will eat heathier, etc., as much as possible, but it’s ok if it’s not everyday?
Sandi,
Thank you for once again assuring me I am okay. I like your suggestion, “as much as possible”. My grandmother told me at age 93 that she needed to stop eating so much chocolate since it was not good for her. I just laughed and said, “Grandma, I think it is too late to stop now!”. She is still living at age 103! I guess my sweet tooth comes from her and as long as I am able to find balance in all I do, I should be okay.
Yes, grief hits and everything goes out the window. As always, God puts angels in my path.
Jenny,
I’m glad that a good cry made you feel better!!
It’s best that you don’t hold it in, it’ll make u feel bad on so many levels!!
It’s depressing and could effect your mood even if you’re not thinking about it…
So you did a good thing by letting it out!! So glad that you had someone by your side for this!!
Don’t think it’s over because a year has passed, right now you’re really beginning a new phase and some things are going to be difficult to get back to.
So don’t hold anything against yourself all your emotions are normal response to change!!
Zeina,
I have thought about what you said all day…’a new phase”. Wow, that makes perfect sense to me and I will remember that when I am so hard on myself. I was told once that the first year is shock and the second is reality. I guess I am in reality and it is not fun! Thank you for your response..as always you are so comforting and encouraging to me. Sam’s sister tells me all the time, “when Sam died one door shut, but then you came in our family another one opened”. I feel that way about you and Sandi…I lost Sam and he was my encourager, but God brought you both into my life to help me and for that I am grateful.
Jenny,
I’m glad you’re in my life too.
Sandi
Vicki,
You are in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow as well.
Vicki,
Thinking of you with your 1st anniversary tomorrow.
How’s everyone doing?? Sandi , Jenny, Vicki!! Everyone ok??
I’ve been away video editing & wanted to share with you a wedding
introduction!! exhausting but love the outcome!! here it is!!!
Zeina,
Wow, what a beautiful wedding and you have done an awesome job!!! I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to put together the video…you have an amazing talent. I am so glad you shared with us.
I am doing okay. Busy week, so that always helps. Just one foot in front of the other each day. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that I can always come here when I need to talk. Although I have others around me daily, there is nothing like feeling safe sharing my grief with others on the same journey. Thank you for always being here!
Jenny,
Thanks for the encouragement!It is difficult, and nerve wrecking. But I absolutely love it! I will upload another one from a different wedding soon & then a compilation of the best of 4 weddings!!
Glad ur keeping urself busy! & u can always open any subject here ur stories & pain may be different but we understand that it needs patience and understanding! What I like most about ur post it that ur consistent about healing & that’s a major part of this path!! To really want to walk through it instead of avoiding!!
Zeina,
This is so beautiful…you are very talented!
I especially like how you captured the couple’s love for eachother in their dancing…and how you showed that again at the end.
Thank uuu Sandi!!
Will share some more soon!
How’s everyone doing??
Thank you, Jenny!
Just checking in to see how everyone is doing this week.
Vicki, I know your one year anniversary is approaching and I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Zeina and Sandi, I hope you are both doing well. The weather is starting to change to autumn and I love this time of year. I have come a long way since last fall, but still have a long road ahead of me.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Jenny,
I’m doing well, thanks. You have come a long way…I can see your strength throughout your journey. We’re here with you all the way…
Thank you so much Sandi. I am grateful for my friend that emailed your article to me the week after Sam died. From the article, I found your website and have not felt alone since. I am grateful for your prayers and encouragment. By sharing your grief with others, you are helping so many of us walk this journey.
Jenny,
I’m grateful your sad day yesterday, ended so well.
Sandi,
Thank you for your prayers and for always being here for me…for all of us. Your gift of writing and sharing grief is a blessing.
I’m touched by your kind words, Jenny.
Thank you so much!
Jenny,
If you like birds I suggest you get a male canary they are wonderful companions !!
