Ten years into my walk alone. My grief is pretty much on the back burner of my life, so I was surprised to find myself beyond exhaustion again during the holiday season. Only now, two weeks later, am I gaining strength to live a “normal” day.
But time has added other things to marr my physical well-being. I live with less energy and more back pain. In anticipation, I cut down on all possible activities throughout the busy month of December. I monitered my strength daily and tried to get plenty of sleep. Still, I couldn’t shake a feeling of sadness.
Oh yes, this was the time of year when Bill became sick all those years ago…that time of fear and uncertainty when he and I wondered together, ”Is this serious?”
The body remembers.
When I asked a widow of 17 years, what it’s like for her these days when an anniversary or holiday hits, she admitted, “I get exhausted.”
So much for time healing all wounds.
This is a different sadness though. Not the raw, biting kind as in the beginning of my grief, but more of a subdued, underlying feeling, not at all overwhelming. More of a, “Hey, I still miss you, but I really am ok.”
I think Bill would be pleased to hear this.
I think Bill would be glad, too, that you are not debilitated, even though you miss him.
My mom is going through the same kind of thing on the anniversary of my brother’s death. She is exhausted. I’m glad to know this is a normal thing.
Love you, Friend.
it is ten years for me this week. I understand exhaustion. The pain becomes inversely proportional to the fading memories. I think about hearing his voice, and its not so distinct any more.
It is reassuring for me to hear that someone else knows exhaustion…even after 10 years. Thank you.
Hello Everyone,
It has been a long time since I posted. Just finished reading all of your posts and it gave me comfort once again. I don’t know why I keep withdrawing. January 19th will be 16 months for me. Pain still very raw.
I truly wonder if I ever will heal? So broken and shattered, how will I ever find all the pieces?
I keep crying out to Jesus as I know he is the only one that can heal me. Just don’t know when.
Prayers, and blessings to all of you. This journey seems so hard.
Vicki
(Poppy’s Girl)
Hey Vicki,
Welcome back! I missed you while you were gone, but know I have you in my thoughts and understand the withdrawal. I am on 17 months today and it has been a very tough day for me. I woke up remembering the Thursday morning 17 months ago when Sam passed away. This is not an easy journey and some days are really hard. I have days of peace and feel okay, but then the waves hit me again….it is exhausting living with constant waves. I feel sure one day the water will be smooth, but until then all we can do is hang on to our lifeboat…God will never leave us!
We are all still here and I plan to be here for a long time….need all of you to help me walk this journey.
Take Care Vicki and post when you are able…we understand!
Jenny
Jenny,
How are you doing now that the 17th month anniversary day is over?
Sandi,
I am doing okay. I visited Annapolis over the weekend and my trip was very nice. I ran along the bay and cobbled streets by the Naval Academy….beautiful. I got to spend a little time with my son yesterday. Last night as I drove home, spent 5 hours talking to God about so many things. There are so many things I do not understand in this life and I am having to learn to give them to God. The trip was wonderful, but dealing with some things concerning my son that are hard to understand. He is a wonderful young man that works hard, dedicated, disciplined and I am so proud of him…but he is going thru some difficulty that I do not understand. I am struggling as I see how hard he works to overcome this disappointment or actually unfairness. I drove home crying to God for wisdom and strength to have the right words and most of all for God to handle this situation. I was feeling so peaceful and joyful until this situation occured yesterday, so then I ask God…why so many struggles can’t we have some calm waters for a while.I told my son that God knows our struggles and he doesn’t make mistakes so we have to trust his heart when we don’t understand. I would have never been able to approach this situation with those words if I had not experienced the death of Sam. I am learning the hard way that life is not easy and all we can do is trust God.
Jenny
Before my husband died, we lived in Maryland, about an hour from Annapolis. I love the water and those cobblestone streets. I’m sorry your son is going through a tough time. I think it’s almost harder on a mom, don’t you, to see them this way? I always want to take away their problems. But God knows what He’s doing since He can see the picture from beginning to end. I love how you are crying out to God and placing your trust in Him. Also, what you were able to say to your son.
