Today’s post is written by Jenna Deckert, M.A., Therapist and Co-Owner of Sacred Space Counseling.
“Tis the season to be jolly, happy and merry, but for a lot of people the holidays are a very difficult time. You may be grieving the loss of a loved one or…
Read more at: http://sacredspacecounseling.blogspot.com/2008/12/when-you-arent-having-such-happy.html
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My devotional this a.m. (Encouragement for Today) covers grief, the loss of a husband – 14 year later. Seems an appropriate addition to this topic. I’m attaching the link. Hope you don’t mind, Sandi.
http://www.crosswalkmail.com/amdhfp/ShareArticle.do?recipID=521549865&perform=view&articleID=fbsbhbhr&siteID=pjfcqdhlcfchvlsytkrwrhdvjttvfmhrqqs
Robin,
What a great devotion! I forwarded to a few friends as well. I believe sharing these devotions is so helpful, especially this time of year.
Also thank you for your post and comments, you have a wonderful way of putting thinkings into words that make perfect sense to me.
Thank you!
Robin,
I don’t mind a bit…in fact, thank you! It’s a wonderful devotion.
Last year I did not put up a tree and with considerable energy I decorated my mantle. I didn’t want to decorate because it required so much energy and that energy was being used to put one foot in front of the other. This year I feel more energetic, but still not like I was before Sam passed away. I am listening to Christmas music, but the only songs I really like are old fashion Christmas hymns, not the silly Santa songs (which I used to like). I plan to decorate some this weekend, but I am trying not to stress about it. My boys do not really notice decorations (I painted their bathroom this past summer and when I asked them how they liked it, they said, “oh mom, you cleaned up the room. Thanks!” So in a house full of grown boys, decorations are only lots of work!
Most of all I want to bake goodies for that gives me joy. I plan to bake and pass along to friends. The holidays are tough even in the best of circumstances. I do find myself with more anger this year than in the past. I hear people say, “oh, I do not want to celebrate this year because my children have moved away and aren’t coming home for the holidays.” I want to scream at these people and say…”your children are alive and only away from home!!”. I guess my anger is a stage of grief and wishing Sam were here to celebrate another Christmas with me. This journey of grief is long and certainly full of ups and downs. I have enjoyed reading your post Robin and most of all how you said, “Happy is just different”..yes it is..so different.
Jenny, your thoughts about the type of music you prefer speaks to the subtle ways grief influences different aspects of our lives. What works today, may not be helpful tomorrow. We have to learn to shift and change as we go. While it’s a negative term in politics, flip-flopper seems quite appropriate for the bereaved. I reserve the right to change my mind many times, and then change it back again.
As for other people whining about what they don’t have or can’t do during the holidays – I, too, think, “Are you kidding me? You’ve no clue how good you have it.” But that’s how humans are designed; imperfect. We don’t always recognize the blessings before us. If we’re to take anything positive away from loss (and I think most of us do), it’s the deeper appreciation for life and those around us. I rarely lose touch with the reality today may be all we have.
Jenny, I forgot to add I share your desire to “bake goodies” I used to bake my girls’ b-day cakes when they were little, piping out favorite characters with the aid of character pans. With 2 grandsons, I’ve taken up the hobby again but with the addition of fondant/gumpaste work. I’m enjoying how easy it is to get lost in my little projects. I keep the supplies on hand so when the mood or inspiration strikes I can just hop into the kitchen. Completely absorbed in such a tedious task, time passes without my even trying. My middle isn’t particularly thrilled with my new love, but our tastebuds are singing, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” Any day’s a good day when sugar and butter are involved.
Amen?! Enjoy your baking.
Oh, Sandi! The many little decisons we must make, right? We put tree and decorations around the home up until our youngest moved out shortly after graduation. At this point, it’s less about our firstborn’s death, and more about no reason to do the work. It’s sort of like fixing a HUGE meal with nobody to consume it. Speaking of food and celebration, we dine with others or eat out for special occasions. I think some of this would have come naturally. You know how things may shift when daughters marry; ready to take on the ‘family’ traditions.
Hope your post is not an indicator of your feelings at this time. Of course, though, it’s normal if you are. “Happy” is just different, isn’t it? Prior to our loss, positive emotions came more frequenly, in greater supply, and without hesitation. Not at all like now, with that little something that says, “Could be better…” Don’t get me wrong. We do quite well, but the dream I had in my mind for these years with children and grandbabies is a far cry from our reality. I think the ‘dream’ is what flashes across my mind, and heart, when the good times happen. I believe it’ll always be this way. Fortunately, it passes so quickly. There’s rarely the ache that used to accompany the thoughts. The human heart is amazing; capable of suffering and surviving any number of things.
I like that the blogger gives permission to do what works best for each of us. My husband no longer put up a tree, as there’s nobody here to enjoy it with us. If we visit our grandsons during Christmas it’s at their home. We’re hoping to put our house on the market in the spring so we’ve disposed of so many things – the ornaments going to our daughter. I know we’ll put up a tree in the next home, but, for now, we’re actually very o.k. going without. The good news about not decorating is the focus shifts from the more secular aspects of Christmas, not a bad thing at all.
Robin,
I haven’t had a Christmas tree up in several years. It’s good to hear I’m not the only one.