They have helped me in times of true loneliness, each time I feel alone my bird just perches on my shoulder I feel good knowing that outside his cage my shoulder is the only place he feels safe!
Knowing that there is such a small creature depending on you& singing every dawn makes u feel better!
Get one if you’re up to it! magnificent creatures xoxoxox
Zeina,
A pet is a wonderful suggestion and one I have considered. I love dogs and one day I am considering adopting one to keep me company. I picture you walking around with your canary and it brings a smile to my face…thank you!
Jenny,
Hope ull be able to adopt a dog real real soon …
You’ll make an animal in need happy!
Just wanted to share some of my fav.inspirational quotes
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150768705350153.726591.721095152&l=56acc8bde7&type=1
My birdie is in pic. #3
Zeina,
Your birdie is adorable and the quotes are wonderful. I hope you enjoy your weekend. Thank you so much for sharing your quotes…beautiful!!
Sunday, Mona was packing her bags to leave to greece with her father & his family. Sitting with her in the bedroom triggered something inside of me even though they had changed houses since my aunt passed away. It was like a piece of her was still there!
Maybe it was the way she talked & laughed her problems away the simplicity of those moments reminded me of the times my aunt & I used to do the same. But vice versa I was the child making that adult laugh. My grandmother was looking for a picture of my aunt she wanted to photoshop after 20 minutes of looking for it…Mona just pops out of nowhere holding 50 copies of the picture, hahaha…She had hidden them in a drawer..
Same thoughts came over mum & I as we were leaving, we both imagined how much my aunt would have been happy to watch her kids grow…Taking them to their friend’s house, having pillow fights…even arguing with them over silly things like school or putting their slippers on. Spending quality time with each of them seperately ..
Mona also gave me a small stuffed bear which has the month of my birthday written on it November, she implied that she loved it’s smell…I didn’t get why till yesterday I smelt it she had sprayed some of her mother’s perfume on it. What a beautiful smell…
They travelled yesterday on a week’s holiday before their school starts, for the first time in years I’m not anxious about them, because they are lucky to be with their wonderful stepmother who insisted/begged they’d come on the trip…They also have another half sister & brother who love my cousins very much!
All this reminded me that God works in so many mysterious ways everything happened so fast and painful after my aunt died, the kid’s father got remarried only few months after what I didn’t realize till recently is that God knew what he was doing b/c he sent them a wonderful angel into their lives !!
Zeina,
What a wonderful story of Mona and the full circle of life. I love how Mona, Jr had all the pictures of her mom and the bear…oh that is wonderful! I appreciate the reminder that life goes on and joy does come to us again…many times in wonderful memories and it doesn’t always hurt so much to remember.
You have been an inspiraton to me….so please keep writing and I promise to keep posting as you have told me to do. Last night I felt so sad and alone, but after putting my sadness on paper, I felt God surround me with peace and I was able to sleep.
Thank you for still reading and walking with me. Mona Jr. is so blessed to have you!
Zeina,
Love this perspective!
Hey,
Just needed to write to my grief friends as Zeina once said…when the darkness comes upon me, write because you are all always here for me. Well, it gets really dark at times and the loneliness settles in like a dark cloud. My oldest returned to college and my youngest son is with his dad for the week. My house is empty after being filled with lots of great teenage boys that filled me with so much joy and company. Although Grief was still here, the boys filled some of the loneliness and my heart was not so full of sorrow. I miss my boys and the emptiness of missing Sam is so strong. As we walk this journey of grief, there are times when I just need to post my feelings and sometimes that can be of great comfort. Thank you all for walking with me….God has blessed me with this site and all of you.
Vicki, I think of you often and hope you are doing okay…let me hear from you when you are ready.
Walking with you, Jenny. Praying for you…
Thank you Sandi. One foot in front of the other…
Jenny I’m also here reading & watching you taking your steps!!
I’ll always be here!!
Thank you both for being here for me too!!