Sandi
Vicki,
Grief IS a hard journey. And hard to travel alone. Yet, I can understand the withdrawing. I wanted to do that too. But, I’m so glad to hear from you again. In some ways the second year is harder because our loss is more real. You WILL heal, it just seems to take so much time, doesn’t it? Know that we are all here for you and Jesus is very close and sorrowing with you in your pain…even when it doesn’t feel that way.
I appreciate all these words of wisdom..I’m not there yet..God bless all of you..I know your pain…Its still raw…Almost everyone that has supported me during this time has gone back to their own life..I sometimes feel I’m expected to move on with mine…It will be 1 year 1/19/2012
Susie,
Don’t rush yourself. Grief takes time and it is your grief. God gives each of us the strength and all is in his hands. We are all here for you. I hope you will feel comfortable enough to share your grief. This is a long journey and we are all here to walk with you. I will keep you in my prayers on the 19th.
You have my deepest sympathy, Susie. It takes time and work. You’ll move along as the rest of us are/have. As you do, please put yourself first in all situations – learn to be selfish; do only what works for you, say “NO” when you feel the need, and do rest and eat well – as best you can. Well wishes.
Susie,
I hope you check back here often. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is difficult to lose the person that knew you better than anyone, your best friend and love of your life. It leaves an emptiness that no one can heal, but God will help you. I still cry every night when I put my head on my pillow and it has been 17 months. I have not gone a day yet without tears and can’t imagine I will. I do know that I have moments of peace and joy, so when they come I hang on for dear life and know these are signs that I will survive.
I hope you will post here when you can and this is a safe haven for me. All the wonderful people here have helped me to find my way on some of the darkest days of my life. We are here for you…I will keep you in my prayers. God is always with you even when you feel totally alone.
Susie,
Thank you. I’m so sorry that you’e lost so much support. Please feel free to join us here anytime. A lot of people do expect us to “move on” way too quickly. I had one person tell me to stop dwelling on my loss after three months. And another, wanting to know if I wanted to get remarried after 6 months.
I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you on the 19th.
Sandi,
Can’t tell how much it is a relief to read this, knowing that someone is one step ahead of me and is feeling almost the same. I’m so grateful, and glad that it’s clear now thanks to you, I had experienced these moments where my body remembered before and never knew of it till recently here…
This is what I call my sad season till March, and it has been difficult especially after the holidays. I find myself sometimes speechless, disoriented or a sudden burst of tears comes along…Yesterday it was more like falling in a deep pit feeling, knowing you couldn’t get out, but you just have to…
It’s the small things that affected us before and we don’t remember our body does, even though we’re thinking differently than before and we have changed. I never believed in the fact that time heals all wounds, we have to do the work ourselves, what I do believe that each time grief comes around it’s different. After years have passed we begin to think more clearly of what our loved one would have wanted.
Right now I’m more relieved to read all these posts..Thank you!
I certainly remember that “deep pit” feeling, Zeina. For me, it was the sense that I just couldn’t breathe. You’re so right about the work we must do over the course of time. Like you, I believe it’s more by our design than chance, but there is something to be said for the distance time/life puts between us and the date of loss. With each day, we learn new skills for preservation. More than anything, I’m so grateful (no matter how it came to be) I can recall the pain of the loss of our daughter but I don’t feel it the way I did 10 years ago. What a blessing! Certainly, I have those days when I’m pained but I’m no longer in agony. It’s still beyond my comprehension how we can move forward the way we do. Small miracle, I guess.
Robin,
Sometimes I wonder too how we move forward , I think it’s all the small signs and we tend to listen more to our instincts during hard times to make it through. I have been pained in the past week, and today I feel a lot better.
In the midst of everything I remember doing so many things I wouldn’t normally do, without giving it a second thought, turns out it was a method to carry on.
To me time passing means missing them more, and their memories become jewels that shine on our way. It’s more beautiful & pleasant to think about my aunt now…I think we had all been given gifts that had no expiration dates, and limitless because right now each time I remember it’s like unwrapping a beautiful present.
“Deep pit” or not I Thank God for everything,and I will be forever grateful for all this experience.
We had special people in our lives that’s what matters!
Zeina,
It’s been about ten years for you too, hasn’t it? Nice to know I’m not the only one whose body has a mind of its own! My sad season is December through March, so I’m right there with you.
Sandi,
It will be 9 years on February 2nd. I know the body is so weird in that sense.
I’m right here too for you. I check the blog daily even when I don’t post. It’s much easier having someone with you! Thank you so much for your posts!
Zeina
9 years or 10 years, close enough for me to feel comfort. Thank you!
Zeina,
We are all here for you in this time of your sad season. I know the timing of Mona passing away is part of your darkness, but this is also such a dreary time of year…so the weather certainly doesn’t help.
I feel that falling in a deep pit too and it is not fun. A good friend reminded me that Jesus is right there with me….and never leaves me alone even when I feel all alone.
I too am so relieved to read all the post and know my feelings are normal!!
Take care…and we are here..always!
Jenny,
Feeling better today, I woke up counting my blessings and now again a reminder from you that Jesus is with me.
This year my thoughts are in a different place I keep reminding myself this is how it’s supposed to be, I’ll accept it and learn to love it to the max.
Thank you for your encouraging posts..I am here for you too!
Thank you for sharing , this really touched me, I’ve been a widow 26 months
Tracy,
Thank you. I hope you’ll come back and comment often. We are all here for eachother. How is it going for you?
Sandi, I’m glad you shared with everyone the difference time does make in terms of the rawness. I still remember that early pain, though, thankfully, it’s only a memory. Time does this. So, in this way, “time can heal” to some degree. Perhaps if we considered our grief to be similar to a chronic illness. We’re never cured – not really. It’s more like being in remission, but in a longer lasting way.
It’s good to understand the impact everyday challenges have on our emotional well-being. We have to continue to put ourselves first. We’re not broken but are a tad more fragile; worthy of special care.
Jenny – sent a note your way at the start of the new year but forgot to put my name in the subject line for easy identification. Sorry ’bout that!
Well wishes to all.
Robin,
You have wise words. You’ve learned them the hard way and I appreciate your sharing. I like your analogy of grief to a chronic illness and to remission. Never thought of it like that, but it’s true. But it does get easier, doesn’t it? I need continual reminders to take care of myself…definately more fragile. Thank you.
Oh Sandi, you have again helped me to understand the this season of grief. Exhaustion weighed heavy on my body after the holidays. I could bearly put one foot in front of the other, no appetite and the felt so overwhelmed with life. I love how you worded, “the body remembers”.
I can remember Sam going through his darkest times during February – March which are the months leading up to the death of his son. I NEVER understood his withdrawal or dark times. I used to call him “Jeremiah Johnson” and termed the period as his withdrawal to the cave. Well, now I totally understand the withdrawal and underlying sadness. I have found this retreat to be healing and a time to spend with God in search of peace. I do not have to wear my smiley face or talk to anyone. For the first time in my life, I am a recluse and it feels okay. I know the withdrawal is only temporary.
Thursday marks 17 months and hard to believe it has been almost a year and half since Sam died. Some days it seems like yesterday he was here with me and other days seems like I have aged years! You are so good to reassure me that the feelings will eventually not be quite as raw. I do see a difference from 17 months ago, but still have a ways to go.
I feel sure Bill is pleased with you and most of all I am positive he is so proud of how you have built a safe haven for all of us to share our grief. A woman recently told me to find someone to share my grief and this would lighten the burden. I assured her I had found a wonderful place to share my grief and had met some special people to walk this journey with me.
Jenny,
You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow at 17months.
Thank you; I’m so glad you find a safe haven here. I guess I have tried to create what I needed after Bill died.
Thank you Sandi for your thoughts and prayer. I will keep you in mine as well. I know this is a tough time of year for you too. Grateful to know we are not alone.
I pray the energy bound up in your grandchildren seeps into you, that warmth from the sun comforts your bones, that the love of family strengthens you, and that the sure hope of heaven fuels you.
Kathy,
Thank you!
Yes, I expect he would be.
Time heals some wounds. Glorification heals all.
Fred,
Love your reference to Glory!
Thumbs up to Fred’s comment.