Jenny,
What a treasure in your 2007 Journal! At the same time, it must have been so very hard and painful to read. I’m sorry.
I don’t think the journal “set you back” as much as it peeled down to another layer of unhealed grief. As difficult as that is, it’s important overall in your healing. My prayers are with you…
Thank you Sandi. I like how you phrased it as peeling down another layer of grief, that makes more sense to me. Grief certainly has a way of showing up when least expected – just like our treasures. I hope you enjoy your Labor Day weekend.
Thanks, Jenny. I hope the weekend goes well for you too.
Jenny,
I like how you’re seeng more space between the sad days and trusting that the pain will be more bearable in the future. It certainly will, though you will always have your moments. There will be more moments than days though. And the moments, when they come, will be less painful.
Sandi and Zeina,
I found an old journal today that I kept when Sam got cancer in 2007. It was overwhelming to read all that I wrote. I am grateful to have found this journal, but it makes me really sad. I can’t believe he is gone now. I feared so much he would die in 2007, but yet he lived. i wrote details of the journey we took and some of it was so painful to read. I wrote my prayers in the journal as well as scripture. What a treasure, but only set me back this morning..I am not there yet with putting my grief in my back pocket..it is still raw and finding this treasure opened up some wounds. I do see the strength that God has given me since 2007, but I have a ways to go.
Jenny,
How nice that you found the journal , I think it’s a gift you wrapped for yourself in 2007 to be opened now! I don’t think it’s a coincidence & I certainly don’t think it could set you back!! This is how it’s supposed to be, so go with it!!
These aren’t set backs, they’re just changes in your grief as you walk this path… & you’re doing great!
Embrace your gift!! & be grateful that you have an important piece of your past which reminds you that there second chances just like Sam’s illness.. You feared he would be gone in 2007 & yet he stayed a few years longer! These are the things to treasure & keep with you!
Please cross out the words set backs & letting go out of your dictionary!! This is your journey a chance to start writing a new map!!
Zeina,
Thank you for the reminder of second chances. Yes, Sam lived longer than I expected and I am so grateful for that time….it was a wonderful gift. I also believe my journal is a treasure and full of wonderful memories as well as painful ones. I can’t believe I wrote with such detail of those months Sam was so sick. I have written journals my entire life and it is amazing how therapeutic writing can be. Thank you for your encouraging words…writing a new map…I love that thought. Hope you are doing well.
I am looking forward to the Labor Day weekend as my oldest gets to come home. How wonderful it is to have his visit to look forward to this weekend.
I have often thought of what Sandi said about grief and how our bodies remember dates. I was very down today and realized it was Thursday. Sam died on a Thursday. In the first few weeks after Sam died, I could not face Thursday. I thought I was over the day, but apparently not…just a shadow of sadness and it lingered all day. I found myself wondering what I will be like in the years to come…already faced the first year and into my second. It seems like yesterday. I am grateful for my memories and at this point they are stil vivid. It occured to me today that this is my “new norm” and I am moving forward each day….maybe that is what I will continue to do. I will always have sad days, but maybe there will be more space between them. I will always miss Sam, but maybe the pain will be more bearable. I put my head on my pillow each night and thank God for giving me the strength and courage to face one more day.
Jenny,
Looking forward to seeing your pictures…
Jenny,
Would love to see your pictures too…
Vicki,
I hope you are doing okay these days. You have been on my mind.
A reminder for you guys…
“Never let anyone else tell you how to or how long you should grieve. You are a unique being and no two people grieve the same way.”
Zeina,
What a wonderful reminder….so true. God made us all unique and he knows how long we will grieve and how we will grieve. At times I do get impatience with myself, so thank you for the reminder.
Jenny,
Your list is amazing!! it’s similar to what I’ve been doing, with the positivity in a journal!! That’s great! You might not feel it right away but it does bring great peace, if you decide to continue with it! You can just write down when you feel peaceful & look at them during hardships, you’ll have a strong ally by your side which is yourself & your own thoughts!!
I just wanted to share….
Few years ago I worked at a school hoping I could teach photography to children. It never happened, I only taught english. I remembered that dream about a month ago all of a sudden this lady calls me asking if I could give private lessons to her daughter…You have no idea how thrilled I am to have this dream come true, the girl is only 12 & I don’t know who’s more excited with these lessons me or her lol…Time passes by so quickly while taking pictures & tutoring..I’m praying for more students like that!! It’s a big joy to be doing this!!
Have u tried going on a hike with a camera??
Zeina,
That is wonderful about your lessons!! I am so excited for you. I would love to take photography lessons from you as well. I have a small point and shoot digital camera, but would love to one day owe a nice 35 mm. I love taking pictures and on my Colorado trip I took so many of just the landscape.
I am praying for more students for you…that is incredible and what joy that brings for you and the student!
I like the idea…hiking with a camera..good one.
Keep me posted on your lessons.
Jenny
We should add “Photography lessons” to both our lists!!!! I’d love to
do that one day with you, so I’m adding it to my journal!
I’d love to see some of your photography online one day..
You come up with the best pictures in the middle of grief because your looking
for peace, sometimes that’s where I find it!
Zeina,
Great idea. I thought yesterday about putting my favorite pictures of Colorado from all the years I have traveled there into one album online. It will give me another project and I look forward to sharing with you when I get them organized. Thanks for the idea for “picture of peace” as well!
Hey Zeina,
I am doing better today. We experienced Irene here yesterday with lots of rain and wind. The day before the storm I went for my run along my favorite new neighborhood trail. It was so peaceful…the calm before the storm. I heard a coyote!! It was incredible and best of all, I was not afraid. I felt the closeness of God and Sam…being outdoors with nature is so healing for me. Today I ran the same trail and a couple of trees had fallen across the path and the trail was full of leaves and branches. All of this reminded me of grief..the calm life before grief moved in and the hurdles I have to overcome each day as I walk the journey of grief.
I hope you are doing well.
One day at a time and today the sun is shining… feeling peaceful for the moment and this peaceful moment I will savor!!
Oh Jenny!
I didn’t know you were so close to the storm. Hope everyone you know is safe! Was it as bad as they said it would be??
Glad to know you’re being patient with yourself, that’s the most important quality that will get you through this!! Everything you tell me isn’t strange to me, we’ve all been through something similar here, best discovery I ever made in writing was being patient and realizing this is all normal…I’m always happy to hear from you!!
Hope everyone on the blog is also safe!
Zeina,
Yes, Irene was a big storm and brought lots of damage to many in her path. Fortunately I was not in the direct path, so only experienced lots of rain and some high winds. Thank you for asking.
I am trying to be patient with myself, but you know how diffficult that can be at times. Writing here about grief and just my day to day experiences is so healing! I also find comfort in the words of others and their experiences. You have certainly been so helpful to me.
I recently wrote down a list of my “picture of peace”. This was a suggestion from my sister. One day we discussed the things in life that bring us joy and she shared her love of animals and having a yard full of dogs, cats, rabbits, etc.. was so peaceful to her. I laughed and said all I can see is cleaning up after all the animals. She said her picture of peace is different than mine and I need to paint my own picture..so I made this long list. I put down everything I could think of that gave me peace or joy…such as watching my boys play sports, drinking coffee in the early morning, reading a good book in bed on a cold night, sitting on my porch watching the sky, laughing with my boys, baking cookies, bubble baths, and the list goes on and on. Once I started writing, I was amazed how peaceful I felt. It is like writing here on this site and sharing my grief, it brings me peace.
We will continue to write and share our grief…for having someone to share the journey certainly makes it easier.
Hope you are doing okay VickI…
Thank you Zeina!
Jenny & Vicki,
How are u doing now?